Andy Roddick

Airbrushed:


Had to laugh when I saw the story of tennis star Andy Roddick, this Men's Fitness cover, and the obvious airbrush job on his guns....which he openly admits.


Just to clarify....
You can play tennis and have big guns.



Not airbrushed:


I'm just sayin'...

My Homeland Security Giant Fantasy

The state of the nation is such that I feel.. lost. Alone. Unsure.
First, the war.
Now, Rosie leaving "The View".
It is all too much.

I want to feel safe.
I want to feel secure.

Therefore, I want a 6 foot 3 or taller person to lay on top of me.

Is that so wrong?

I want to be face down. I want to be enveloped by my giant's bigness.
This is not about sex, it is about security. If you want sex go here or here.

In fact, I would prefer my giant to remain fully clothed.
My giant could be straight or gay.
My giant could be a man or a woman, but it will probably end up being a man because I want my giant to be all natural, no steroids and I know how hard it is to find a good natural amazon woman these days.

Frankly, I haven't had the best of luck finding interested candidates for the position of "homeland giant". I noticed a new guy at work last week ...probably 30 years old or so. He looked promising. When he got up to go the water cooler I ran over to him and asked him how tall he was. He said 6 foot 5. Bingo. I welcomed this 6 foot 5 co-worker to the office. I then asked this 6 foot 5 co-worker if he would consider laying on top of me. I told him all the specifics of my request. He first laughed, and when I didn't laugh back he looked...confused. Confusion led to an awkward uncomfortableness. He declined my request and said that the best he could do was "friend" me on myspace. He slowly backed away looking directly at me. He didn't blink...I noticed that. He never turned around as if he didn't want to take his gaze off of me. What was he afraid of? Later I would learn that my 6 foot 5 co-worker was recently married. He was a newlywed just back from his honeymoon. I certainly would have had his bride "sign off on everything. I would have had her sign a permission slip like we had in grade school. It would have said something like:
"I (so and so) give permission for my husband (6 foot 5 co-worker) to lay on top of (me) for a period of time not to exceed 3 hours."
I would have certainly done this if it would have made the 6 foot 5 co-worker more comfortable.

I then thought maybe I could find my 6 foot 3 or taller giant on the internet. I have been searching the blogosphere for a candidate and I think this one is the perfect physical specimen I require. After reading his blog it appears he may have some bladder issues that may destroy the fantasy I am trying to create. Actually, he seems just too damn intelligent and witty. He would most certainly want to engage in conversation and that would be a big problem.

You see, I don't want my giant to talk at all. Not one word.
I just want a massive lug to mount me (non sexually).
"Shhhhhhhhh my lug......don't speak".


So now I am reaching out to you...my faithful .alt>mike readers....
If you are taller than 6 foot 3 would you consider helping a shaky, neurotic Jewish man feel more safe and secure?

Here is how I envision my homeland security giant fantasy:

You come into my bedroom (not a word....not one) and I am already laying face down with my head turned to the left so I can watch TV.
You carefully lower yourself down on me so that every part of me is under the weight of your bigness. Be gentle, I am but a mere 5 foot 11 and weigh only 168.
The rest is simple-
Just lay there.
Don't do a thing.
You may breathe as long as it is rhythmic and soothing.
After a period of time, when I decide that I feel safe and secure, you will carefully lift yourself off of me. Make sure you press down on the bed to lift up, do not press down on me. Otherwise, you may crush my piano playing hands and my mother would never forgive you.
Then collect yourself and leave.

Oh.
Just one other small item.
I hope this is not a deal breaker.

When you are laying on top of me... I would like to be watching the Tennis Channel.
Ultimately, I would like to be watching one of the Grand Slam finals....like the French Open.
Please don't ask me to explain this but it is a small touch and would mean the world to me. Thank you.

If you are interested, or if you know someone that maybe interested please leave a comment or get in touch ASAP.

This may not solve the nation's homeland security issues, but I am completely confident that having a 6 foot 3 or taller giant laying on top of me will certainly help me feel more....grounded.

.alt>reality- Hands off!

There is nothing sexy about a groin pull.
If you are looking for titillation go somewhere else.


I pulled a muscle close to my groin when I did an unintentional Mary Lou Retton-esque split on a tennis court down in Ft Lauderdale a while back. At the time it just felt like a little tug. Nothing too painful and certainly not something that prevented me from continuing to play in the tournament (though certainly something I used conveniently as an excuse for not winning any matches).
A week later back home it didn't feel any better. It was a dull constant annoying pain that just didn't go away.
Is there anything less appetizing than a Jewish man whining
"My groin hurts!"? I was losing friends right and left so I had to do something fast.
After some self diagnosing using modern medical techniques (google) I determined that I didn't have a hernia but it was indeed a strained muscle of the gluteous groineous (I made this up).


