Tuesday, July 10, 2007

from the alt>vault --- The Credit Card Wallet

Originally posted of 4/28/07:

I am jealous of guys who can use a simple card wallet like this one pictured. I envy guys with small ones.
I guess when it comes to wallets I would be considered a reverse size queen.

I have always chosen wallets that are big and bulky because there is just too much baggage I need to have around me at all times. I hate it. I wish I was one of those laissez faire types that could care less whether or not he has his "AMC Movie Watcher" card with him 24/7 but this simply isn't the case.
I mean, you never know when you want to pull over and see a movie...right?
I know, it's a sickness.

In Starbucks speak, my wallet would be classified as a "venti" for sure. When I put it in my back pocket it is so big my left ass cheek looks swollen. I look deformed.
I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being!
Sometimes people think I have a pack of cigarettes there and mistake me for a smoker. Can you imagine that? Me, the health nut mistaken for a smoker.
Not that there is anything wrong with smokers.... except...the smoke.

My friend Anthony has a card wallet. When the two of us are in a restaurant I will conveniently slip out of sight at the sight of a bill for two reasons. First off, I am cheap I like the feeling of being taken out. Second, I admire from a distance the way he whips out his sleek card wallet to remove cool cash to pay for our meals. So simple. When he places the slim wallet back in his front pocket it is hardly noticeable to the human eye and does not take away from his non bulge elsewhere. Amazing.

The concept of "downsizing" to accommodate the card wallet is too much for me. How do you make it day to day with just the couple of items to put in a card wallet? Guys with card wallets carry their license, cash, health insurance card and....that's about it.

What about everything else? What about all the other necessities?
What about your Starbucks card? I don't think I could make it past 8am without that one.
I carry the UPROMISE card with me at all times because a percent of the purchases made with the card go towards paying for my little nieces college education. I would feel awful if the girls couldn't go to college simply because I chose to use a card wallet instead of a "venti".
Don't guys with card wallets have nieces like I do?
Oh and what about this one....
An organ donor card.
Is someone going to do without a spleen simply because someone else (me) didn't want an unsightly bulging left ass cheek?

I suppose guys with card wallets have some kind of transport system that makes working with them more manageable. I figure that a guy treats the card wallet like a "satellite" and probably has a "mother ship" wallet somewhere else. Maybe in the car. This way he could add and subtract from the card wallet as he sees fit.
Put in your gym membership card, take out your Barnes and Noble card...and so on and so on. But surely it isn't safe or smart leaving your belongings in the car like that. Plus the "mother ship" concept takes away from the whole idea of simplifying your life...doesn't it?

Finally, there is the matter of cash. The slit in a card wallet is really too small to hold more than a couple of bills in my opinion. This would be the deal breaker for me.
What if I was in a rush and wanted to get a 59 cent cookie at 7/11 and all I had in my card wallet was a twenty dollar bill? I couldn't imagine trying to stuff all the change I would get back in that little slit. It would be embarrassing. Do I have to run around 7/11 frantically searching to find other items to purchase to avoid getting back a lot of bills?
No...I would probably become exasperated and say to the 7/11 lady, "Look, keep the change...please. As you can see I am trying to simplify my life with this card wallet and all this change does not fit into my new lifestyle."

The more I think about it, the more I am certain I am not cut out for a card wallet.
Perhaps a money clip?

UPDATE: Since I wrote this I have unsuccessfully tried to use 2 different credit card wallets. I gave up on them and have been trying to work with money clips. The verdict is out.


Lewis said...

There's just nothing like ruining a perfectly good ass with a wallet.

Doug said...

Nothing wrong with a venti wallet. Just put it in your front pocket. ;)

I use a card wallet. I carry my insurance and health insurance cards, drivers license, 2 credit cards, and my Barnes & Noble card, though I rarely use it. Old habits die hard, as you know.

Kevin said...

That's why I love cargo shorts -- I can put my bulky wallet in there and not have to sit on it. Of course, it does swing back and forth, slapping me in the leg.


one3y3 said...

I made the transition from the bulky tri-fold wallet to a credit card one. I have to say, it nicely fits into my front pocket when I don't have much cash on me. However, if I have more than 10 bills shoved into the middle slot, it starts feeling bulky.

dbv said...

i'm still all about the old pony tail holder!!!

Spider said...

I am a card wallet man - and a cash only man. There are other hard things I would rather sit on than a wallet!

Hugh said...

I gave up after trying at least a half dozen "wallet alternatives" such as the smaller "card wallet" & gave each several months use. They were worthless--although now I switched to a simple bi-fold leather wallet (just credit card slots and a divided bill compartment) made of "washed leather" quite soft and malleable. It works well, and my girlfriend commented that she liked its masculine character!

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