An Easter Story from ALTMIKE (A Jew)

I am so lazy I don't even have the strength to type out a story that happened to me on this day of Christian celebration...so click below to listen.....

Gmail - simonknucklespic.jpg

Gmail - simonknucklespic.jpg

What the hell is going on with Simon Cowell's knuckles?

Talk to alltmike

So Google has been trying and trying to get altmike to beta test their new phone service. Now that I am a tester I think the service is kind of cool. They gave me a special secret phone number that makes it possible for you to call me anytime day or night. Sometimes I keep the phone on, sometimes I turn it off and your message will go to voice mail. Kind of like a phone sex operator who decides when he is going to work or not.
Have you ever called a telethon to pledge money just because there is the smallest chance that a "celebrity" on the panel is going to pick the phone up and talk to you?

Well now is your chance. That may happen!
And you don't even have to make a donation to me......
Don't be shy.
Just click the button and CALL ME.

The Amy Winehouse "introduction SLASH comeback tour"

Just me or were you completely uncomfortable watching Amy Winehouse sing about "Rehab"...smiling all the way...during last night's Grammy Awards telecast?

This is not a commentary as to whether or not she deserves the five Grammies though altmike does wonder if she would have won without snorting cocaine on a regular basis.

Really what is so strange to me is the combination "launch" and "comeback" performance...all blending together. Life imitating art? Art imitating life? It is too confusing for me to figure out.

The cynic in me is not beyond thinking that is all one big publicity stunt. It is too perfect marketing ploy.

And don't get me started on the Britney Spears "Piece of Me" video which I saw on the VH1 countdown this weekend. Did they pull her out of the loony bin to film this gem?

Tell me what is best for me

A friend sent me this link to find that helps you decide what candidate you should vote for. My initial reaction was that it is pretty cool. I really have been going back and forth trying to decide between Obama and Clinton.
I answered a bunch of questions and according to their results I should pick Obama for President. Clinton was a very close second.

First off I do believe that this web site is legit but the cynic in me does wonder.
What if a certain candidate/organization/demonic person set up a web site similar to this one and fooled people into believing that they should vote for their candidate of choice? I mean what if a fanatic Barack Obama supporter put up this site in which no matter how a person responded they were going to be fooled into believing that they were most closely aligned with the beliefs and values of Obama regardless? What if Obama actually won an election because of a misleading "select a candidate" web site?

I believe a scenario like this is entirely possible because we Americans would much rather have decisions made for us then to actually have to do the work of forming opinions based on personal investigation. It is much more convenient to be told what we want, what we like, what we should do then to actually take the time to decide these things on our own.
Situations like this happen every day.

Just yesterday I was at Chickfil-a and I was unsure of what I wanted.
Chickfil-a worker: Which combo would you like?
Altmike: Um.... (I didn't realize I wanted a combo....I guess I do)
Chickfil-a worker: You want a chickfil-a chargrilled chicken sandwich?
Altmike: Um....well....um....yeah sure.
Chickfil-a worker: Ok then you want combo #2. You want to supersize that?
Altmike: Um....well...um yeah ok.

The point being....
Day in and day out we are being led into situations that may or may not be in our best interest. In hind site, I should have had a garden salad! I didn't want all that bread! And fries!
Besides, did I even take a second to see what a combo included and figure out if it really was a "deal" and if it actually saved me money...or whether what I was being led to was even actually good for me? Nah, too much work.

And as for the "select a candidate" website...
I realized that after I responded to the questions and got my Obama-friendly results, I didn't even take the time to see why I was most aligned with Obama according to......them.
When I went back and really looked over the issues from a number of different sources I saw that the candidate that best represented my views and values was....Hillary Clinton.

Be careful.
Be wary.

Somewhere below the radar screen there is a possibility that you are being force fed into believing a certain candidate running for the highest office in this country is most aligned with your values much the same way you are being force fed a chargrilled chicken value meal at Chick fil-A.

A mutant life of its own

FIRST OFF THIS PICTURE ISN'T ME!!!!!


Altmike has the toughest beard known to mankind.
This has been confirmed by the barbers who work in the shop where I get shaved.
According to the barbers, my beard is so robust that the hair grows in multiple directions.
It takes a minimum of four separate mach3 razors for them to get me a close shave.
You think I am kidding? I kid you not.



Each time I call to make an appointment I envision the three barbers drawing straws to see who is the unlucky schlub that gets the thankless job of tackling my stubble.
Gordon, the senior of the barbers says that he can actually see my beard growing back at the same time he is shaving it off.
It is as if my beard has a mutant life of its own.
Three weeks ago I stopped attempting to shave it myself entirely because the up and down motion from sparring with my own whiskers inflamed my tennis elbow.
Seriously.

cliqueonthis

cliqueonthis

.alt>rant Lunar Eclipse

I thought lunar eclipses' were only supposed to happen every 96 years or so?

That is what I remember being taught in grade school.

However, it seems like every other week I am hearing about some eclipse that is only going to happen once in my lifetime....and then 2 weeks later there is another one.

What gives?

Hey George...um...you with us?

Has our President even acknowledged the housing crisis?
I don't think so.

Gosh we have the suckiest President ever.

from the alt>vault --- The Credit Card Wallet

Originally posted of 4/28/07:



I am jealous of guys who can use a simple card wallet like this one pictured. I envy guys with small ones.
I guess when it comes to wallets I would be considered a reverse size queen.

I have always chosen wallets that are big and bulky because there is just too much baggage I need to have around me at all times. I hate it. I wish I was one of those laissez faire types that could care less whether or not he has his "AMC Movie Watcher" card with him 24/7 but this simply isn't the case.
I mean, you never know when you want to pull over and see a movie...right?
I know, it's a sickness.

In Starbucks speak, my wallet would be classified as a "venti" for sure. When I put it in my back pocket it is so big my left ass cheek looks swollen. I look deformed.
I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being!
Sometimes people think I have a pack of cigarettes there and mistake me for a smoker. Can you imagine that? Me, the health nut mistaken for a smoker.
Not that there is anything wrong with smokers.... except...the smoke.

My friend Anthony has a card wallet. When the two of us are in a restaurant I will conveniently slip out of sight at the sight of a bill for two reasons. First off, I am cheap I like the feeling of being taken out. Second, I admire from a distance the way he whips out his sleek card wallet to remove cool cash to pay for our meals. So simple. When he places the slim wallet back in his front pocket it is hardly noticeable to the human eye and does not take away from his non bulge elsewhere. Amazing.

The concept of "downsizing" to accommodate the card wallet is too much for me. How do you make it day to day with just the couple of items to put in a card wallet? Guys with card wallets carry their license, cash, health insurance card and....that's about it.

What about everything else? What about all the other necessities?
What about your Starbucks card? I don't think I could make it past 8am without that one.
I carry the UPROMISE card with me at all times because a percent of the purchases made with the card go towards paying for my little nieces college education. I would feel awful if the girls couldn't go to college simply because I chose to use a card wallet instead of a "venti".
Don't guys with card wallets have nieces like I do?
Oh and what about this one....
An organ donor card.
Is someone going to do without a spleen simply because someone else (me) didn't want an unsightly bulging left ass cheek?

I suppose guys with card wallets have some kind of transport system that makes working with them more manageable. I figure that a guy treats the card wallet like a "satellite" and probably has a "mother ship" wallet somewhere else. Maybe in the car. This way he could add and subtract from the card wallet as he sees fit.
Put in your gym membership card, take out your Barnes and Noble card...and so on and so on. But surely it isn't safe or smart leaving your belongings in the car like that. Plus the "mother ship" concept takes away from the whole idea of simplifying your life...doesn't it?

Finally, there is the matter of cash. The slit in a card wallet is really too small to hold more than a couple of bills in my opinion. This would be the deal breaker for me.
What if I was in a rush and wanted to get a 59 cent cookie at 7/11 and all I had in my card wallet was a twenty dollar bill? I couldn't imagine trying to stuff all the change I would get back in that little slit. It would be embarrassing. Do I have to run around 7/11 frantically searching to find other items to purchase to avoid getting back a lot of bills?
No...I would probably become exasperated and say to the 7/11 lady, "Look, keep the change...please. As you can see I am trying to simplify my life with this card wallet and all this change does not fit into my new lifestyle."

The more I think about it, the more I am certain I am not cut out for a card wallet.
Perhaps a money clip?

UPDATE: Since I wrote this I have unsuccessfully tried to use 2 different credit card wallets. I gave up on them and have been trying to work with money clips. The verdict is out.

from the alt>vault --- Razor Blades! A rant!

Hey there. Remember me?

alt>mike returns with new posts next week...
In the meantime I am revisiting some of the crowd favorites from the alt>vault all week long.... Look back and re-read and remember the good times...
you'll laugh...
you'll cry....

This post originally from March of this year....

RAZOR BLADES LEAVE ME BURNED!

I cannot believe how much money I am spending on razor blades. Why isn't there a revolt? I wake up each morning hoping that some hairy bear somewhere has put together a boycott asking us to forgo shaving for a month to display our disapproval over the price of these absurd items. Twelve Mach 3 blades cost me $22.99. Insanity. Each blade is only good on my heavy beard for two shaves before I have to replace.
And this whole business of multiple blades. Can you even find a package of single blade cartridges anywhere? I don't know about you but as a "manscaper" I find it a bit "edgy" using 3 blades...down....there.
If you happen to be the one guy that is still shaving with a single edge let me offer you a simple piece of advice. Don't start experimenting with multiple edges like the Mach 3 or the Quattro. If you do you will never come back. Single edges will just not "cut it" anymore.
Basically, something happens to your beard and it becomes spoiled and demanding- resistant to anything but multiple sharp edged expensive blades.
As for the razor companies it's really just Gillette and Schick. Damn them. So close to a monopoly. Not fair. They control the pricing and we follow like sheep. Shouldn't there be price control guidelines for products we have to use every day? Stamps? Starbucks? Razors?
When Gillette has a new product they usually send suckers like me a sample razor in the mail and like a moron I try it out. A month ago I got this ridiculous "Fusion" blade sample that has a total of 6 sharp edges (5 on the blade plus a sixth side burn trimmer).
How exactly would you explain to aliens from another planet that you use a 5 bladed razor on your face?
It sounds stupid just typing it out.
Well of course the experience of using this blade has made my beard "immune" to all other razors that have come before it. I cannot get a close shave with anything other than the Fusion. I jumped from 3 edges to 5 edges....my beard actually "leapfrogged" over the Quattro (4 edges).
I don't think my beard likes even numbers.
The cost per Fusion blade is something like $3.50. Crazy!

I am sad to say that I have a feeling it will only get worse.
Where exactly will we be a year from now? 8 edges that will actually remove 3 layers of your skin when you shave?

I can almost see the sure to be "Saturday Night Live" skit where Andy Sanberg goes to shave but his skin is removed completely by the eight edged razor blade known as the "Oucho"....

Andy Roddick

Airbrushed:


Had to laugh when I saw the story of tennis star Andy Roddick, this Men's Fitness cover, and the obvious airbrush job on his guns....which he openly admits.


Just to clarify....
You can play tennis and have big guns.



Not airbrushed:


I'm just sayin'...

How rude of me

Hi there.

I am taking a wee break from blogging because I have been busy with this and that.

I didn't really tell you I was leaving for a little bit...HOW RUDE OF ME.


I will be back real soon because I have some things to say.

See you soon and thanks for keeping up with me......

.alt>mike

.alt> recollection- The earwig

So I stopped to have a mid-afternoon snack the other day, and while I was reading about the spider that crawled into the little boy's ear, I remembered something from long ago and far away....


The following is an .alt>mike recollection....



When I was growing up in the middle ages there was a sci fi show called "Night Gallery" I would always watch even though it was on past my bedtime. It was an anthology series hosted by Rod Serling that was somewhat similar to his hit TV show called "The Twilight Zone"from the 1960s. "Night Gallery" stories were mysterious and spooky, and altogether ooky-
oh wait, hang on that was something else....
.
Anyway, one story involved this man who was complaining of an earache and how his Doctor discovered that an earwig had made it's way into his ear canal. Side note- the whole "earwigs like to hang out in people's ears" thing is an old wives tale.
They were going to operate on him the next morning....but when he woke up the Doctor examined him and determined that miraculously the earwig made it's way through his brain and came out the other ear! It was like a one in ten million chance that that could happen!

That was the good news.

The bad news was that the earwig was a female and laid a whole bunch of eggs in his brain and they were about to hatch. The last scene was the man's reaction to the news of the soon to be hatching eggs- a loud scream that scared the shit out of me for the remainder of my childhood.
Just wanted to share.

Have a great day everybody!

As heard in Starbucks

As heard in Starbucks on Colonial Avenue yesterday 10:05AM

Lady #1: Did you hear it's going to drop to 65 degrees tonight?

Lady #2: Yeah I knew this whole global warming stuff was bullshit.

ALTernative Reality- GayDays

It's coming. Like an approaching hurricane for which there is no escape-
Gay Days- The mega weekend plus at Disney and surrounding attractions.
And it's less than 30 days away.