Who exactly do you go to when you have a groin pull?
My General Practitioner is like 85 years old. Call me nuts but I didn't want his cold hands giving me a feel up down there.
The only person I could trust with my groin would be my Chiropractor and good friend Dr. Brad who is like a brother to me. After all, it was yours truly who fixed him up ten years ago with another Doctor who became his hubby and life partner (and I figure by this time he has forgiven yours truly for possibly destroying his life).

On my first visit to his office, he pressed down into the injured area and made me squeal like a girl. His prescription? A number of ultrasonic therapy sessions where I would disrobe to my underwear. The process was simple enough. He would coat my groin with goo (it rubs the lotion on it's skin) and then move this metal ultras sonic thingy close to my thingy.
There was nothing sexy about this. In fact, my groin region was so tender that even this small motion was so painful I thought my pee pee was going to sink into itself and become a "mangina".

The only saving grace in this was the ever-so-brief acknowledgement by Dr. Brad about my colorful C-in2 underwear. This made my day. Don't laugh.
It's the little things that make life bearable for someone living with a groin pull.

I figured that I was good to go for at least 16 sessions of treatment. Partly because that was about how much my insurance would cover, and partly because I had only 16 pairs of self rated "Class AAA" boxer briefs and these would be the only ones I would let anyone see me in.
If treatment had to continue past 16 sessions I would have to start wearing "reruns". This would be totally out of the question. Even if I had to limp my groin-pulled ass into Bloomingdale's and pay full retail I would not be seen in the same pair of Aussie Bum's twice. It didn't matter that Doctor Brad could care less or that he was probably at this point thinking that I was a lunatic.
For me it's a pride thing.

Luckily for me therapy ended long before I was in danger of exhausting my stash of top flight trunks because Dr. Brad is that good of a Chiropractor.

Gosh get me talking about underwear and get completely off the subject.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about my groin pull.
Groin pulls suck, really they do.
I could go on and on about the major inconveniences you face with little everyday tasks like getting in and out of a car and going up and down a flight of stairs blah, blah, blah but why bore you to tears?

However.

Just in case you are wondering whether or not I was able to enjoy myself at all during this God awful groin pull experience the answer is a (not-so) BIG FAT NO!

Which just goes to show you.

Not every touching story has a happy ending.

My inalienable right to win- Part 2

My tournament- the revelation.

Wow it felt good to win. I really got emotional and all I did was win a couple of matches. Made it worth every difficult step it took to get to where I was in those glorious moments. Up until this weekend I never quite understood what others have told me about competing in tennis- Regardless of skill and ability, you have to allow yourself to win. You must deem yourself worthy of winning.

What exactly did that mean? Who wouldn't be open to the idea of winning? Who wouldn't allow themselves to experience that exhilarating feeling? Sounds destructive.
Looking back it makes total sense now.

Until recently, I found myself doling out a batch of excuses I have used all too well to my disadvantage in this game-
I only started playing this sport two years ago and prior to that I had never picked up a racquet.
I am 47 years old.
Most of the guys I play are much younger and have played since they were children.
Did I mention that I am prone to tendinitis?
Or that I have adult A.D.D?
Oh and I can't serve into the sun because my eyes are super sensitive to light.

Hiding behind the shadow of a "cop out" made it far too easy to avoid exercising my inalienable right to win.

Until recently I had set up most of my practice matches exclusively with players much better than me. This made losing more comfortable. After all, it was unrealistic to think that I could win against these players and sure enough I lost ever single time. Playing with those who possess a greater skill level has its advantages, but these last couple of weeks I have found it much more challenging and ultimately more fulfilling to play matches with those at my level.

Imagine that?
Me...setting up unrealistic expectations.
Me....Avoiding those that might be considered challenging and my equal.

Have I been open to the idea of winning?
Am I open to to the idea of winning?

I think I enjoy tennis so much because the lessons learned on the court help me with what I need to work on off the court.

It is far less painful to set yourself up to lose than to allow yourself to go through the agonizing process of trying to win.

And so it is in tennis...
and other more important games.

My inalienable right to win- Part 1

NO I did not win the championship. Not even close.
But, I did win matches.

