Monday, April 16, 2007

.alt>reality- Hands off!

There is nothing sexy about a groin pull.
If you are looking for titillation go somewhere else.

I pulled a muscle close to my groin when I did an unintentional Mary Lou Retton-esque split on a tennis court down in Ft Lauderdale a while back. At the time it just felt like a little tug. Nothing too painful and certainly not something that prevented me from continuing to play in the tournament (though certainly something I used conveniently as an excuse for not winning any matches).
A week later back home it didn't feel any better. It was a dull constant annoying pain that just didn't go away.
Is there anything less appetizing than a Jewish man whining
"My groin hurts!"? I was losing friends right and left so I had to do something fast.
After some self diagnosing using modern medical techniques (google) I determined that I didn't have a hernia but it was indeed a strained muscle of the gluteous groineous (I made this up).

Who exactly do you go to when you have a groin pull?
My General Practitioner is like 85 years old. Call me nuts but I didn't want his cold hands giving me a feel up down there.
The only person I could trust with my groin would be my Chiropractor and good friend Dr. Brad who is like a brother to me. After all, it was yours truly who fixed him up ten years ago with another Doctor who became his hubby and life partner (and I figure by this time he has forgiven yours truly for possibly destroying his life).

On my first visit to his office, he pressed down into the injured area and made me squeal like a girl. His prescription? A number of ultrasonic therapy sessions where I would disrobe to my underwear. The process was simple enough. He would coat my groin with goo (it rubs the lotion on it's skin) and then move this metal ultras sonic thingy close to my thingy.
There was nothing sexy about this. In fact, my groin region was so tender that even this small motion was so painful I thought my pee pee was going to sink into itself and become a "mangina".

The only saving grace in this was the ever-so-brief acknowledgement by Dr. Brad about my colorful C-in2 underwear. This made my day. Don't laugh.
It's the little things that make life bearable for someone living with a groin pull.

I figured that I was good to go for at least 16 sessions of treatment. Partly because that was about how much my insurance would cover, and partly because I had only 16 pairs of self rated "Class AAA" boxer briefs and these would be the only ones I would let anyone see me in.
If treatment had to continue past 16 sessions I would have to start wearing "reruns". This would be totally out of the question. Even if I had to limp my groin-pulled ass into Bloomingdale's and pay full retail I would not be seen in the same pair of Aussie Bum's twice. It didn't matter that Doctor Brad could care less or that he was probably at this point thinking that I was a lunatic.
For me it's a pride thing.

Luckily for me therapy ended long before I was in danger of exhausting my stash of top flight trunks because Dr. Brad is that good of a Chiropractor.

Gosh get me talking about underwear and get completely off the subject.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about my groin pull.
Groin pulls suck, really they do.
I could go on and on about the major inconveniences you face with little everyday tasks like getting in and out of a car and going up and down a flight of stairs blah, blah, blah but why bore you to tears?


Just in case you are wondering whether or not I was able to enjoy myself at all during this God awful groin pull experience the answer is a (not-so) BIG FAT NO!

Which just goes to show you.

Not every touching story has a happy ending.


Kevin said...

A groin pull ... without a happy ending? :(

Personally I think you should have found someone to kiss it and make it better.

MiKell said...

Funniest Post Ever.

I'll leave the "If you need help with that..." comments to others.

Kendall said...

Using your calculations, I would have been good for 4 visits. I have underwear envy now!

dbv said...

ok, i'm way too jewish to think 2 doctors should be married!!! and i love the movie reference!!! lol!! too funny!!!

Dr. Brad said...

OK, so not only was it a fabulous groin pull, it was also clad in the best underwear I've ever seen. Except for that one pair that had that little pale yellow spot on it. Oh, did I forget to mention that before...? Maybe it was just part of the design.

Funny, funny, funny.

Dr. Sparky said...

"I did an unintentional Mary Lou Retton-esque split." Pictures! We need pictures!

And for the record, I would have massaged your affected area despite the underwear. I'm just that caring.

Glad you are feeling better! Here's hoping for that happy ending some time soon.

altmike said...

For the record Dr. Brad's comment is humorous but completely a lie! I am speaking of the "pale yellow spot"- NOT the part about being the best clad groin pull he has ever seen. I never wear white underwear and any "pale yellow spot" would most definitely not make it out of the laundry room. Embrace what you are dealing with here....a fanatic who actually handwashes his underwear.

Paul said...

Mike, let me picture this. Seriously.

Hand wash?

I really think actorschmactor had the best idea.

Sorted said...

Ahh, bless your heart!! Do you need someone to rub it and make it better? LOL

Bobby said...

Isn't Dr. Brad married to Blake? Is Blake a Doctor? I didn't know that... Or are we talking about a different Dr. Brad?

altmike said...

dbv- the kicker here is that the two Doctors are Jewish!
paul- that is a great picture however it's "too coordinated" for me. Besides who would pick a C=in2 plum brief when you can get a boxer brief?
Bobby- you are thinking about Dr. Dan not Dr. Brad. He is "the other" white meat.

Annette said...

What a truly horrible experience for you but a really funny story to read. Hope all is well down under.
Bobby's Mom

Steven said...

What a welcomed surprise that someone is interested in sports, particularly tennis. My mere mention of the word "sports" leads to stunned faces. Sorry I missed you on the 8th. Sorted filled me in on all the details. :-)
Don't do any massaging on the tennis court. One's "backhand" could lead to a default. Hope things improve quickly!

Spider said...

OUCH! Does remind me of the "Cheers" episode when Sam is a sports announcer and he does his little "rap" on having "a groin in-ju-ry I say a groin in-ju-ry..."

Oh well, guess you had to be there. Hope you are feeling better!

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