"OMG! Got to get to the gym!
OMG! Got to get a bathing suit for Beach Ball!
OMG! Got to start barfing up anything fattening I am eating!"

This is an Orlando thing.
If you are a gay man in Orlando there is a good chance you:
a. are saying this now.
b. know someone saying this now.
c. are overhearing someone saying this now.

Muscles

According to "muscular" sources,
www.bigmuscle.com is OUT.
www.realjock.com is IN.
I know this because a guy in the gym said so eloquently today,
"There are a bunch of girlie men on bigmuscle.com....and just cuz they got muscles don't make em jocks".

I just thought you all would like to know.

ALTernating Channels- Barbara Walters is a Cheeseball

Oy! The continuing deteriorating Barbara Walters.
Sanity is slipping away.
Here are "excerpts" from her 20/20 special the other night on transgendered children.
Enjoy.

We have something you don't have!!!!

I love Orlando!
Can you believe that someone here came up with the idea of a musical featuring the songs of 80's pop princess Debbie Deborah Gibson? "Electric Youth" premiering this Saturday at the Starlight Dinner Theater features fourteen of Debbie Gibson's most-loved songs, including "Out of the Blue," "Only in My Dreams," and "Lost in Your Eyes."
Other than agreeing to let the producers use her music, she had nothing to do with putting together this show (She might find herself saying that a lot on May 6).

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Mixed emotions! I love Debbie Deborah. But Oy! The story is kind of wild. They are definitely going with an Abba/Mamma Mia type show....though they seemed to forget the most important element of that hit musical.
KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID.
You can explain the plot of Mamma Mia in one sentence----
"On the eve of her wedding, a young woman reads her mother's diary and invites her three possible fathers to the attend the wedding."

Now compare that with the plot of "Electric Youth" taken from a press release.
Hold on and try to follow along....it won't be easy. I am NOT making this up:
"The story follows the adventures of a young couple from New York City named Randy and Tasha, who are recently engaged. The duo travel to the rural community of Fern Hill, Minnesota, to announce the news to Randy's parents. Upon their arrival, Randy and Tasha discover that Fern Hill is facing bankruptcy, and that the Wilsons are in danger of losing their farm, thanks to the mean-spirited machinations of wealthy town spinster, Emma Van Horn. Randy and Tasha, because of their experience working in a bank, hatch a plan to restore Fern Hill's economy by creating more places in the sleepy town for its local teens to frequent......

Wait there's more---
When Emma hears of their plans, she convinces her nephew, Keith, a more underhanded specimen than she is, to find out the specifics, so she can thwart Tasha and Randy's efforts. Keith finds just such an opportunity when he learns that Randy's younger sister, Kris, has been harboring a secret crush on him, and uses this to his full advantage. When Keith meets Tasha, however, he in turn falls madly in love with her, and schemes to drive her and Randy apart.

And then the big climax---
How Tasha and Randy find their way back to each other, outwit Emma and Keith, and save Fern Hill, is the premise that drives the story of Electric Youth.

My God dreadfully wonderful....right? Maybe a kink or two they have to work out before it gets to Broadway...you think?

Listen I have to admit something....

I was partial to Tiffany even though Debbie grew up one town over from me in Merrick Long Island. Let's face it, as much as they tried to downplay it, it was definitely Tiffany vs. Debbie and this was light years before Britney vs. Christina.


Debbie was the prom queen.
Tiffany represented all the peeps from the wrong side of the tracks. She was the dirty girl. While Debbie was singing "Lost Inside Your Eyes", Tiffany was "I Think We're Alone Now".

Debbie was all about making out.
Tiffany was all about....sex.

Am I the only human being in the world who sees how picture perfect the casting would be of these two in a touring company of WICKED...the MUSICAL?

Well that is down the road for sure.
First up is "Electric Youth" at the lovely Starlight Dinner Theater here in Orlando starting May 5.
Here is the kicker.
Deborah Gibson herself is scheduled to attend the opening night performance. I definitely need to go that night to see this show.
but I need to go and experience this with a true thespian.
Hmmmmmmm......I know.
I'll get actorschmactor to go with me.

My Homeland Security Giant Fantasy

The state of the nation is such that I feel.. lost. Alone. Unsure.
First, the war.
Now, Rosie leaving "The View".
It is all too much.

I want to feel safe.
I want to feel secure.

Therefore, I want a 6 foot 3 or taller person to lay on top of me.

Is that so wrong?

I want to be face down. I want to be enveloped by my giant's bigness.
This is not about sex, it is about security. If you want sex go here or here.

In fact, I would prefer my giant to remain fully clothed.
My giant could be straight or gay.
My giant could be a man or a woman, but it will probably end up being a man because I want my giant to be all natural, no steroids and I know how hard it is to find a good natural amazon woman these days.

Frankly, I haven't had the best of luck finding interested candidates for the position of "homeland giant". I noticed a new guy at work last week ...probably 30 years old or so. He looked promising. When he got up to go the water cooler I ran over to him and asked him how tall he was. He said 6 foot 5. Bingo. I welcomed this 6 foot 5 co-worker to the office. I then asked this 6 foot 5 co-worker if he would consider laying on top of me. I told him all the specifics of my request. He first laughed, and when I didn't laugh back he looked...confused. Confusion led to an awkward uncomfortableness. He declined my request and said that the best he could do was "friend" me on myspace. He slowly backed away looking directly at me. He didn't blink...I noticed that. He never turned around as if he didn't want to take his gaze off of me. What was he afraid of? Later I would learn that my 6 foot 5 co-worker was recently married. He was a newlywed just back from his honeymoon. I certainly would have had his bride "sign off on everything. I would have had her sign a permission slip like we had in grade school. It would have said something like:
"I (so and so) give permission for my husband (6 foot 5 co-worker) to lay on top of (me) for a period of time not to exceed 3 hours."
I would have certainly done this if it would have made the 6 foot 5 co-worker more comfortable.

I then thought maybe I could find my 6 foot 3 or taller giant on the internet. I have been searching the blogosphere for a candidate and I think this one is the perfect physical specimen I require. After reading his blog it appears he may have some bladder issues that may destroy the fantasy I am trying to create. Actually, he seems just too damn intelligent and witty. He would most certainly want to engage in conversation and that would be a big problem.

You see, I don't want my giant to talk at all. Not one word.
I just want a massive lug to mount me (non sexually).
"Shhhhhhhhh my lug......don't speak".


So now I am reaching out to you...my faithful .alt>mike readers....
If you are taller than 6 foot 3 would you consider helping a shaky, neurotic Jewish man feel more safe and secure?

Here is how I envision my homeland security giant fantasy:

You come into my bedroom (not a word....not one) and I am already laying face down with my head turned to the left so I can watch TV.
You carefully lower yourself down on me so that every part of me is under the weight of your bigness. Be gentle, I am but a mere 5 foot 11 and weigh only 168.
The rest is simple-
Just lay there.
Don't do a thing.
You may breathe as long as it is rhythmic and soothing.
After a period of time, when I decide that I feel safe and secure, you will carefully lift yourself off of me. Make sure you press down on the bed to lift up, do not press down on me. Otherwise, you may crush my piano playing hands and my mother would never forgive you.
Then collect yourself and leave.

Oh.
Just one other small item.
I hope this is not a deal breaker.

When you are laying on top of me... I would like to be watching the Tennis Channel.
Ultimately, I would like to be watching one of the Grand Slam finals....like the French Open.
Please don't ask me to explain this but it is a small touch and would mean the world to me. Thank you.

If you are interested, or if you know someone that maybe interested please leave a comment or get in touch ASAP.

This may not solve the nation's homeland security issues, but I am completely confident that having a 6 foot 3 or taller giant laying on top of me will certainly help me feel more....grounded.

.alt>idol- Lucky Bucky

Good Gawd Bucky! What the fucky!

When he was on American Idol I thought he was... kind of sucky.
Yet Bucky Covington is the latest American Idol NON winner to land a CD in Billboard's Top10. His self titled debut is "Bucky Covington" debuts at #4 on the Hot 200 album chart and debuts #1 on the country charts. You know how those country music fans are, they will listen and buy anything!

I guess it makes little difference whether you win or lose American Idol...the exposure helps you sell records. Wait I take that back. It seems it is better if you don't win American Idol. Case in point- winner Taylor Hicks. Remember him? Taylor is like the unwanted step child of AI. It is like the show is embarrassed about him. His album really didn't do much on the charts and can you even remember the name of his hit single? That was a trick question. Of course you can't! He hasn't had one. They didn't even let him perform during "Idol Gives Back" this week. Not very charitable.

Interesting fact-
At this point last year, there were nine Idol-related singles on the charts, including Bo’s “The Real Thing,” Kelly’s “Walk Away,” “Because of You,” and “Gone,” and Carrie’s “Jesus, Take the Wheel,” “Don’t Forget to Remember Me,” and “Before He Cheats.” George Huff (who?) and Josh Gracin also had singles on the charts.
This year, there are 16 singles, charting across nine different charts, a 43 percent increase.

Amazing. Not to mention all the artists who perform and mentor on the show and how the albums by the likes of Barry Manilow, Tony Bennett and Gwen Stefani see major sales spikes the week following their involvement on the show.

Which idolers are next on the horizon with new albums?
Well Kimberly Locke will be back May 1 with a new collection titled "Based on a True Story". Her single “Change”is already inching closer to the Top Ten on the Hot Adult Contemporary Tracks chart. It now sits at #11. There is a dance version of this song floating out in the clubs. My God did I dance to it and didn't realize it at the Parliament House two weeks ago? Go Kimberly! She is one of my fave alumnus.

Paris Bennett's Princess P follows on May 8.
After that it is Mandisa with her new single "Only One World" dropping on May 11, with the CD to follow on July 31.

And you know it's only a matter of time....
I can almost hear Sanjaya doing his vocal exercises...

Me, me me me MEEEEEEE!

.alt>rant and rave!

Spiderman 3.
Batman Returns 12.
Superman 7,000,000.

I am so over movie superheroes and the endless line of sequels.
I am so over everything.

The Rave!

7/11 has a new arrival. It's the white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie and you can find it along with the whole family of 7/11 cookies in the "bakery" that sits in the middle of each store. You grab a bag and pick n' choose and mix n' match the cookies you want.
It is surprising that Southland Corporation, the headquarters of 7/11, did not allow their number one cookie fan (me) a preview of the new arrival since I have been known to eat a couple of these gems from time to time.*
The white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie is not as good as their old faithful chocolate chip but light years better than the dreaded coconut pecan cookie. I only get that cookie if everything else is sold out. No chocolate chip, no oatmeal raisin, no peanut butter etc. The coconut pecan is like a tourniquet. To be used only at the last resort.

The good news is that 7/11 is making a big deal about the fact that these cookies have no trans fats- you know the stuff that we eat that we cant taste or understand but we are sure is killing us. They have rolled back the pricing so that a single cookie is now 49 cents instead of 59 cents. You get a discount based on the amount of cookies you purchase. I am usually good for 3, but since they no longer have trans fat what the hell I will start picking up four at a time.
How is that for rationalization?
Now instead of being filled with trans fat, I will just be.....fat.

Japan to the U.S.- "I'm King/Queen of the World

After reviewing information provided to me by the Research and Demographics Department here at .alt>mike.com, it appears that our "frequent users"(those who check out .alt>mike regularly) are comprised of two very distinctive "groups" of people. Without getting into too much detail or devulging propriatery information, I can sum it up this way....
There are them....and there is you.
My goal is to keep everyone happy and try to keep .alt>mike one of the fastest growing blog sites on the web.* So for this reason I have decided to post this entry regarding the rise of Japan at America's expense in two forms- I have one version of the post for them, and then another version of the post for you. Hopefully one of these versions will be effective in illustrating the point in a manner that you, our loyal reader, can relate. The versions are presented in no particular order. Here we go.



Alternative Version #1:

Japan is taking over the world! And I don't have a problem with that. Just a fact.

The magnitude, size and scope of the shift in power from the U.S to Japan is becoming evident. For the first time ever in history, Toyota sold more cars and trucks around the world than General Motors in the first quarter of 2007 according to this article from the New York Times.


Alternative version #2:

Japan is taking over the world! And I don't have a problem with that. Just a fact.

The magnitude, size and scope of the shift in power from the U.S to Japan is becoming evident. For the first time ever in history, Japan's ladies garnered both the Gold and Silver medals at the 2007 World Figure Skating Championships while the U.S. ladies could do no better than 4th and 9th place according to this article from the New York Times.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE! Apparently, some of my loyal readers may need guidance to help determine which version is right for them. If that is your case, leave a comment and I will do my best to help you figure it out.

Rosie leaving "The View"

Rosie will announce her resignation on today's "The View". This story was first brought to our attention by .alt>mike chief New York correspondent "Bobby In the City" this morning at 7am. Bobby may be old...but he still sharp as a tack.

Sad sad. I feel sad because I love Rosie and I feel sad because she just can't seem to settle down and enjoy the success.

American Idol- Who will be eliminated this week?

No one.

Is American Idol going to eliminate someone tonight? Me thinks not. Big charity event, charity concert....they will probably announce that text messaging has also been "donated" by sponsor and everybody will feel good about themselves.