The tournament- the fun stuff

This was the 4th GLTA tournament I have played in my life, and the second playing in the "C" division. I won my first two tournament matches ever- singles in two sets 6-3, 6-4. and doubles 6-3, 3-6, 10-7 tiebreaker. This was a huge improvement over my play just weeks ago at the Clay Court Classic in Fort Lauderdale which at the time inspired me to write this.
Also important-
I looked good. No let me emphasize I looked real good. I strutted into the tennis facility with the cool confidence of a pro wearing my Adidas outfit from head to toe. I could almost hear my imaginary handlers yelling,
"No pictures! PLEASE, no pictures!".

Here are the funniest moments/highlights of the weekend for me-

• It seems everyone who plays tennis in the GLTA is named Michael.
• My Doubles partner (Michael) is the quietest, nicest guy - and from what I learned this weekend, apparently very strong. We have been playing together for a couple of months now and we are a pretty good combination. I am a little crazy, he is a little dry, and we are both lefties which has the potential of driving our opponents nuts. Anyway, when we won our doubles match which was my first win....I was so taken with the moment that I ran to him and jumped into his arms, wrapped my legs around him right there on the court. I couldn't help myself I was so happy. I wouldn't let go and he actually walked me over to the net where I shook the hands of the guys we beat while he was holding me up. I laid my head on his shoulder and he had no choice other than to walk me off the court. His deadpan response? "Hmmmm...that was different."
• After that I went into the locker room to get ready for my singles match I ran into another Adidas clothing whore (Michael) from Virginia. He looked at what I was wearing and said "Well, I tried on that outfit you are wearing but I kind of thought the coordinating stripes on the shirt and shorts were just too much." I couldn't help myself and fired back "Yes, I can see why you had second thoughts. You really need to be slim and athletic in order to make this outfit work." Bitchy, I know.
• Day two was a much cooler weather wise. I decided to wear UnderArmour instead of Adidas because the fabric is thicker and warmer. Surely no one would notice. Wrong! On a changeover in between games during one of my matches, a cute player from Toronto (Michael) who was watching me yelled out "Hey you're not wearing Adidas! Aren't you going to lose your endorsement?" I guess he had been keeping up with my blog. Who knew I had loyal readers a loyal reader in Canada?
• It is hysterical concept that you only want to rip the eyes out of your opponent as you are playing them until they happen to beat you. Then, all of a sudden you become their biggest cheerleader and want them to go all the way and win the championship so you can feel better about losing to them.
  
• I was really touched that sexy actorschmactor wrote an adorable little blog entry wishing me luck. He actually came out with the hopes of seeing me play on day two....even though he was a little late to the party and I had already lost. But, it is the thought that counts and I really appreciate all the nice comments and well wishes from him and everyone else.

Next post- The revelation.

.alt> racquets and balls

Playing my tournament...

Hopefully, you won't hear from me until Sunday night :)

Have a great weekend y'all....

.alt>fashion- Adidas will be endorsing me

In my dreams.
However, I will wearing Adidas products from head to toe when I play in my tournament this coming weekend. One thing I learned at the Sony Ericsson Open last week in Miami is that Adidas is the shit! They sponsor most of the hot players (including Novak Djokovic the men's champion) and they absolutely blow Nike and everyone else out of the water. I cannot believe how hideous the new Nike tennis fashions are.

Anyway just in case you were interested I wanted to show you what I will be competing in. Most who witness my tennis game might say that I should concentrate more on my serve instead of the color of my shorts. But then again they probably haven't read this.
Even if I can't get the ball over the net I will be stylin' and smilin' because I will be wearing the "Response Line" inspired by Andre Agassi. It is so "me"- a somewhat mature look (but not without flair). So what do you think? You like????
I can't stand collared shirts. Frankly I would prefer to play sleeveless or shirtless to show off these. But since this is a tournament, as a compromise I will wear a tee shirt. I thought that this shirt was just a bit classier than most everything out there. It is black with a white and lavender stripe down the front and the Adidas signature 3 stripe bar on the sleeves.

The shorts coordinate as you can see (can you see the stripes on the bottom corner of the shorts? Pretty cool, huh?), and I have to tell you the stripes on the front of the shorts and the shirt look pretty dapper when you put the two on together.
For day 2 of the tourney I will be wearing the same exact outfit....only in white- with black and lavender stripes.
The sneakers are one of styles of the Adidas Barracades. Kind of strange but I am going with navy blue/white sneaks which I picked up at the Adidas outlet here in Orlando even though black would be the obvious choice. The navy in the shoes is kind of between the black and lavender in the shirt and I really like the way it looks. Black would be just too predictable and I certainly don't want this to look like a uniform! Sidenote: Adidas.com could not guarentee that the black barracades would arrive prior to my tournament so all of a sudden the dark blue ones looked great.

