Monday, April 23, 2007

The card wallet

I am jealous of guys who can use a simple card wallet like this one pictured. I envy guys with small ones.
I guess when it comes to wallets I would be considered a reverse size queen.

I have always chosen wallets that are big and bulky because there is just too much baggage I need to have around me at all times. I hate it. I wish I was one of those laissez faire types that didn't feel the need to have his "AMC Movie Watcher" card with him 24/7 but this simply isn't the case. I mean, you never know when you want to pull over and see a movie...right?

In Starbucks speak, my wallet would be classified as a "venti" for sure. When I put it in my back pocket it is so big my left ass cheek looks swollen. I look deformed. I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being! Sometimes people think I have a pack of cigarettes there and mistake me for a smoker. Can you imagine that? Me, the health nut mistaken for a smoker. Not that there is anything wrong with smokers.... except...the smoke.

A card wallet would fit perfectly in the "scaled down" way I would like to live my life. I am always looking for new ways to make things simpler for myself. Here is an example- A couple of months ago I became overwhelmed with the all the clutter building up in my home office. I took piles and piles of papers that were scattered all over my desk and on top of file cabinets and on the floor and simply threw everything in the trash at one fell swoop. It was liberating! What a release! The funny thing is here I am sitting in my clutter-free home office a couple of months later and I am not missing a thing!
Well this is not entirely true since it seems that along with everything else, I threw out my passport and now I can't go to Toronto next month and play tennis like I had planned.
Oh well...but at least my office is neat.

My friend Anthony has a card wallet. When the two of us are in a restaurant I will conveniently slip out of sight at the sight of a bill for two reasons. First off, I am cheap I like the feeling of being taken out. Second, I admire from a distance the way he whips out his sleek card wallet to remove cool cash to pay for our meals. So simple. When he places the slim wallet back in his front pocket it is hardly noticable to the human eye and does not take away from his non bulge elsewhere. Amazing.

But the concept of "downsizing" to accommodate the card wallet is too much for me. How do you make it day to day with just the couple of items to put in a card wallet? Guys with card wallets carry their license, cash, health insurance card and....that's about it.

What about everything else? What about all the other necessities?
What about your Starbucks card? I don't think I could make it past 8am without that one.
A Bloomies card? I don't know about you but I think I would feel naked without this on me.
A Planet Smoothie "Frequent Sipper" card...?
I carry the UPROMISE card with me at all times because a percent of the purchases made with the card go towards paying for my little nieces college education. I would feel awful if the girls couldn't go to college simply because I chose to use a card wallet instead of a venti.
Don't guys with card wallets have nieces like I do?
An ABC liquor card. Ok I could probably lose that one since I don't really drink.
Oh yeah what about this one....
An organ donor card. Is someone going to do without a spleen simply because someone else didn't want an unsightly bulging left ass cheek?

I suppose guys with card wallets have some kind of transport system that makes working with them more manageable. I figure that a guy treats the card wallet like a "satellite" and probably has a "mother ship" wallet somewhere else. Maybe in the car. This way he could add and subtract from the card wallet as he sees fit.
Put in your gym membership card, take out your Barnes and Noble card...and so on and so on. But surely it isn't safe or smart leaving your belongings in the car like that. Plus the "mother ship" concept takes away from the whole idea of simplifying your life...doesn't it?

Finally, there is the matter of cash. The slit in a card wallet is really too small to hold more than a couple of bills in my opinion. This would be the deal breaker for me.
What if I was in a rush and wanted to get a 59 cent cookie at 7/11 and all I had in my card wallet was a twenty dollar bill? I couldn't imagine trying to stuff all the change I would get back in that little slit. It would be embarrassing. Do I have to run around 7/11 frantically searching to find other items to purchase to avoid getting back a lot of bills?
No...I would probably become exasperated and say to the 7/11 lady, "Look, keep the change...please. As you can see I am trying to simplify my life with this card wallet and all this change does not fit into my new lifestyle."

The more I think about it, the more I am certain I am not cut out for a card wallet.


dbv said...

Thin is "IN"!!! lol...

2 cards, driver's license, & cash held together with a ponytail holder left over from last year when i had long hair... great meeting you!!

Steven said...

I'm buying new pants all the time because of my wallet. Once I start seeing the outline of the wallet on the pocket, it's time to buy new ones. I tried the trick of alternating back pockets with my wallet, but the day I put it in my back right pocket (I'm a southpaw), I nearly had a heart attack thinking I lost my wallet after reaching for my back left pocket.

I never carry one credit card. I say to myself, "What if I lose it? I'll still have 3 others."

And the last thing I need to enroll in is "paying by fingerprint" that they have at the grocery store. Knowing me, I'd get a cut and the print would be unrecognizable. :-(

sorted lives said...

I am with David. It is the only way to go! Those of you with George Castanza wallets dont know the freedom of carrying something so compact. Have a great week!

MiKell said...

Finally. I now understand the creepy "taking pictures of wallets" thing on Saturday.

And you were certainly enamored with the "big, thick" ones.

Lewis said...

So, here's the deal. First, never ever keep a fat wallet in your back pocket....not cool. And not gay. Gotta show off the ass.
Secondly, just keep the debit card in it and a couple hundred dollar bills. That should cover most of your needs for the day. You can do it....I know you can. Hope to see you Wednesday!

Anonymous said...

You should consider shifting your bulk from your wallet to your key chain. For instance, your Barnes & Noble card, Upromise card, Starbucks card, and even some Mastercards all come in handy one by half inch key ring tabs.

So in effect, your upgrading from George Constanza to Schneider from "One Day at a Time", which, in my opinion, is a bit of an upgrade.

Plus, you have the added advantage of having your life totally ruined if your king rey gets stolen.

altmike said...

david you are just too wildly eccentric. Love it!
steven...fingerprinting...all for it. I like facepainting too btw.
Sorted- I was definitely jealous of your card wallet.
Mikell- I have been fixated with wallets (can you tell?) I didn't realize how freaky that must have been to the casual observer. Well now that you are getting to know me better you see how I operate.
Lewis- some twinks need big fat wallets to help us find their asses.
Anon- Can you really get a key chain sized Starbucks card? For real???

Bobby said...

Wallet Contents:

Metrocard in outside slot

Amex, Visa, & Debit inside flaps

$73 on money hook in middle

DL on inside clear flap

Regal & AMC Movie Watcher in on flap and Insurance & Prescription card in other outside flap

Total contents take up 1/2 to 3/4 inch

Anonymous said...

Starbuck's key fobs- I have seen one. Does anyone know the genesis of the word 'fob'...does it stand for 'for our...bookstore cards' or is it a word that just 'labradoodle' or 'zesty'.

one3y3 said...

I'm with ya. I want a slimmed down wallet but have too much crap in mine "just in case" I need it. Instead of a bulge on my ass, I now have one in my front pocket since I switched where I put my wallet.

Not that bulges in front pockets are necessarily bad things....

Kendall said...

Take the plunge, it is liberating! I never thought I would say this, but in some cases smaller is better.

Kevin said...

I have the same problem. Even when I slim down my wallet, it manages to somehow regrow.

That's what I like about cargo shorts -- it goes in one of those oversized pockets, and doesn't mess up the lines of anything.

J.P. said...

Maybe you could find a middle path...not Venti but not the card wallet either. Say NO to the ABC Liquer card.

Thanks for stopping by my blog, too.


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