Particularly Lekisha who would have gone home tonight.

The card wallet

I am jealous of guys who can use a simple card wallet like this one pictured. I envy guys with small ones.
I guess when it comes to wallets I would be considered a reverse size queen.

I have always chosen wallets that are big and bulky because there is just too much baggage I need to have around me at all times. I hate it. I wish I was one of those laissez faire types that didn't feel the need to have his "AMC Movie Watcher" card with him 24/7 but this simply isn't the case. I mean, you never know when you want to pull over and see a movie...right?

In Starbucks speak, my wallet would be classified as a "venti" for sure. When I put it in my back pocket it is so big my left ass cheek looks swollen. I look deformed. I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being! Sometimes people think I have a pack of cigarettes there and mistake me for a smoker. Can you imagine that? Me, the health nut mistaken for a smoker. Not that there is anything wrong with smokers.... except...the smoke.

A card wallet would fit perfectly in the "scaled down" way I would like to live my life. I am always looking for new ways to make things simpler for myself. Here is an example- A couple of months ago I became overwhelmed with the all the clutter building up in my home office. I took piles and piles of papers that were scattered all over my desk and on top of file cabinets and on the floor and simply threw everything in the trash at one fell swoop. It was liberating! What a release! The funny thing is here I am sitting in my clutter-free home office a couple of months later and I am not missing a thing!
Well this is not entirely true since it seems that along with everything else, I threw out my passport and now I can't go to Toronto next month and play tennis like I had planned.
Oh well...but at least my office is neat.

My friend Anthony has a card wallet. When the two of us are in a restaurant I will conveniently slip out of sight at the sight of a bill for two reasons. First off, I am cheap I like the feeling of being taken out. Second, I admire from a distance the way he whips out his sleek card wallet to remove cool cash to pay for our meals. So simple. When he places the slim wallet back in his front pocket it is hardly noticable to the human eye and does not take away from his non bulge elsewhere. Amazing.

But the concept of "downsizing" to accommodate the card wallet is too much for me. How do you make it day to day with just the couple of items to put in a card wallet? Guys with card wallets carry their license, cash, health insurance card and....that's about it.

What about everything else? What about all the other necessities?
What about your Starbucks card? I don't think I could make it past 8am without that one.
A Bloomies card? I don't know about you but I think I would feel naked without this on me.
A Planet Smoothie "Frequent Sipper" card...?
I carry the UPROMISE card with me at all times because a percent of the purchases made with the card go towards paying for my little nieces college education. I would feel awful if the girls couldn't go to college simply because I chose to use a card wallet instead of a venti.
Don't guys with card wallets have nieces like I do?
An ABC liquor card. Ok I could probably lose that one since I don't really drink.
Oh yeah what about this one....
An organ donor card. Is someone going to do without a spleen simply because someone else didn't want an unsightly bulging left ass cheek?

I suppose guys with card wallets have some kind of transport system that makes working with them more manageable. I figure that a guy treats the card wallet like a "satellite" and probably has a "mother ship" wallet somewhere else. Maybe in the car. This way he could add and subtract from the card wallet as he sees fit.
Put in your gym membership card, take out your Barnes and Noble card...and so on and so on. But surely it isn't safe or smart leaving your belongings in the car like that. Plus the "mother ship" concept takes away from the whole idea of simplifying your life...doesn't it?

Finally, there is the matter of cash. The slit in a card wallet is really too small to hold more than a couple of bills in my opinion. This would be the deal breaker for me.
What if I was in a rush and wanted to get a 59 cent cookie at 7/11 and all I had in my card wallet was a twenty dollar bill? I couldn't imagine trying to stuff all the change I would get back in that little slit. It would be embarrassing. Do I have to run around 7/11 frantically searching to find other items to purchase to avoid getting back a lot of bills?
No...I would probably become exasperated and say to the 7/11 lady, "Look, keep the change...please. As you can see I am trying to simplify my life with this card wallet and all this change does not fit into my new lifestyle."

The more I think about it, the more I am certain I am not cut out for a card wallet.

.alt>chatter- A Beautiful Day in NYC- THANK GOD

Phone conversation this morning with a too uptight New Yorker:

Friend from NYC: It is sooooooo beautiful this weekend. It's going to be sunny and in the 70s again today!
Altmike: That's great.
Friend from NYC: You don't sound enthusiastic. Are you jealous?
Altmike: Um no I live in Florida. Remember? It is sunny and beautiful most of the time here so I guess I just take it for granted.
Friend from NYC: YEAH WELL I HAVE AT LEAST 48 INDIAN RESTAURANTS I CAN ORDER TAKEOUT FROM AT 3AM ON ANY GIVEN NIGHT YOU BITCH.
Altmike: ...as you keep reminding me.

ALTernating channels- Rosie Gives Up

Say what you will about Rosie but I love her.
For me it was a very sad moment on "The View" when she basically threw her hands up the morning after the Virginia Tech massacre and said
"We will never have gun control in this country".

When Rosie gives up, it isn't a good.

The Spirit of Sanjaya

Grabbed an early dinner with a "Bunch of Bloggers" last night at this restaurant .
In attendance was Sorted, Mikell, Orlando's resident non-resident Lewis, and a new cat in our group Ctocity.

Hard to miss the irony considering what would be the fate of Sanjaya later in the evening.

Nan tara bhetuyaa  Sanjaya

Sanjaya Strips

Last night was pretty dreadful on American Idol, though Jordin's performance was the best of the year.

1. Quote of the night. Ryan Seacrest "When were looking for a country mentor for tonight, there was only one choice....."
I was thinking to myself...."Dolly Parton! They got Dolly!...or Reba....or....George Strait....
I really didn't think Martina McBride qualifies as "there was only one choice" material. She does have beautiful eyes though.
Phil- Sounded ok but man he is so spooky.
Jordin. Hope y'all are with me now. This is the week she becomes the front runner.
Sanjaya- well, um....he looked great. Where do I get that bandanna thingy? Bottom 3 this week.
Lakisha- bottom 3 with a dreadful take on Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel".
Chris- Not sure what the song was. He definitely sounded country. I just don't think America will relate to him this week. Bottom 3. I think he realized that he was in trouble and started pandering to the audience regarding the VT massacre victims. Not appropriate. Simon was right for rolling his eyes...though his reaction will be misinterpreted for sure...and his attempt at "fixing" at the end of the show was awkward to say the least.
Melinda- Another great "Vegas" style performance. The best was Simon asking her not to act "surprised" when he says that she was fantastic. Isn't it amazing how Simon really does say what we are all thinking at home?
Blake- Affected. Staged...and oh. Off key! Stop twirling aimlessly. The judges love you regardless but I don't buy it Blakey. Safe this week.



And now.....the reason you are here....
Sanjaya strips.

.alt>reality- Hands off!

There is nothing sexy about a groin pull.
If you are looking for titillation go somewhere else.


I pulled a muscle close to my groin when I did an unintentional Mary Lou Retton-esque split on a tennis court down in Ft Lauderdale a while back. At the time it just felt like a little tug. Nothing too painful and certainly not something that prevented me from continuing to play in the tournament (though certainly something I used conveniently as an excuse for not winning any matches).
A week later back home it didn't feel any better. It was a dull constant annoying pain that just didn't go away.
Is there anything less appetizing than a Jewish man whining
"My groin hurts!"? I was losing friends right and left so I had to do something fast.
After some self diagnosing using modern medical techniques (google) I determined that I didn't have a hernia but it was indeed a strained muscle of the gluteous groineous (I made this up).


Who exactly do you go to when you have a groin pull?
My General Practitioner is like 85 years old. Call me nuts but I didn't want his cold hands giving me a feel up down there.
The only person I could trust with my groin would be my Chiropractor and good friend Dr. Brad who is like a brother to me. After all, it was yours truly who fixed him up ten years ago with another Doctor who became his hubby and life partner (and I figure by this time he has forgiven yours truly for possibly destroying his life).

On my first visit to his office, he pressed down into the injured area and made me squeal like a girl. His prescription? A number of ultrasonic therapy sessions where I would disrobe to my underwear. The process was simple enough. He would coat my groin with goo (it rubs the lotion on it's skin) and then move this metal ultras sonic thingy close to my thingy.
There was nothing sexy about this. In fact, my groin region was so tender that even this small motion was so painful I thought my pee pee was going to sink into itself and become a "mangina".

The only saving grace in this was the ever-so-brief acknowledgement by Dr. Brad about my colorful C-in2 underwear. This made my day. Don't laugh.
It's the little things that make life bearable for someone living with a groin pull.

I figured that I was good to go for at least 16 sessions of treatment. Partly because that was about how much my insurance would cover, and partly because I had only 16 pairs of self rated "Class AAA" boxer briefs and these would be the only ones I would let anyone see me in.
If treatment had to continue past 16 sessions I would have to start wearing "reruns". This would be totally out of the question. Even if I had to limp my groin-pulled ass into Bloomingdale's and pay full retail I would not be seen in the same pair of Aussie Bum's twice. It didn't matter that Doctor Brad could care less or that he was probably at this point thinking that I was a lunatic.
For me it's a pride thing.

Luckily for me therapy ended long before I was in danger of exhausting my stash of top flight trunks because Dr. Brad is that good of a Chiropractor.

Gosh get me talking about underwear and get completely off the subject.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about my groin pull.
Groin pulls suck, really they do.
I could go on and on about the major inconveniences you face with little everyday tasks like getting in and out of a car and going up and down a flight of stairs blah, blah, blah but why bore you to tears?

However.

Just in case you are wondering whether or not I was able to enjoy myself at all during this God awful groin pull experience the answer is a (not-so) BIG FAT NO!

Which just goes to show you.

Not every touching story has a happy ending.

.alt>rant n rave!

Customer Service Representatives make me ill and I am over being Mr. Nice Guy.


Example #1.
Thanks for nothing.
Why is it that I am the one who says "thank you" after getting back my change or credit card from the Ross Dress For Less lady? Shouldn't she be thanking me for taking my money? I realize my purchase may be a measly pair of Adidas irregular ankle socks but what the hey.
I am the customer...aren't I? Don't I deserve some respect?
Pay attention the next time you check out at the grocery or department store. Fight the urge to say thank you for nothing. See what happens. I think we say thank you quickly at the cash register because we don't want to be disappointed when the cashier doesn't say thank you to us as it should be.

Example #2.
Eat me!
I was at a restaurant the other night and my friends meal came out cold. He sent it back. My dinner sat there and started to get cold waiting for his. He told me to start eating. I did ...and finished. Then his came out. But I was done. Miserable.
When the bill came....did they comp his meal? No!
I asked our server to send over the manager. He came over. I explained the situation and his answer was "I am sorry you had a bad experience.... Tell me, what can I do to make it better?"
This burns me to no end.
"First thing you need to do is your job. Don't put me in the position of telling you what you need to do..... It's bad enough that I had to suffer through this crappy meal now you are making it so that I have to rectify this particularly disappointing experience."

Example #3
The ultimate F.U.
Have you ever been on the phone for a hour and a half with customer service who doesn't do a thing to help you and then when it is all over says "Your business is very important to us. Is there anything else I can do for you? Can I be of any further assistance?" The anger is only heightened when they try to sell you something you don't want or need before they let you go.
I have decided the next time this happens this will be my response-
"Hey I know these calls are monitored so I just want to go on the record to say that you have been absolutely no help. Have I given you any indication that you have been of service to me in anyway? If so, let me make it clear that you have not. You did not answer my questions or give me the answers I have been looking for from you and you alone. In fact, you have wasted a good deal of my valuable time for which I am going to bill your company for reimbursement. May I have the address where I should send the invoice?"

Wonder what kind of scripted response they have for that one.

The Rave!

I was going to write a post about the whole Don Imus mess but truly Kendall says it best and sums it all up here and here.

So as my Aunt Hilda used to say "Why Botha?".
Oh plus he puts a pretty picture up every time he posts something if you are into that sort of thing.
Hmmmmm....I wonder if that is why I check out The Way I see it everyday.

.alt>idol- Sucking Up To Sanjaya

Regardless of what you think about Sanjaya...
Did you notice how everyone on American Idol was trying to kiss his ass this week?
Even the very first moment of last night's result show was Ryan kidding with him about "who is going to be leaving" (a sure sign that he was going nowhere once again).
And J-LO just couldn't stop gushing.

While he was performing Besame Mucho, Sanjaya got the flattering camera angles (they reserve the real close "up the nostril" cam for only the top crowd favorites)......
Plus he got the prime placement of singing last usually reserved for Melinda.
Seems like they certainly are putting a lot of attention on the boy.

Hmmmmmm.......
Could it be that somewhere, someone realizes....that ...well....just maybe....by chance....
he might....
just might.....
be _____________________ ??????????

.alt>videos The Go!Team

Now this is a clever video- "Junior Kickstart" by the Go! Team.
Best part? The unfazed New Yorkers.
All I can say is that there would certainly be a reaction if I saw Ms. Pacman running through the streets.....

.alt>politics- stoopid dint wurk um fer gur

We are dumber in the U.S. than we used to be.