For my cap and wristbands I am going with the .alt>ernative Adidas stripe pattern.... looks like a pyramid. Why? Because I am .alt>mike! I have every Adidas style of socks known to mankind and I am not sure which ones I will end of wearing but they will be of the low ankle variety like these as opposed to the higher which I just don't like the feel and the marks they leave on your legs after your match and you put on your flip flops...

OK I will shut up now....the Monday Mashup will be up in a little while and you will see what happens when Aerosmith gets promiscuous.

.alt> view- Sony Ericsson Open

I can't quite put my finger on all of the reasons why I love going to tennis championships like the Sony Ericsson Open which I attended this past weekend. Could it be the fact that you can really get up close to professionals...and really observe their form? Or maybe it's just the coolness of walking around and seeing tennis idols just hanging about amongst the crowd....kicking back and enjoying themselves between their own matches.
A tournament like this one has many matches going on at the same time. The top players like Roger Federer and Maria Sharapova might be playing in the big "stadium" while others play in smaller venues. You can just walk around and go in and out of matches as you see fit. At the same time players that go on later in the day can be warming up on the many practice courts spread out throughout the grounds. This really is a treat because you can be as close as ten feet away from the greatest names in tennis. These folks can really smack the ball. You get a sense of both the grace and the power of the professionals when you are just steps away from them.
While a lot of my friends chose to sit in the stadium and watch the big guns like Andy Roddick, I preferred to stay at the courts where I could get up close or watch the practices. My favorite players are the up and comers who just don't have the name recognition (yet) like Nicholas Almagro from Spain and
Shahar Pe'er from Israel. Yes Israel! A funny little side note is that you can always figure out where Shahar is playing because every time she loses a point you hear one or two stray "Oy vays!" screamed out from the bleachers. I felt a little tinge of Jewish guilt when I left her match early to check out Nicolas.
Which leads me to a unique aspect of this tournament in particular. Being in Miami there is a wonderful international flavor as people from all over the world come to root for players from their own country. It really is a lot of fun.

Anyway, I will stop boring you with my thoughts and these darn pictures but I am just all psyched about tennis right now. This tournament gets me excited about playing and I came back and smacked the ball harder than I have been doing so I am getting myself in the right frame of mind for the tournament I will be playing in a couple of weeks....

.alt> travel- Sony Ericsson Open

I am down in Miami (actually Key Biscayne) until Monday at the 2007 Sony Ericsson Open Tennis Championships back on Monday with pictures of the biggest stars in tennis.

Also on Monday...

What happens if Billy Idol turns Pink?

I will have another mashup for you.

Hope you are having a great weekend. Cheers.

Did You Have Fun?

I have been playing my first Clay Court Tennis Tournament in Fort Lauderdale this weekend. Being relatively new to tournament play there are some "social rules" of the game that I am still learning.
For example, when you meet up with someone after one of their matches you should never ever ask "Did you win?" unless you are certain this player has won. Otherwise, there is a strong chance that this person lost (remember 1 out of 2 players lose). If your friend lost you might as well insert your foot in your mouth.
A better way to broach the subject is to ask "Did you play well?". This way, as the saying goes, it's not all about winning....it is about how you played the game. Plus if this person won their match they can be the one who tells you the good news.

Finally, there is the dreaded "Did you have fun?". This line is reserved for those players who you are pretty sure lost their match and you don't even want to bring up the win/lose thing at all. Your goal here is to get in and out of the conversation quickly so that you can move on to pressing items like dinner plans.

Just in case you are wondering how I did in Fort Lauderdale.....

I had fun. I had a shitload of fun. Thanks for asking.

Carlos and Me

I play tennis with my friend Carlos all the time. When we play doubles we play with each other as well as against each other with other partners. Carlos is a fantastic player and very smart without a bad bone in his body. However.....
One of his strategies is to whack the opponent who is playing at the net with a hard dead on ball to kind of put him off balance for the rest of the set. It usually works.
But when I am on the net playing against Carlos, he never hits me....
Is it because...I am his friend?
Or is it because I suck so much he doesn't think I am worth hitting?
I kind of wish he would hit me.
Am I a masochist?

Klutz

According to Wikipedia, the definition of Klutz:

A person who is clumsy, foolish, inept, or accident-prone. The term is perhaps derived from the Yiddish klots ('wooden beam'), cognate with the German klotz, meaning a "block" or "lump".

Definition according to me:

One who takes his own tennis racquet and swings a powerful forehand and smacks his own jaw.
Can you imagine? I didn't even THINK it was possible to do such a thing.



I am a klutz.