Tuesday, July 10, 2007

from the alt>vault --- The Credit Card Wallet

Originally posted of 4/28/07:

I am jealous of guys who can use a simple card wallet like this one pictured. I envy guys with small ones.
I guess when it comes to wallets I would be considered a reverse size queen.

I have always chosen wallets that are big and bulky because there is just too much baggage I need to have around me at all times. I hate it. I wish I was one of those laissez faire types that could care less whether or not he has his "AMC Movie Watcher" card with him 24/7 but this simply isn't the case.
I mean, you never know when you want to pull over and see a movie...right?
I know, it's a sickness.

In Starbucks speak, my wallet would be classified as a "venti" for sure. When I put it in my back pocket it is so big my left ass cheek looks swollen. I look deformed.
I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being!
Sometimes people think I have a pack of cigarettes there and mistake me for a smoker. Can you imagine that? Me, the health nut mistaken for a smoker.
Not that there is anything wrong with smokers.... except...the smoke.

My friend Anthony has a card wallet. When the two of us are in a restaurant I will conveniently slip out of sight at the sight of a bill for two reasons. First off, I am cheap I like the feeling of being taken out. Second, I admire from a distance the way he whips out his sleek card wallet to remove cool cash to pay for our meals. So simple. When he places the slim wallet back in his front pocket it is hardly noticeable to the human eye and does not take away from his non bulge elsewhere. Amazing.

The concept of "downsizing" to accommodate the card wallet is too much for me. How do you make it day to day with just the couple of items to put in a card wallet? Guys with card wallets carry their license, cash, health insurance card and....that's about it.

What about everything else? What about all the other necessities?
What about your Starbucks card? I don't think I could make it past 8am without that one.
I carry the UPROMISE card with me at all times because a percent of the purchases made with the card go towards paying for my little nieces college education. I would feel awful if the girls couldn't go to college simply because I chose to use a card wallet instead of a "venti".
Don't guys with card wallets have nieces like I do?
Oh and what about this one....
An organ donor card.
Is someone going to do without a spleen simply because someone else (me) didn't want an unsightly bulging left ass cheek?

I suppose guys with card wallets have some kind of transport system that makes working with them more manageable. I figure that a guy treats the card wallet like a "satellite" and probably has a "mother ship" wallet somewhere else. Maybe in the car. This way he could add and subtract from the card wallet as he sees fit.
Put in your gym membership card, take out your Barnes and Noble card...and so on and so on. But surely it isn't safe or smart leaving your belongings in the car like that. Plus the "mother ship" concept takes away from the whole idea of simplifying your life...doesn't it?

Finally, there is the matter of cash. The slit in a card wallet is really too small to hold more than a couple of bills in my opinion. This would be the deal breaker for me.
What if I was in a rush and wanted to get a 59 cent cookie at 7/11 and all I had in my card wallet was a twenty dollar bill? I couldn't imagine trying to stuff all the change I would get back in that little slit. It would be embarrassing. Do I have to run around 7/11 frantically searching to find other items to purchase to avoid getting back a lot of bills?
No...I would probably become exasperated and say to the 7/11 lady, "Look, keep the change...please. As you can see I am trying to simplify my life with this card wallet and all this change does not fit into my new lifestyle."

The more I think about it, the more I am certain I am not cut out for a card wallet.
Perhaps a money clip?

UPDATE: Since I wrote this I have unsuccessfully tried to use 2 different credit card wallets. I gave up on them and have been trying to work with money clips. The verdict is out.

Monday, July 09, 2007

from the alt>vault --- Razor Blades! A rant!

Hey there. Remember me?

alt>mike returns with new posts next week...

In the meantime I am revisiting some of the crowd favorites from the alt>vault all week long.... Look back and re-read and remember the good times...
you'll laugh...
you'll cry....

This post originally from March of this year....


I cannot believe how much money I am spending on razor blades. Why isn't there a revolt? I wake up each morning hoping that some hairy bear somewhere has put together a boycott asking us to forgo shaving for a month to display our disapproval over the price of these absurd items. Twelve Mach 3 blades cost me $22.99. Insanity. Each blade is only good on my heavy beard for two shaves before I have to replace.
And this whole business of multiple blades. Can you even find a package of single blade cartridges anywhere? I don't know about you but as a "manscaper" I find it a bit "edgy" using 3 blades...down....there.
If you happen to be the one guy that is still shaving with a single edge let me offer you a simple piece of advice. Don't start experimenting with multiple edges like the Mach 3 or the Quattro. If you do you will never come back. Single edges will just not "cut it" anymore.
Basically, something happens to your beard and it becomes spoiled and demanding- resistant to anything but multiple sharp edged expensive blades.
As for the razor companies it's really just Gillette and Schick. Damn them. So close to a monopoly. Not fair. They control the pricing and we follow like sheep. Shouldn't there be price control guidelines for products we have to use every day? Stamps? Starbucks? Razors?
When Gillette has a new product they usually send suckers like me a sample razor in the mail and like a moron I try it out. A month ago I got this ridiculous "Fusion" blade sample that has a total of 6 sharp edges (5 on the blade plus a sixth side burn trimmer).
How exactly would you explain to aliens from another planet that you use a 5 bladed razor on your face?
It sounds stupid just typing it out.
Well of course the experience of using this blade has made my beard "immune" to all other razors that have come before it. I cannot get a close shave with anything other than the Fusion. I jumped from 3 edges to 5 edges....my beard actually "leapfrogged" over the Quattro (4 edges).
I don't think my beard likes even numbers.
The cost per Fusion blade is something like $3.50. Crazy!

I am sad to say that I have a feeling it will only get worse.
Where exactly will we be a year from now? 8 edges that will actually remove 3 layers of your skin when you shave?

I can almost see the sure to be "Saturday Night Live" skit where Andy Sanberg goes to shave but his skin is removed completely by the eight edged razor blade known as the "Oucho"....
Subscribe to: Posts (RSS)