Sometime during the last couple of years "The View" has become must-see-TV.
The U.S. is doing bad things all over the world. We stopped being responsible.
We can't even answer the question "paper or plastic" right.
We need help.
We need Al Gore to be our next President.

Stupid didn't work. We know that now. We also know that Al Gore is smart. He told us the world was going to get warmer and the ice was going to melt and if we didn't do anything about it all hell would break loose. Hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis oh my! This is not the time to take a chance with anyone who isn't proven. Anyone who might even possibly be dumb.

Al Gore told us what we were to expect down the road and even though many labeled him a quack he stuck to his guns. He has offered solutions. Sounds like a leader to me.
I think the Republicans are bad but now I am wondering about the Democrats. I have waited for Hillary and Barack to tell me what they truly think, what they stand for....anything. And I have learned....nothing. Too much time has passed since the day they told us they wanted to be President. All they seem to be doing is raising money. There is a chance they may be dumb also. We need Al.

He will run if we tell him too. I believe that because he is a leader and he doesn't want the world to blow up. He probably wants to make sure that if he is elected, like he was once before, that he will actually get to be President this time. That sounds reasonable.

I want to be smarter than a fifth grader. I want to question the answers on Jeopardy.
I want to live.

We need Al Gore.

My inalienable right to win- Part 2

My tournament- the revelation.

Wow it felt good to win. I really got emotional and all I did was win a couple of matches. Made it worth every difficult step it took to get to where I was in those glorious moments. Up until this weekend I never quite understood what others have told me about competing in tennis- Regardless of skill and ability, you have to allow yourself to win. You must deem yourself worthy of winning.

What exactly did that mean? Who wouldn't be open to the idea of winning? Who wouldn't allow themselves to experience that exhilarating feeling? Sounds destructive.
Looking back it makes total sense now.

Until recently, I found myself doling out a batch of excuses I have used all too well to my disadvantage in this game-
I only started playing this sport two years ago and prior to that I had never picked up a racquet.
I am 47 years old.
Most of the guys I play are much younger and have played since they were children.
Did I mention that I am prone to tendinitis?
Or that I have adult A.D.D?
Oh and I can't serve into the sun because my eyes are super sensitive to light.

Hiding behind the shadow of a "cop out" made it far too easy to avoid exercising my inalienable right to win.

Until recently I had set up most of my practice matches exclusively with players much better than me. This made losing more comfortable. After all, it was unrealistic to think that I could win against these players and sure enough I lost ever single time. Playing with those who possess a greater skill level has its advantages, but these last couple of weeks I have found it much more challenging and ultimately more fulfilling to play matches with those at my level.

Imagine that?
Me...setting up unrealistic expectations.
Me....Avoiding those that might be considered challenging and my equal.

Have I been open to the idea of winning?
Am I open to to the idea of winning?

I think I enjoy tennis so much because the lessons learned on the court help me with what I need to work on off the court.

It is far less painful to set yourself up to lose than to allow yourself to go through the agonizing process of trying to win.

And so it is in tennis...
and other more important games.

My inalienable right to win- Part 1

NO I did not win the championship. Not even close.
But, I did win matches.

The tournament- the fun stuff

This was the 4th GLTA tournament I have played in my life, and the second playing in the "C" division. I won my first two tournament matches ever- singles in two sets 6-3, 6-4. and doubles 6-3, 3-6, 10-7 tiebreaker. This was a huge improvement over my play just weeks ago at the Clay Court Classic in Fort Lauderdale which at the time inspired me to write this.
Also important-
I looked good. No let me emphasize I looked real good. I strutted into the tennis facility with the cool confidence of a pro wearing my Adidas outfit from head to toe. I could almost hear my imaginary handlers yelling,
"No pictures! PLEASE, no pictures!".

Here are the funniest moments/highlights of the weekend for me-

• It seems everyone who plays tennis in the GLTA is named Michael.
• My Doubles partner (Michael) is the quietest, nicest guy - and from what I learned this weekend, apparently very strong. We have been playing together for a couple of months now and we are a pretty good combination. I am a little crazy, he is a little dry, and we are both lefties which has the potential of driving our opponents nuts. Anyway, when we won our doubles match which was my first win....I was so taken with the moment that I ran to him and jumped into his arms, wrapped my legs around him right there on the court. I couldn't help myself I was so happy. I wouldn't let go and he actually walked me over to the net where I shook the hands of the guys we beat while he was holding me up. I laid my head on his shoulder and he had no choice other than to walk me off the court. His deadpan response? "Hmmmm...that was different."
• After that I went into the locker room to get ready for my singles match I ran into another Adidas clothing whore (Michael) from Virginia. He looked at what I was wearing and said "Well, I tried on that outfit you are wearing but I kind of thought the coordinating stripes on the shirt and shorts were just too much." I couldn't help myself and fired back "Yes, I can see why you had second thoughts. You really need to be slim and athletic in order to make this outfit work." Bitchy, I know.
• Day two was a much cooler weather wise. I decided to wear UnderArmour instead of Adidas because the fabric is thicker and warmer. Surely no one would notice. Wrong! On a changeover in between games during one of my matches, a cute player from Toronto (Michael) who was watching me yelled out "Hey you're not wearing Adidas! Aren't you going to lose your endorsement?" I guess he had been keeping up with my blog. Who knew I had loyal readers a loyal reader in Canada?
• It is hysterical concept that you only want to rip the eyes out of your opponent as you are playing them until they happen to beat you. Then, all of a sudden you become their biggest cheerleader and want them to go all the way and win the championship so you can feel better about losing to them.
  
• I was really touched that sexy actorschmactor wrote an adorable little blog entry wishing me luck. He actually came out with the hopes of seeing me play on day two....even though he was a little late to the party and I had already lost. But, it is the thought that counts and I really appreciate all the nice comments and well wishes from him and everyone else.

Next post- The revelation.

Hello Spider

Spider you'll never go away again.
Welcome back.

.alt> racquets and balls

Playing my tournament...

Hopefully, you won't hear from me until Sunday night :)

Have a great weekend y'all....

Tony Bennett and Sanjaya

Ok let's get the whole Sanjaya bashing thing off to a rip roaring start....since this week, like last week, and the week before that...he isn't going anywhere. Certainly not home.

You want to argue with Tony Bennett who is completely in line with my thoughts on Sanjaya?

“Shows up. He comes up with something every week. He’s very interesting. He’s got a sense of humor, and he sings very well.”

Somebody is voting for him. And let me make this clear. Though Howard Stern and votefortheworst.com would love to take credit for keeping Sanjaya in the competition and undermining the show, I doubt seriously if all the votes produced by a satellite radio guy and an internet site most Americans are not even aware of would even register as a blip on the voting radar screen.

As you can see by the article in the New York Post, Sanjaya-mania is a fact. Kids are trying to get his hair style and he is the most "googled" American Idol contestant bar none...from all seasons. Hmmmmm....sounds like a....pop idol!

Face it. We are in trouble if thirty and forty-something year old' popular music tastes are aligned with teenagers. Hard as it may be to fathom, if you are reading this.... you are probably old. Probably too old to understand that Sanjaya relates on some level to kids who actually dial the phone to vote for their favorites on the show. Yes folks, he may not sing perfectly. But he has a confidence about him that translates to star quality. Since when does singing alone make a pop star?
Remember what old people said the first time they heard a rap song? A hip- hop song? The Beatles? Elvis? Something like, "this isn't music" and maybe "what's with that hair?"
Young people do their own thing....sometimes it doesn't make sense to us oldsters. So as American Idol tries to attract more "adult" viewers by raising the age limits of it's contestants, I am glad that it looks like a young contestant might have a shot of winning...the way it should be. NOT Sanjaya. My hope is that seventeen year old Jordin Sparks wins this year. She is what the show should be about in my opinion. And an American Idol win for her can possibly do something meaningful for her career.

Which leads me to this....
What exactly will an American Idol win do for Melinda Doolittle? Land her a "plumb" position on the Jerry Lewis Telethon? Secure her a leading role in the broadway revival of "Ain't Misbehavin'? I don't mean to sound cynical but thank God that Jennifer Hudson lost American Idol. Her losing probably did more for her career than a win might have.

So you sit on your couch and applaud politely for the very talented, Vegas-ready older contestants, while the kids get on the phone to dial for their favorites....

......And all logic gets thrown to the wind.
The way it should be.

.alt> Mashup Aerosmith vs. Nelly Furtado

VS.







A little rock, a little hip hop, the latest bastardization! Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous" was Billboard Magazine's "Pop Record of the Year" in 2006. "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith was one of their big singles peaking at #10 in 1977. In the 80's it was covered by Run D.M.C.

WEEKLY MASHUP
Aerosmith vs. Nelly Furtado "Promiscuous Walk"

.alt>fashion- Adidas will be endorsing me

In my dreams.
However, I will wearing Adidas products from head to toe when I play in my tournament this coming weekend. One thing I learned at the Sony Ericsson Open last week in Miami is that Adidas is the shit! They sponsor most of the hot players (including Novak Djokovic the men's champion) and they absolutely blow Nike and everyone else out of the water. I cannot believe how hideous the new Nike tennis fashions are.

Anyway just in case you were interested I wanted to show you what I will be competing in. Most who witness my tennis game might say that I should concentrate more on my serve instead of the color of my shorts. But then again they probably haven't read this.
Even if I can't get the ball over the net I will be stylin' and smilin' because I will be wearing the "Response Line" inspired by Andre Agassi. It is so "me"- a somewhat mature look (but not without flair). So what do you think? You like????
I can't stand collared shirts. Frankly I would prefer to play sleeveless or shirtless to show off these. But since this is a tournament, as a compromise I will wear a tee shirt. I thought that this shirt was just a bit classier than most everything out there. It is black with a white and lavender stripe down the front and the Adidas signature 3 stripe bar on the sleeves.

The shorts coordinate as you can see (can you see the stripes on the bottom corner of the shorts? Pretty cool, huh?), and I have to tell you the stripes on the front of the shorts and the shirt look pretty dapper when you put the two on together.
For day 2 of the tourney I will be wearing the same exact outfit....only in white- with black and lavender stripes.
The sneakers are one of styles of the Adidas Barracades. Kind of strange but I am going with navy blue/white sneaks which I picked up at the Adidas outlet here in Orlando even though black would be the obvious choice. The navy in the shoes is kind of between the black and lavender in the shirt and I really like the way it looks. Black would be just too predictable and I certainly don't want this to look like a uniform! Sidenote: Adidas.com could not guarentee that the black barracades would arrive prior to my tournament so all of a sudden the dark blue ones looked great.

For my cap and wristbands I am going with the .alt>ernative Adidas stripe pattern.... looks like a pyramid. Why? Because I am .alt>mike! I have every Adidas style of socks known to mankind and I am not sure which ones I will end of wearing but they will be of the low ankle variety like these as opposed to the higher which I just don't like the feel and the marks they leave on your legs after your match and you put on your flip flops...

OK I will shut up now....the Monday Mashup will be up in a little while and you will see what happens when Aerosmith gets promiscuous.

.alt> weekly POST WITH THE MOST

Happy Friday and welcome to the first edition of the POST WITH THE MOST.
I read tons of blogs. I leave comments on many, I "lurk" on many others. Each Friday I will tell you the post that I came across from someone in my "circle" that I thought was particularly interesting for any number of reasons. Could be the funniest, most original, nastiest, informative or inspiring thought of the week...whatever.
I just think that so many bloggers do not get recognition for great things posted and I am afraid that there are terrific stories missed by many and....
well....
I really don't have a lot of time on Fridays to write so I might as well point you in the direction of someone who presented something brilliant.

And I bet you are wondering what the weekly winner receives? Well, if it isn't there already, the winner gets their name on the .alt>mike blog roll for starters!
And that is about it.

This week Mountain Cabin put up a laugh out loud funny Craig's List post by a somewhat disgruntled Starbucks employee. I have sent the link to a number of fellow caffine addicts people who found it as hysterical as I did. So, even though it isn't original, it is something that was certainly entertaining and made an impression on me.

So Mountain Cabin's "Bad Barista Bad" will go down in history as being the first POST WITH THE MOST. Exciting, isn't it? I guess the blogger Colaboy29 is to POST WITH THE MOST kind of like what Kelly Clarkson is to AMERICAN IDOL- the first winner who might be remembered forever and outlast all others!
Or maybe not.

Check out Mountain Cabin.

.alt>mike midweek rant! Razor Blades

I cannot believe how much money I am spending on razor blades. Why isn't there a revolt? I wake up each morning hoping that some hairy bear somewhere has put together a boycott asking us to forgo shaving for a month to display our disapproval over the price of these absurd items. Twelve Mach 3 blades cost me $22.99. Insanity. Each blade is only good on my heavy beard for two shaves before I have to replace.
And this whole business of multiple blades. Can you even find a package of single blade cartridges anywhere? I don't know about you but as a "manscaper" I find it a bit "edgy" using 3 blades...down....there.
If you happen to be the one guy that is still shaving with a single edge let me offer you a simple piece of advice. Don't start experimenting with multiple edges like the Mach 3 or the Quattro. If you do you will never come back. Single edges will just not "cut it" anymore.
Basically, something happens to your beard and it becomes spoiled and demanding- resistant to anything but multiple sharp edged expensive blades.
As for the razor companies it's really just Gillette and Schick. Damn them. So close to a monopoly. Not fair. They control the pricing and we follow like sheep. Shouldn't there be price control guidelines for products we have to use every day? Stamps? Starbucks? Razors?
When Gillette has a new product they usually send suckers like me a sample razor in the mail and like a moron I try it out. A month ago I got this ridiculous "Fusion" blade sample that has a total of 6 sharp edges (5 on the blade plus a sixth side burn trimmer).
How exactly would you explain to aliens from another planet that you use a 5 bladed razor on your face?
It sounds stupid just typing it out.
Well of course the experience of using this blade has made my beard "immune" to all other razors that have come before it. I cannot get a close shave with anything other than the Fusion. I jumped from 3 edges to 5 edges....my beard actually "leapfrogged" over the Quattro (4 edges).
I don't think my beard likes even numbers.
The cost per Fusion blade is something like $3.50. Crazy!

I am sad to say that I have a feeling it will only get worse.
Where exactly will we be a year from now? 8 edges that will actually remove 3 layers of your skin when you shave?
Listen up Gillette, I got the name-

The "Ouch-o".

Yup. I am for Sunjaya.

As heard on American Idol tonight:

RANDY: "I'm speechless every time. The hairdo is... interesting."

PAULA: "If you had the gumption, if you had the ability to totally go for it, then it would fit the wackiness of the faux-hawk."

SIMON: "I presume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight....I don't think it matters what we say anymore....if people like you, good luck."

You know what I think about Sanjaya. He is his own guy with balls of steel. Is that enough of a reason to vote him to be the American Idol? Probably not. But I remember him every week which is more than I can say about some of the other "who is that" performers. Sanjaya is safe again this week...he won't be going anywhere.
I bet you are going to hear about his hair all week long....and little girls boys all around the world are going to want to have a faux hawk just like Sanjaya who is pictured here-




ROCK ON LITTLE MAN!!!!! .altmike is with you.


PS....
Goodbye Hayley your time is up. Look for Chris Sligh to be at the bottom as well.
Great performance by Gina! Phil Stacey you spook me!

.alt> view- Sony Ericsson Open

I can't quite put my finger on all of the reasons why I love going to tennis championships like the Sony Ericsson Open which I attended this past weekend. Could it be the fact that you can really get up close to professionals...and really observe their form? Or maybe it's just the coolness of walking around and seeing tennis idols just hanging about amongst the crowd....kicking back and enjoying themselves between their own matches.
A tournament like this one has many matches going on at the same time. The top players like Roger Federer and Maria Sharapova might be playing in the big "stadium" while others play in smaller venues. You can just walk around and go in and out of matches as you see fit. At the same time players that go on later in the day can be warming up on the many practice courts spread out throughout the grounds. This really is a treat because you can be as close as ten feet away from the greatest names in tennis. These folks can really smack the ball. You get a sense of both the grace and the power of the professionals when you are just steps away from them.
While a lot of my friends chose to sit in the stadium and watch the big guns like Andy Roddick, I preferred to stay at the courts where I could get up close or watch the practices. My favorite players are the up and comers who just don't have the name recognition (yet) like Nicholas Almagro from Spain and
Shahar Pe'er from Israel. Yes Israel! A funny little side note is that you can always figure out where Shahar is playing because every time she loses a point you hear one or two stray "Oy vays!" screamed out from the bleachers. I felt a little tinge of Jewish guilt when I left her match early to check out Nicolas.
Which leads me to a unique aspect of this tournament in particular. Being in Miami there is a wonderful international flavor as people from all over the world come to root for players from their own country. It really is a lot of fun.

Anyway, I will stop boring you with my thoughts and these darn pictures but I am just all psyched about tennis right now. This tournament gets me excited about playing and I came back and smacked the ball harder than I have been doing so I am getting myself in the right frame of mind for the tournament I will be playing in a couple of weeks....

,alt> Mashup of the Week- Pink vs. Billy Idol

This is the new banner that will indicate that it is time for Mike's .alt> Mashup of the Week.
Do you get it?




I am not exactly wild about this week's mashup but I promised you Billy Idol and Pink so it's "Pink Wedding" taking riff of "White Wedding" mixing it up with "Get the Party Started" and there you have it.
WEEKLY MASHUP
Pink vs. Billy Idol Pink Wedding"

I have tennis on my mind so you will get some of my thoughts about the 2007 Sony Ericsson Tennis Open that I attended in Miami this past weekend and share with you my preparation for the next tournament I will be playing here in Orlando in just 2 weeks mercy me. Why? Because I want you to know what I am going through for goodness sake don't make me go this one alone!
Glad to be back home missed you all desperately and feverishly reading and trying to catch up with all your blogs....
I will have more for you hopefully later tonight....

Rock on with Billy and Pink

.alt> travel- Sony Ericsson Open

I am down in Miami (actually Key Biscayne) until Monday at the 2007 Sony Ericsson Open Tennis Championships back on Monday with pictures of the biggest stars in tennis.

Also on Monday...

What happens if Billy Idol turns Pink?

I will have another mashup for you.

Hope you are having a great weekend. Cheers.

.alt>ernate view of ambien

I take the sleeping aid Ambien more than I would like to say- Never more than a half of a pill a night, though fairly consistently.
I have been reading all these stories about people doing all kinds of crazy things under the influence of Ambien without any recollection the next day- cooking, driving places, cleaning the house. None of this happens to me.

What's wrong with me?

ALTernating channels

This is my every so often review of what is happening on the tube. The child below is of no relation, thank you very much. It is our "ALTernating channels" poster child.... changing the channel as we move from one show to another.

AMERICAN IDOL ON FOX

Did you see little Ashley on American Idol last night? She wasn't one of the contestants but she stole the show with her lack of restraint. Watch the youtubes below if you need to catch up or get a refresher. Anyway I just have to let her know what I am thinking....

Dear Ashley,

You had me at *sniffle*. I was with you little one. Sanjaya was rocking the house. You couldn't control yourself...I was almost crying myself. Finally, an American Idol moment that Sanjaya could OWN!!!!

And then THIS happened:



Ashley, why the hell are you crying for Nell Carter Melinda Doolittle?
And at the end of the show you were crying for everyone else for crying out loud get a grip Ashley.

Don't get me wrong I love Nell Melinda . I love her 40 year old self. Oh puleez. Every morning I wake up and wonder "Is this the morning the Smoking Gun is going to expose her true age and that she is a mother of 3 with a prison record?"
They keep asking her if she is as nice as she says she is. Geez if someone asked me that question even I would say I was nice too! What are you going to say? "No Simon, I am an evil, evil, old bitter jaded person."
Even if she "pulls one over" the media... to what end? Ok so she is going to win American Idol....and do what? Vegas? Carnival Cruise Lines? Bottom line Melinda can sing like nobody's business but she isn't going to sell records to a pop audience and silly me I thought that what American Idol was all about. That is why I am with Sanjaya, or Jordin Sparks. These two are the total package and they have the ability to sell a lot of records to a lot of young people.

Oh and Ashley, if I can offer you but one piece of advice it would be this. Give your heart. But be selective. In later years you may find the quarterback of your high school football team to be attractive, but that doesn't mean you have to love your way through the linebackers, defensive ends, and cornerbacks to get to him. Do you understand what I am getting at here Ashley? Trust me, I know.

PS- I think it is curtains tonight for Stephanie. If you are saying "Who dat?" there, in itself, lies the problem with Stephanie.

WORKOUT ON BRAVO


I am not a lesbian.
If I was, I would probably watch the "L" Word on Showtime.

But I would never ever ever miss an episode of "Workout" on Bravo which started it's second season last night. Why? Because lesbos need their ultimate fantasies just like gay guys. Just in case you don't know the premise of this reality-esque show, it is a supposedly unscripted series detailing the dramas at an elite Beverly Hills gym called Sky Sport & Spa. The show chronicles the demanding owner's efforts to build the business, manage her trainers and satisfy her select clientele.

Translation- Jackie the power bitch gets to boss around everyone in her gym! Big strappin' straight and gay guys just about fall to their knees and hang on her every word. All kinds of women want to be her, want to be like her, want to be with her.

But there are plenty of reasons for guys like us to watch too-

One of the upcoming plots (according to last night's coming attractions) involves a very buff male model who enlists the services of "Jesse" one of the gay male personal trainers who insists that Mr. Model remove his shirt to expose his chiseled chest before he starts his workout with him.

Bravo!

I mean, you can meet the cast of "Workout" on the Bravo website .
If you missed any episodes from last season or this season's premiere, don't worry they will play it like six hundred times overs the next week.

Till next time ALTernating Channels over and out.

ta da. the new banner

I don't even want to tell you what I had to do to get this banner.
I feel like a .... Well, lets just say I feel dirty.

playing with myself

Ok so I am changing some things around here.. pictures, banner, concepts, headings etc....
Honestly I am not sure what I am doing. I was all jazzed about my new banner until multiple people brought to my attention that it looked like dueling butt plugs. Great. It will be gone soon is gone! Now replaced with something "art-sy" and fabulous meme!. But just for kicks take a look at that (former) banner and tell me if you think it is a mirror image.....or not. :)

The Monday Morning Mashup Vol 4- Coldplay vs. The Temptations

Just in case you don't know what a mashup is...read this.




Last week on American Idol contestant Chris Sligh attempted a Coldplay infused version of "Endless Love"- the Diana Ross/Lionel Ritchie classic. Though we give him an "A" for effort, it was kind of off. I think that particular ballad just wasn't suited for the arrangement. But this mashup of Coldplay's "Clocks" (2003) and The Temptations "Papa Was A Rolling Stone" (1971) works rather well. But you can judge for yourself.

Here is Chris Sligh's "Coldplay-ish" performance of "Endless Love" from American Idol last week:

Compare that to the mashup (you can snag it for a limited time!):

Coldplay vs. The Temptations
"Papa Was A Clock"

I got a cold in my doze

Today I had a cold so I stayed at home by myself crawled up on the couch wallowing away in self pity immersed in flannel, fuzzy slippers downing Too jays chicken noodle soup by the pint while watching the vh1 marathon countdown of the "100 most shocking moments in rock and roll"(#75 was Carnie Wilson's stomach staple operation which she had broadcast live on the Internet) .

My friend called me and said my voice was so hoarse I sounded like the love child of Harvey Fierstein and the once tampon laden Brenda Vaccaro.

The thing that pisses me off about the common cold experience is how we actually sabotage ourselves with the medications we take. For example, you take pills because your nose is runny, runny, runny, runny, runny and then BAM!!!! All of a sudden you are completely stuffed up. Stuffy probably because you were taking pills to dry the runny-ness and they did too good of a job. Basically, you have helped the cold morph into something else just when you were starting to get the hang of it!

Earlier today my runny-ness turned stuffy so feeling like a total slug I decided to go out to get a different set of cold pills. Upon coming face to face with the Walgreen's "Cold Remedy Wall" I was overwhelmed. So many brands to choose from. While every year there are new concoctions on the shelves (Airborne, Mucinex), it seems the old "workhorses" (Benadryl, Comtrex, Dristan) never die. Who the hell takes Dristan? I think they should set up a "spy cam" or something in Walgreen's to see if ANYONE ever buys Dristan.
And now every pain reliever has jumped on the cold medication bandwagon. There's Aleve Cold and Sinus, Advil Allergy Relief...etc. I think of taking Advil when I sprain my ankle, NOT when my nose is runny. It's hard to imagine that one brand of pill can cure multiple illnesses. To me these brands are just greedy. What's next...Advil Diarrhea Relief?
I feel like shaking Advil and saying, "Stay in your own area! Stick to what you are good at!".


Then there is the whole drowsy or non- drowsy thing.
Sometimes I just have enough time to take....a nap. In this instance should I take just half of a drowsy pill? Or should I mix a drowsy pill with a non drowsy pill and hope for the best?
Honestly does anyone really believe that 12 hour medication has ANY effect after 8 hours?
If I take a decongestant does that mean that my phlegm-y stuff is going to loosen up and my nose is going to run even more?
If I have some Benadryl allergy relief medication left over from hay fever season can I use that for my cold? Is it the same as the cold medication?
Does a caplet work better than a gel cap?
What happens if I don't have a sore throat but I only have medication that includes sore throat relief? Will I be over medicating?
Does anyone ever use generic cold relief medication?
If a product called "Wal-dryl" has the same ingredients as "Benadryl" why would it work as well and cost 30% less? If I take the generic am I am going to feel 30% less better?

I ended up buying Benadryl D nighttime cold relief. Who knows if this stuff is going to work.
However, it's a sure bet that the half pint of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream purchased on my way home will work its magic and make me feel a whole lot better.

The Answer- "A One In a 25 Million Chance"

The Question- "What are the odds of a three way tie in JEOPARDY?"

It happened on Friday for the first time ever-

Carmen Electra Goes SPLAT

It happened this past Wednesday at the Max Factor Fashion Show in NYC.....

Someone is a mess

Actorschmactor must have had some time on his hands today. Taking the IMPORTANTWORDS from my blogger profile, he added his thoughts and humorous reflections next to each of them.... Thank you for the attention!

IMPORTANT WORDS

• Intelligence - Something I'm obviously lacking if i
  actually sent you this list
• Fitness – I’ve read about that …
• Tennis – I should be good at any sport where LOVE = ZERO
  
• Workout – as in “I don’t think it's going to…?”
• Job – One of my favorite books in the Old Testament.
• Jewish – meaning “kind of like a Jew … he’s Jew-ish.” – right?
• Feet – prefer this to the metric system
• Spin – right round, baby, right round
• Israeli – an alternative to the normal spelling of the girl's name Israly
• Italian – That’s-a one-a spicy-a meat-a-ball-a!
• Dark – What I look best in.
• Stamina – He played Uncle Jesse, right?
• Tattoos – Lick.
• Spiritual – well, I’m not gonna light candles and spin around like Stevie Nicks, if that’s what you mean
• Humor – check
• Eyes – From what I hear, they have it.
• Sexy – I brought it back. (I saved my receipt.)
• Hot – Sauce? Chocolate? To Trot? Too many options here.
• Foreplay – Hmm, I’m not really a golfer except for putt-putt.
• Abs – You mean my brake system?
• Shaved – “There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum” – Dr. Evil
• Sexy – umm, I think we covered this already
• Figure skating – What would Brian Boitano do?
• Responsible – since I was three …
• Thick – I prefer to be called full-figured
• Lips – They sang “Funkytown,” right?
• Italy – That’s a lotsa mozzarella!
• Smile – no comment
• The Zone – it lies between the pit of man's fear, and the summit of his knowledge.
• Pierced – Like I need another hole in my head … or in anything for that matter.
• Confident – I’m confident I don’t need another hole in my … whatever.
• Scruff – beats shaving everday … but wait, didn’t you say you liked shaved?
• Flip flops – Those I’ll wear, thongs I won’t.

Dear Ryan and Simon

How about putting an end to the humorless gay banter?
Ok ok we get it. You are friends. This is supposedly harmless wholesome fun. But you know what? I grew up with guys like you. What a throwback! On the playground. In school. In the locker room. And later on at work. It was usually the same drill. Guys like you who made fun of being gay, or try to embarrass others by suggesting they were gay...always seemed to be compensating for some shortage or inadequacy. Never failed. Childish stuff. How old are you guys anyway?
As a gay man it gets to be insulting. Jokes at the expense of others are not cool. Even though there is not a specific target, it is indeed a "below the radar screen" form of bigotry.

Or perhaps Thou Dost Protest too much?
It is getting more and more uncomfortable to watch this back and forth bump and grind between the two of you. Suggestion. If you are "gay curious" then get a room, give it a whirl, and get it out of your system one way or the other. But lets keep it out of the show that is known as"American Idol". Why?....because this is a singing competition....right?

PS.....
Seacrest if you are gay this is a pretty lousy way to come out. Do us a favor. Don't bother.

Boys in TuTu

Last night it was blogger night out at Cafe Tu Tu Tango. This is one of those tedious self indulgent posts where I say how much fun I had and you can only imagine. Here goes.

I am just getting to know these guys and their blogs so I wasn't sure what to expect. One thing is for certain.

These boys can drink me under the table.
Mikell took some great pictures and shared some thoughts here. He really offered a great summary so I won't be redundant. I feel bad because we were so busy posing and doing the America's Next Top Model thing for him that I don't think anyone shot a picture of Mikell....except this lame one that I took with my dreaded Blackberry camera that doesn't show off his amazing blue eyes. I kind of expected these guys to be interesting. But who would have thought good looking? I mean I was expecting "faces that were meant to be behind a computer" but quite the opposite. Sorted is cute as a button, Eric is the nerdy cute one (and I mean that in the best way), Spirit of Saint Lewis and Mikell are the distinguished salt n pepper hair types. You know what I am talking about? Yes I think you do. :)

And then there is actorschmactor.
He can only be described as lecherous devilishly sexy. I got home and there was an email from him begging forgiveness for grabbing my thigh. I love it.

Great time. I look forward to keeping an eye on them (you can find them all on my blogroll) as should you.

Mike's Monday Morning MashUp Vol 3- Blondie Vs. The Doors

Blondie Vs The Doors- Rapture Riders


"

Happy to report that mini Y2K did not wreak the havoc on my computer as I was expecting. My Blackberry was off an hour but my buddy Brad sent me a patch to fix that.

So I had no excuse but to have your Monday morning MashUp ready to go. Since last weeks Killers vs. the Gorrilaz went over like a lead balloon (guess you don't like the newer music), I have gone back in time to find you a fantastic retro mix of two classics. Blondie (Deborah Harry) vs. The Doors (Jim Morrison). Could you imagine how hot there offspring would be? Anyway, hope you like RIDERS RAPTURE.

How do I look?

I was trying to get it together this morning to play tennis and failing miserably. It is amazing that no matter how much time I give myself I always end up running late.
But I digress.
Rushing to get dressed I quickly threw on my shorts, tank top, wrist bands, grabbed my tennis bag and headed to the door. I passed by a mirror, caught a quick glance and thought-

"How do I look?"

Hmmmmmmm.......not bad. But.
Nope. The shorts won't do. Wrong color. I need navy blue instead of white so they coordinate with my wrist bands.

You would think my tennis game would be better given my attention to fashion details.
Who cares! Nobody!

Nobody but me.

I wondered to myself, "I am not going to stop to change my shorts now...am I?. Seriously. Am I out of my mind? My friends are going to be PISSED."
The choices I make are insane. I drop my bag and run back to my bedroom closet to search for the all important navy blue shorts.

At that moment a memory hits me like a tidal wave.

It was 1973. I was thirteen years old. A particularly snowy month of March on Long Island. Weather wise, my birthday was the worst. Over a foot of snow accumulated in less than six hours. When it finally slowed down my Mom summoned my brothers and myself downstairs to go outside and shovel the walkway in front of our house. Whereas my brothers quickly put on their gear and headed out to shovel and frolic, I, on the other hand, took my time getting dressed.
Thinking to myself, "Where are my brown wool gloves...the ones that match my parka?
And scarf? Some color perhaps... neon blue.
No...red works better".
Meticulously putting together the perfect outfit for an active snowy day.
Time must have flown by as I primped and prepped. So entrenched in what I was doing, I hardly noticed my Mother standing in my mirror's reflection. I spun around like a top.

"How do I look?"

My Mom squinted some and said,
"How do you look?
HOW DO YOU LOOK?

WHO CARES HOW YOU LOOK!
GET OUT THERE AND START SHOVELING!"

On that note I ran like mad outside to find my brothers had just about completed the task at hand. Before I could say a word I was pummeled with a barrage of snowballs. "Happy Birthday to ya!!! HA HA" (Typical brother stuff no harm intended and kind of sweet sentiment actually...in their own way).

34 years later.
Today.
My tennis outfit.

I guess where I found myself this morning is at a place where I am able to appreciate all the parts that make up the whole of me. It has not always been this way in my life. Miraculously, that little boy in his parka and coordinated scarf appears to have survived through many changes in me and around me.
Could I have told this story ten years ago? Probably not. I certainly couldn't embrace it as I do today.

For me, it's a strange little revelation. Maybe not so little.

On my 47th birthday the greatest gift is that I have yet to become too wise, worldly, jaded or old to be able to pose a simple question.

"How do I look?"

D.S.T.- The Nightmare Continues

Oh joy.
In addition to the hell of daylight saving time tonight, we have mini Y2K to deal with.
Apparently, some time after midnight all dvd recorders, computers and cell phones are going to explode. T mobile sent me some kind of a patch in email form to avoid the pending doom awaiting my Blackberry.
But I deleted the email a couple of weeks ago because I thought it was spam.

Perfect.

I won't sleep a wink tonight.

The movie I can't wait to see....

I love me my figure skating.
"Blades of Glory" is going to be hysterical. Opening March 30th!

American Idol- The Ladies Slideshow

Here comes that daylight saving thing again

Very confusing to me. Still can't figure out if it is going to be lighter or darker when I wake up on Sunday morning. I am taking 48 hours to prepare. I need a xanax. Am I an idiot? Every year it is the same thing.

American Idol- The guys in pictures

It started with him

This image, this poster.
The year was 1972. I was 12.
That's when I knew....

....and nothing was the same after that.

Fresh Flowers

Sometimes I am concerned about my lack of emotions.

I had a party this last Sunday....I got bunches of fresh flowers which everyone said looked great. My first reaction was "damn when these things start wilting my house is going to be a mess....all the buds and such falling off and getting all over the place."

Am I just practical...or cold hearted?

I certainly appreciate the jesture of my friends and I love them but that was my first reaction and now I feel guilty.

On the other hand, I have no such issues accepting bottles of wine and vodka as house warming gifts.....

Elliott where have you been!

Finally American Idol alumni Elliott Yamin is releasing some music. In fact, if you go to this website there's a free download of the acoustic version of his new track "You Are The One".
I always liked Elliott. I think he can vocally run circles around this one whose CD sales are plummeting quicker than the titanic.

The altMike Monday Morning (ish) MashUp Vol 2 Gorillaz vs. The Killers

I didn't realize that "Somebody Told Me", the Killers first single in the US only reached #51 on the Billboard charts in 2002. I thought it got much higher (wow 2002 seems like just yesterday).
Our favorite virtual band Gorillaz faired better with their hit "Feel Good Inc." which reached #14 in 2005. Both singles were a lot stronger in the U.K.

I call this mashup "Somebody Told Me (to Feel Good)".
Preview from the player on the right ------->
Download if you like for a limited time only.
Enjoy!


Buy: Gorillaz "Demon Days" CD featuring "Feel Good Inc." from Amazon.com
Buy: The Killers "Hot Fuss" CD featuring "Somebody Told Me" from Amazon.com

Not a thriller

Apparently Michael Jackson is in Japan.
People there are shelling out $3,500 each to spend 30 seconds with him.
That is $116.66 per second.

Ludicrous.

Is anybody worth $3,500 for 30 seconds?

Big Girls Don't Cry (on American Idol)

Sundance this has got to stop....

Really.....it must.

Source

Um....what happened here?

This.....

Became that....

Apparently you can be REALLY gay and America will still love you.....

But there are limits....

American Idol- The Saga of Antonella

She sucked last week.
She sucked this week.
Apparently....
She may have sucked....alot.

And I say....
So what!

She should be off the show because she sucked.
Not because she may have.... sucked.

At this moment

I want nothing more than this.

What do you crave?

Monday Morning (ish) Mashup! Volume 1

Some background on the psychology of blogging.....

My blog buddy "Spider" has his site running like clockwork. For example, on Sunday mornings when you power up your computer and check out his blog ,you will find S.U.N.D.A.Y S.N.I.P.P.E.T.S (which, by the way, spells out "S.T.A.N.D. U.P. E.N. P.I.S.S." if you juggle the letters around) . It is as reliable as the Sunday newspaper arriving at your doorstep. Nobody does it like Spider. "Warm and Fuzzy Fridays", "Meaningful Mondays", and my favorite "What the FUCK were you THINKING? Thursdays". We call this "destination blogging" (actually I call it this, I am not sure anyone else does). It is a very effective way to get readers on a routine to check out your blog systematically. This is why everyone reads A Spider's Web in Thornton Park.

PS...."Sorted Lives" does this also.....well.... sort of.

Anyhoo...

I am going to attempt to try a little destination blogging myself. Welcome to the first installment of ALTMIKE's MONDAY MORNING MASHUP. Just in case you don't know what a mashup is...read this. I happen to be a mashup freak. I love them. I find it fascinating when someone takes perfectly good music and ends up bastardizing the song to the point of no return by mixing it with another song. I particularly like finding a new song mixed with an old school one- kind of like the new song paying homage and giving respect to the old song which inspired it.
My thought process here is to find a fun mp3 every week and post it here on Monday mornings. Just a little burst of energy to help get the work week going. AND I KNOW IT ISN'T MONDAY MORNING DAMMIT BUT GIVE ME A BREAK I AM TRYING TO DO THE BEST I CAN!!!!!

Therefore...

Being acutely aware of my strengths ("another good idea Mike!") and weaknesses ("Mike will REALLY be able to COMMIT to putting this feature on your blog at the SAME TIME EVERY WEEK particularly the morning after a once in a blue moon night out with Brad for one dollar Long Island ice teas at the Savoy?")....

the end result is this...

.
ALTMIKE'S MONDAY MORNING (ish) MASHUP

You will be able to preview the week's selection on the media player on the right. See it? Just press play. If you like you can use one of the links below to get the music. The song will have active links for a limited time so keep that in mind. :)

This week it is Christina Aguilera's "Aint No Other Man" vs. Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round". This mixture from hell I call "Ain't No Other Dead or Alive Man".
Now I didn't put this together and I would give props to the person who did if I knew who it was because it really is a flawless mashup.
Hope you like....let me know your thoughts.

And....

Don't forget to check back Monday morning sometime early next week to find the next installment of:
ALTMIKE's MONDAY MORNING (ish) MASHUP.




Download: "Ain't No Other Dead or Alive Man"
Purchase: Christina Aguilera "Back to Basics" CD from Amazon
Purchase: Dead or Alive "Evolution- The Hits" CD from Amazon

The Only Thing Certain

I was hoping that they were like me and would want to hover at 39 for as long as they could.
But no.
The US Postal Service has proposed raising the price of a stamp two cents.
This will blow us past the perfect 40 cent stamp that would have made a book of 20 an even 8 dollars.
At 41 cents a piece I would have to purchase 100 stamps at one time in order to avoid change. This got me thinking about....

The lengths I have gone to in my life to avoid change.

Separated at Birth?

Enjoy the Oscars.

I'm Gonna Let You Go

Tonight a friend of mine decided he had enough of talking to me on the phone and tried to end our chat by saying "I'm gonna let you go".

Feeling dismissed I found myself shrieking back "Dammit you are NOT in control of this conversation I am going to let YOU go you ASS WIPE!".

I managed to hang up the phone first and felt better after I scarfed down 4 chocolate chip cookies from 7/11.

American Idol- It Pays to be Pretty (Shitty)

According to American Idol predictions the 2 top men vote getters this week (meaning they are NOT going home) are Sanjaya Malakar (pretty) and Sundance Head (shitty).

For the women its of course Lakisha ("And I am telling you I am not going") Jones and um......Antonella Barba (pretty/shitty).

It looks like those that are just plain boring are going to get their walking papers tonight:
Men: Paul Kim (damn I want him to stay to satisfy my foot fetish), Nicholas Pedro (who?)
Women: Amy Krebs ("I can't make you love me, if you don't...." ....we don't), Alania Alexander ("I'm special.....so special...."....no you are not).

Apparently Paul Kim has wasted no time in thinking about his next career move. He got his shoes on and is hard at work here.

Introducing Joss Stone.....Again

I laughed my ass head off this morning watching VH1's Top 20 Countdown. There at number 20 was the "latest", "defining", and "groundbreaking" video from Joss Stone. "Tell Me 'Bout It" is the first single from her new CD- "Introducing Joss Stone" (though a better title might be "Reintroducing Joss Stone" or better yet "Take Joss Stone.....PLEASE!")
Have you heard of Joss? If so, you must watch gobs of VH1 because that is really the only place you can hear her music in the states. The video channel has tried relentlessly to shove this "teenage blue eyed soul queen" down our throats for the past 3 years though she has yet to take off. To me, she just doesn't sound authentic. A soul diva needs...um... soul and I don't hear it in her music. Yes it is true she is a Grammy Award nominee and that one of her songs even landed in Billboard's top 10 for an ever so brief stint.
To that I say....hmmmmmmm.

I just find it amazing how VH1 sticks with Joss through thick and thin.
What a loyal beast.

I wish VH1 was my boyfriend.

Worth the Weight?

Driving from Lauderdale back home to Orlando today, I stumbled across this sign and wondered-

Just how many pounds of food do we eat in one sitting?

Did You Have Fun?

I have been playing my first Clay Court Tennis Tournament in Fort Lauderdale this weekend. Being relatively new to tournament play there are some "social rules" of the game that I am still learning.
For example, when you meet up with someone after one of their matches you should never ever ask "Did you win?" unless you are certain this player has won. Otherwise, there is a strong chance that this person lost (remember 1 out of 2 players lose). If your friend lost you might as well insert your foot in your mouth.
A better way to broach the subject is to ask "Did you play well?". This way, as the saying goes, it's not all about winning....it is about how you played the game. Plus if this person won their match they can be the one who tells you the good news.

Finally, there is the dreaded "Did you have fun?". This line is reserved for those players who you are pretty sure lost their match and you don't even want to bring up the win/lose thing at all. Your goal here is to get in and out of the conversation quickly so that you can move on to pressing items like dinner plans.

Just in case you are wondering how I did in Fort Lauderdale.....

I had fun. I had a shitload of fun. Thanks for asking.

They Are Always Around

While driving in downtown Orlando suburbia today I stumbled upon an intersection which had the following message posted in sign form overhead:
"No right on red when children are present".

A joke?
Aren't children always around?
I certainly felt their "presence" when they were sitting behind me on Flight 798 Las Vegas to Orlando last Tuesday kicking my seat like there was no tomorrow.

A Slow Burn

I went to the movies and saw The Last King of Scotland today. I got to thinking that the commercials before movies are parallel to global warming.

Something that kind of crept up on us....
Something that we kind of gave into ....
and possibly something that can be controlled.

The Critics Agree.....

It completely pisses me off when I see a movie trailer or preview which starts out with the words "The critics agree...."
Who exactly are these "critics"?
I have no idea what they all agree on (and doubt that EVERY SINGLE CRITIC agrees) and even if each and every critic agreed that the particular movie is good I wouldn't go see it because I hate the idea that these marketing folks use THE CRITICS as the barometer to gauge whether the film could get me laid would be worthwhile for me to see.

Miss Hit

The new Katharine McPhee solo CD is yet one more example of a former American Idol contestant resorting to "lowest common denomination of pop" blandness. Kind of like watching grass turn brown. What a shame because I think she has a lot of talent though she certainly isn't her.

The Greatest Songs You've Never Heard Before- Vol 1

There are great pop songs out there that never made it anywhere close to the top of the charts because of bad timing, bad production, bad marketing, the wrong singer, etc. etc.


What if these unfortunate melodic mishaps were given a second lease on life? Every so often I will feature a "musical misfire" and suggest the artist that might resuscitate the "left for dead" track.



Take for example the none-hit wonder Milira. "Go Outside In the Rain" was featured on her self titled debut album which probably sold like 3 copies in 1989. Other notables off this cd are versions of Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me" as well as "Until You Come Back To Me" originally recorded by Aretha Franklin . These soul classic renditions are just so-so, and the production on "Rain" is entirely heavy handed. I also didn't like her interpretations of most of the songs on the CD- entirely too jazzy for the subject matter. Still the melody line and lyrics of "Go Outside In the Rain" shine through I dig the words " I wanna go outside in the rain, so no one no one no one no one can see me crying." A great vision.

Fast forward to 2007.... Jennifer Hudson can you hear me? Listen this ain't no dream girl. Take your diva self and record this song. Make it a hit!

Download:
Milira- Go Outside In the Rain

Purchase:
Milira from Amazon.com

PS I will add writing credits for the song but currently they are no where to be found.

You've Never Looked Better

The other day I overheard someone say to my friend Steve "You've never looked better."

Steve replied "Thank you that is so kind of you to say."

I pointed out to Steve that this was not necessarily a compliment. What if this person, for instance, thought Steve had consistently looked like crap for as long as he had known him? Then perhaps "You've never looked better" might just mean that this person thought Steve just looked slightly better than crap on this particular day.

Teaching my Blackberry Naughty Words

I recently purchased the Blackberry Pearl from T-Mobile which has cool features like voice recognition dialing, an mp3 player, and a camera. I really like the the SureType function. Basically, as you start typing out a word in an email or in a text message the Pearl actually finishes the word saving you time and effort.
Except----
My Blackberry does not like to spell out naughty words. Seriously, there must be some mechanism or default that discourages the Pearl to type bad things. This can prove to be a pain in the asa ass particularly when you are texting your friend to tell him he is a dumb duck fuck.

You can actually "train" your blackberry to auto type curse words but it takes a shutload shitload of time for that crsp crap. Someone emailed me to suggest that I try to be a better person by avoiding nasty words altogether.......

My quick response back to him was "DUCK THAT SHUT YOU ASA!"

Carlos and Me

I play tennis with my friend Carlos all the time. When we play doubles we play with each other as well as against each other with other partners. Carlos is a fantastic player and very smart without a bad bone in his body. However.....
One of his strategies is to whack the opponent who is playing at the net with a hard dead on ball to kind of put him off balance for the rest of the set. It usually works.
But when I am on the net playing against Carlos, he never hits me....
Is it because...I am his friend?
Or is it because I suck so much he doesn't think I am worth hitting?
I kind of wish he would hit me.
Am I a masochist?

Hunker Down and Pray For Daylight We're Going to Jason's Deli!

Do yourself a favor and pop a Xanex before you go to Jason's Deli at the Colonial and Primrose intersection in Orlando- the nightmare plaza where Starbucks, Pei Wei, Chipotle and Jason's collide. I call it the Fast Food Bermuda Triangle. Who is the brain trust that designed the parking lot for this place? My favorite is the perfectly good drive-thru lane along side of Starbucks with the words DO NOT ENTER splattered on the ground. Is this a sick joke?
It's January...which means that all of the 8 men and women in town who ARE NOT eating at one of these establishments for lunch on a Saturday afternoon are trying to make their New Years resolutions stick at LA FITNESS which is also in this shopping center. This means...this poorly designed parking lot becomes....a train wreck.
It's everyone for themselves. If you find a space...you take it even if you have to murder someone.

A spot with a "ten minute" parking sign?
Whatever.
Handicapped parking spot?
Start limping.
Fire lane?
Sleep with a fireman so you can park there.
Here is a tip. Make sure you have a clear understanding of your auto insurance and your deductible because the chances are someone is going to bump you...the narrow sliver-like car aisles are ridiculous.

Isn't Jason's Deli a scream? I imagine that all the Jason's Delis are the same across the country. There is no shortage of staff that is for sure. When was the last time you ate somewhere and said "Man there are TOO MANY staffers here".
When you walk in you place your order with...the order taker. Along with a number and colored ticket receipts he offers instructions. The instructions are often confusing.
"Here is your number take this yellow ticket to the cashier." As I make my way to the cashier, another staffer whisks the yellow ticket out of my hand and offers more instructions. "Take the pink ticket to the cashier, and then take your number to this other line to get your food. When I get to the check out line the cashier asks...."Where is your yellow ticket?" Good lord we are just talking simple sandwiches and salad bar!
And so it goes at Jasons.....
Think of the Ford Motor Car Assembly Line theory gone completely haywire. I am not making fun of the staff....just the system. At Jasons it's a bunch of good natured workers running into each other....anything but efficient. It wouldn't surprise me if the staffers had titles like "Fork Specialist" and Broccoli Liaison"...very specific in their function and service.
"I am the guy who brings you your fork".
Oh...cool.
I wonder....what does the future hold for a Fork Specialist? What will the Fork Specialist be promoted to?
A couple of things about Jason's Deli:
-It appears that you need to be seen at Jasons in your workout duds even if you haven't been in a gym for like a century. But for the most part it is an attractive crowd so be prepared. Wear clean underwear....you just never know.
-The salad bar itself is like a trough at a slop house. It's a given that everyone takes a "little sumpthin" whether they purchased the salad bar or not. I am not endorsing this I am just saying.... You walk by...you pop a muffin in your mouth....you walk by again....you take a piece of watermelon or a carrot stick. Just the way it is. Those that purchase a side salad are allowed one trip to the salad bar. Yeah right. No one follows that rule but yet I find it hysterical watching someone fill up a side salad plate like it was going to be their last meal...
-Oh and about those muffins on the salad bar. Don't eat them. They are very good. Don't eat them which means don't be SEEN eating them. They have carbs...the bad kind. The kind you don't eat within 30 days of your New Years resolution. Have some dignity. Do as I do and horde them in a "Jasons-2-go" bag and scarf them outside as you watch the policeman come to sort out one of the many fenderbenders in the parking lot from hell.
Now that's entertainment!

see more at www.altmike.com

Jew of the Year

This year I started liking SNL again and Andy Samberg is the reason. This boychik is the brains behind some of the funniest moments in the show's recent history. Anyone who can make me laugh as hard as I do watching these two vids deserves to be my 2006 "Jew of the Year".

Oh he's real cute you say? Great Body? Funny I hardly noticed.....




Uncensored Dick


Natalie Portman Raps

Hey Gerald...Thanks for nothing

Dear President Ford,

So now it appears, according to Bob Woodward, that you disagreed with the White House's entire Iraq war policy as early as July 2004 but didn't want your feelings known till after your death.
Thanks a lot Gerald.
If this is offensive, pardon me President Ford. It just feels like another case of the Republican "good ole boy" thing where it would have been more important for you to stay silent on behalf of the "cheney-of-command" than to speak up for the country.

Perhaps you were afraid that in voicing your true opinions you were going to have to pay the price that others did just months before?

The more I think about it the more my blood boils. Your voice, a couple of years ago could have possibly changed the course of this bloody mess we are in.


Well it's not all bad Gerald. At least you married well.

Kind of bitchy...don't you think?

This little morsel of devilish delight courtesy of sports reporter Mark Starr of Newsweek, who was commenting on figure skating's 2006 Olympic Silver Medalist Sasha Cohen of the United States:


"I am delighted to see that Sasha Cohen is finding success as an actress. She was a beautiful skater and has shown the potential to be an even better actress. I was always impressed by how she managed to look so surprised when she fell on her tush, given that she fell on her tush all the time."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16314083/site/newsweek/page/5/

Routine

Eat. Work. Gym.
Eat. Work. Gym.
Eat. Work. Gym.
Eat. Work. Gym. Shtup.
Eat. Work. Gym.
Eat. Work. Gym.

Will it be any different in 2007?

Christmastime for the Jews

This Week in Pop Culture (in one sentence)

Oprah and Steadman moving in together but we were thinking she was a lesbian like Rosie who goes off on Donald and he makes an ass of himself fighting back because of Tara Conners almost losing her Miss USA tiara for partying too hard with celebrities like Justin Timberlake who tore it up on SNL doing "Dick in a box" while his song "My Love" is number 5 song on Billboard Hot 100 and Miss Beyonce still strong at #1 with "Irreplaceable" and her movie Dreamgirls opens in major cities only with 25 dollar tickets just think that is half the price of what tickets were selling for at the beginning of the week for the new hot show on broadway "Spring Awakenings" which got rave reviews across the board and since ticket demand (and prices) have skyrocketed to $111.25 for orchestra seats.

The Bestest Chanukah slash Christmas Gift Ever!

Wow my friend brad got me the best gift. It's the Beatles "Love" Deluxe Set featuring remixed Beatles classics. Also included is a separate DVD which has all the songs recorded in 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound. You have to make sure you get the deluxe edition because they are also selling the CD by itself in the stores. Best songs to me are the druggie induced ones like "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds" and "Strawberry Fields Forever" though its really fun to hear what they did with "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and "Help". The sound is incredible on the DVD and because my surround sound speakers are stationary in my living room I am forced to SIT and LISTEN to the music as opposed to moving all over my house folding laundry, cleaning the coffee pot etc etc which would be the normal way this adult A.D.D. guy HEARS music.

PS...I have a confession to make. I am writing this entry while I am playing the DVD and I feel guilty because I am once again HEARING instead of LISTENING but I love you brad and its the thought that counts.

O'Donnell vs "The Donald"

I love "The View".
I love Rosie.
It seems like everyday there is something going on with that show that everyone is talkingy about.
Yesterday Rosie said some bad things about "The Donald". You can read about the whole fiasco here.
And the response straight from "The Donald"?.
Let's roll the tape....



If you happen to see "The Donald", please let him know that I own a hairsalon and I can help him.

ah the spirit of the season

Kirstalicious

Kirstie and Fergie
Separated at Birth?

Cold Case

Tonight it was unnerving to come face to face with the Walgreen's "Cold Remedy Wall" while my nose was running and I needed instant relief. So many combinations to choose from. An overwhelming, endless list of brands- Nyquil, Alka Seltzer, Benedryl, Comtrex, Tylenol, Dristan, the list goes on and on. Then you have to decide drowsy or non- drowsy. What if I just have enough time to take....a nap? Do I take half of a drowsy pill? Or should I mix a drowsy pill with a non drowsy pill and hope for the best? Honest to god does a 12 hour medication have ANY value after 6 hours? If I take a "decongestant" does that mean that my phlegm-y stuff is going to loosen up and my nose is going to run even more? If I have some Benedryl allergy relief medication left over from hay fever season can I use that for my cold? Is it the same shit as the cold medication? Does a caplet work better than a gel cap?
What happens if I don't have a sore throat but I only have medication that includes sore throat relief? Will I be over medicating? And what is this $20 Mucinex stuff? When did this crap get on the shelf? Does it work? Does anyone ever use generic cold relief medication? If a product called "Wal-dryl" has the same ingredients as "Benedryl" why would it work as well and cost 3 dollars less?

I ended up buying Alka-Seltzer daytime cold tablets and Benedryl D nighttime cold relief.....
But honestly, I think the half pint of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream and 3 giant 7/11 chocolate chip cookies that I purchased on my way home is what will really make me feel better.

The "Amway" Arena

Boy we are so cosmopolitan here in Orlando. The TD Waterhouse Center (home of the Orlando Magic) has been renamed the Amway Arena and you can read about it here.


Just imagine going to a sporting event or concert on "date night" at a venue named the Amway Arena. How trashy. I guess it could be worse if it was the Mary Kay Cosmetics Arena, or the Marie Osmond QVC Doll Collection Arena ....but that's about it.

All That Glitter

Who is the sadistic monster responsible for the ritual of placing free falling glitter inside of cards and invitations? Nothing says "screw you" better than to open a letter only to be assaulted by a "fairy dust" explosion which instantaneously sets up shop on your clothes, face and floor. Call me neurotic but when the powder starts to fly my first thought is always "ANTHRAX! I AM GOING TO DIE!.." Rushing to the phone I call my mother to say my final farewell and beg forgiveness for the time (35 years ago) I almost dislocated my younger brother's shoulder by pinning him down on the ground and dropping oranges on his head while he struggled helplessly. I figure the call might save me from a fiery hellish afterlife.

The fact that so many of these special invites are for Christmas parties is astounding to me. How festive! Charming! What a way to get the party off to a bad start!


Not to ignite a holy war or anything...
I have been wondering. Is EVERYBODY getting these annoying holiday droppings...or is it JUST THE JEWS on the party list? Could it be a subtle, though not so subtle way to discourage us from partaking in the holiday cheer?

Wait. That is ridiculous to think such a thing. But then again, it's hard to imagine why a Christian would send another Christian an envelope loaded with obnoxious airborne lint. How could ANY recipient refrain from screaming "J__US FU_KI_G CHR_T"!?
Why would someone of faith tempt someone else to say such a thing?

If you are thinking I am a scrooge,,,perhaps you are right. For me, "all that glitter" would become a non-issue if only "OLD ST. NICK-stein" would grant my wish and place one of these under my chanukah bush.

Daughtry

I find it kind of obnoxious that American Idol's Chris Daughtry and the powers that be named his group "Daughtry"...and their first CD's name is...well.... "Daughtry".

Besides the lack of name creativity and obvious ego bloating... it has the feel of a strong-armed "soprano-esque" message to his band- "Don't fuck with me boys cuz at anytime I can leave you cold..."

Jeez.

How is the CD?

Mid-tempo. Formula. Boring. Bland. Hey reminds me of.... this one!

Which then made me wonder...what ever happened to this one?

A Tale of Two Grapefruits

Man it's hit or miss with grapefruits these days. I got one of those "bag-o-grapefruits" from Publix...you know the value priced 8 pack that comes in the netted bag. Yesterday's grapefruit was the juiciest and most delicious one I have ever had. Then today, from the same bag....looking the same as all the other ones in the bag was what must have been a mutated orange disguised as a grapefruit. When I tried to peel it the skin was as thick and tough as an Old Navy bomber jacket. Seriously, I hacked at that thing and broke a nail. When I finally bit into it there was hardly any juice and what was there was bitter as hell! A truly disastorous experience particularly when just 24 hours ago I was basking in the glow of the perfect fruit.

Is consistency in produce too much to ask for?

A Message to the Lead Pussycat Doll

Dear Lead Pussycat Doll,

I certainly don't want to come off as "catty", but after seeing your performance on the American Music Awards it has become apparent that the time has come to leave the group and put the other Dolls out of their misery. The bottom line? You sing, they don't. Don't worry Lead Pussycat Doll, those four must be keenly aware that they are well into 13 of their big 15 minutes....and they should have nine lives each to practice until they get it right. Let them move on, or retire, or partner up with the remnants of Destiny's Child and open a burger joint called "LEFTOVERS".

By the way Lead Pussycat Doll....what the hell is your name anyway?

Nunsense

Times must be tough for the once flying high Flying Nun Sally Fields.

You may also remember her from the "You like me, you really like me" tirade she launched while accepting the Best Actress Oscar (her second) in 1984 for "Places In the Heart".

Her latest acting gig is that of TV spokesperson for BONIVA- the self proclaimed pharmaceutical wonder-drug designed to help boney old broads.


Ain't the bread from "Brothers and Sisters enough? Gee Gidget,you're a sell out!

Chipolte vs. Moes

While my fellow friends and bloggers write about weighty subjects such as life, love and death, I have decided to blog about my new favorite friend- the soft shell taco. My troll/friend Brad turned me on to them about 2 months ago and I haven't stopped eating them since. I am a very easy going guy when it comes to food. If it is good, fast and healthy I can eat the same thing like 20 times (no lie) a week with no problem. This is why I wasn't impressed with whats-his-face from the Subway sub commercials. So what that he eats the same thing every day of his life? So do I. I have my protein shake just about every morning, my Pei Wei Asian Chopped Chicken Salad (hold the rice sticks add a side of veggies) for dinner. And for lunch...well its back to my new friend- the soft shell taco.
Taco Bell is gross but Chipotle (I pronounce it incorrectly as Chi-pol-te) is hot. There is something about the sleek, metalic, stylized look and feel of a Chipotle that makes you feel...."upscale". Funny how you can feel classy as salsa comes streaming down your chin while scarfing your food down like it was your first meal after getting kicked off of "Survivor" in week 12. I can order 3 healthy soft shell tacos and still have enough pesos from a 10 dollar bill to stop for a "Marble Slab" chaser.

On the other hand, there is Moes. "Welcome to Moooooooooes!" is what the staff says when each and every customer walks in. They are sooooooooo friendly there. Boy it is irritating when you are in a piss poor mood from playing an extra shitty tennis match and you just want some quick grub and you hear that "Welcome to Mooooooooooes!" Not only that, even AFTER you hear your own personal "Welcome to Moooooooooes" you have to live it over and over again when every other customer comes in. The tacos at Moes are wrapped in Reynolds Wrap which I don't like. The tacos are bigger.....and may be a bit tastier than Chipotle....but they are definitely messier. In my "circle" (code:gay) a bit tastier is not worth it if the taco is a bit messier.
I like guacamole. I don't like the idea of paying extra for it. It seems so random. Will they decide tomorrow to charge extra for cheese, or sour cream? Why is guacamole so special? Both Chipotle and Moes charge extra for guac BUT....
a lot of times I get it no charge at Chipotle because I ask the "taco creator" to put the lettuce on top of the guac and usually the cashier doesn't see it. At Moes the cashiers are "guac nazis". I usually cant get a freebie there.
Moes gives you free chips (that are really good), Chipotle you have to pay for a brown lunch bag filled with chips.
I like the salsa options better at Moes...
The food tastes fresher at Moes.
But in a classic case of "Style vs. Substance" I would choose Chipotles over Moes though I can't pronounce it correctly worth a damn.

at the deli

I can't stand the way Publix seals it's deli counter meats and cheeses. They do a great job of carving, stacking, and weighing....but why do so many of them fold the bag and place the sticker OVER the bag opening giving you an 87% chance of ripping the bag when you grab for your Arustica Chicken Breast or your Alpine Lace Low Fat Swiss Cheese?.. ..No matter how delicately you try to peel off the label YOU RIP THE BAG possibly exposing the meat to the SPOILING effects of air!
I am already neurotic about the expiration dates of foods. I usually throw food out 2 days before their end dates. (3 days for milk). I am not even sure how to adjust expiration dates to account for possible "air spoilage" from bag leakage.

Am I insane?

Klutz

According to Wikipedia, the definition of Klutz:

A person who is clumsy, foolish, inept, or accident-prone. The term is perhaps derived from the Yiddish klots ('wooden beam'), cognate with the German klotz, meaning a "block" or "lump".

Definition according to me:

One who takes his own tennis racquet and swings a powerful forehand and smacks his own jaw.
Can you imagine? I didn't even THINK it was possible to do such a thing.



I am a klutz.

"Due to Unusual Call Volume....."

Does any company think we actually buy that crap? The new DEFAULT voice mail message for corporate America is

"Due to unusual call volume you may experience a longer than usual hold time blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!"

What a waste of time... Are they trying to piss us off further? When was the last time you called customer service and actually got a human being right off the bat? What really gets me is the bigger the company...The more annoying the customer service. Today was the worst. I had to call my health care provider because I got an email saying they were going to stop my coverage unless I contacted them IMMEDIATELY. I was so panicked I forgot to flush the toilet in a frantic attempt to get to the phone. I dialed and prepared myself for what I knew was inevitable....A minimum 30 minute session in hell....

"Did you know that you can access your account online and get answers to frequently asked questions blah blah BLAH blah BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!"


"Please say or choose from the following options......"
I DON'T LIKE ANY OF YOUR OPTIONS....HOW DO I BYPASS THIS NINE STEP PROGRAM TO GO DIRECTLY TO "INDIRA" THE FRIENDLY INDIAN VOICE THAT WOULD ACTUALLY TRY TO HELP ME IF SHE UNDERSTOOD THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE????" (Hello this is Indira, how can I help you? Do you have your account number? No? How about the name of your second favorite pet who is no longer living?)

"I did not understand your command....please repeat"

G-d forbid you happen to make a mistake during STEP 6 and you hear...

"I did not understand....goodbye".


It's over. Just like that. No recourse whatsoever.

Only thing left to do...start the whole process again....

"Due to unusual call volume......"


Insanity.

Feelings....Nothing More Than Feelings...

Every once in a while I feel something. Like...an emotion. Even if it is fleeting, it's good to know that I still have the capacity to feel.