Monday, April 30, 2007

My Homeland Security Giant Fantasy

The state of the nation is such that I feel.. lost. Alone. Unsure.
First, the war.
Now, Rosie leaving "The View".
It is all too much.

I want to feel safe.
I want to feel secure.

Therefore, I want a 6 foot 3 or taller person to lay on top of me.

Is that so wrong?

I want to be face down. I want to be enveloped by my giant's bigness.
This is not about sex, it is about security. If you want sex go here or here.

In fact, I would prefer my giant to remain fully clothed.
My giant could be straight or gay.
My giant could be a man or a woman, but it will probably end up being a man because I want my giant to be all natural, no steroids and I know how hard it is to find a good natural amazon woman these days.

Frankly, I haven't had the best of luck finding interested candidates for the position of "homeland giant". I noticed a new guy at work last week ...probably 30 years old or so. He looked promising. When he got up to go the water cooler I ran over to him and asked him how tall he was. He said 6 foot 5. Bingo. I welcomed this 6 foot 5 co-worker to the office. I then asked this 6 foot 5 co-worker if he would consider laying on top of me. I told him all the specifics of my request. He first laughed, and when I didn't laugh back he looked...confused. Confusion led to an awkward uncomfortableness. He declined my request and said that the best he could do was "friend" me on myspace. He slowly backed away looking directly at me. He didn't blink...I noticed that. He never turned around as if he didn't want to take his gaze off of me. What was he afraid of? Later I would learn that my 6 foot 5 co-worker was recently married. He was a newlywed just back from his honeymoon. I certainly would have had his bride "sign off on everything. I would have had her sign a permission slip like we had in grade school. It would have said something like:
"I (so and so) give permission for my husband (6 foot 5 co-worker) to lay on top of (me) for a period of time not to exceed 3 hours."
I would have certainly done this if it would have made the 6 foot 5 co-worker more comfortable.

I then thought maybe I could find my 6 foot 3 or taller giant on the internet. I have been searching the blogosphere for a candidate and I think this one is the perfect physical specimen I require. After reading his blog it appears he may have some bladder issues that may destroy the fantasy I am trying to create. Actually, he seems just too damn intelligent and witty. He would most certainly want to engage in conversation and that would be a big problem.

You see, I don't want my giant to talk at all. Not one word.
I just want a massive lug to mount me (non sexually).
"Shhhhhhhhh my lug......don't speak".

So now I am reaching out to faithful .alt>mike readers....
If you are taller than 6 foot 3 would you consider helping a shaky, neurotic Jewish man feel more safe and secure?

Here is how I envision my homeland security giant fantasy:

You come into my bedroom (not a word....not one) and I am already laying face down with my head turned to the left so I can watch TV.
You carefully lower yourself down on me so that every part of me is under the weight of your bigness. Be gentle, I am but a mere 5 foot 11 and weigh only 168.
The rest is simple-
Just lay there.
Don't do a thing.
You may breathe as long as it is rhythmic and soothing.
After a period of time, when I decide that I feel safe and secure, you will carefully lift yourself off of me. Make sure you press down on the bed to lift up, do not press down on me. Otherwise, you may crush my piano playing hands and my mother would never forgive you.
Then collect yourself and leave.

Just one other small item.
I hope this is not a deal breaker.

When you are laying on top of me... I would like to be watching the Tennis Channel.
Ultimately, I would like to be watching one of the Grand Slam the French Open.
Please don't ask me to explain this but it is a small touch and would mean the world to me. Thank you.

If you are interested, or if you know someone that maybe interested please leave a comment or get in touch ASAP.

This may not solve the nation's homeland security issues, but I am completely confident that having a 6 foot 3 or taller giant laying on top of me will certainly help me feel more....grounded.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

.alt>idol- Lucky Bucky

Good Gawd Bucky! What the fucky!

When he was on American Idol I thought he was... kind of sucky.
Yet Bucky Covington is the latest American Idol NON winner to land a CD in Billboard's Top10. His self titled debut is "Bucky Covington" debuts at #4 on the Hot 200 album chart and debuts #1 on the country charts. You know how those country music fans are, they will listen and buy anything!

I guess it makes little difference whether you win or lose American Idol...the exposure helps you sell records. Wait I take that back. It seems it is better if you don't win American Idol. Case in point- winner Taylor Hicks. Remember him? Taylor is like the unwanted step child of AI. It is like the show is embarrassed about him. His album really didn't do much on the charts and can you even remember the name of his hit single? That was a trick question. Of course you can't! He hasn't had one. They didn't even let him perform during "Idol Gives Back" this week. Not very charitable.

Interesting fact-
At this point last year, there were nine Idol-related singles on the charts, including Bo’s “The Real Thing,” Kelly’s “Walk Away,” “Because of You,” and “Gone,” and Carrie’s “Jesus, Take the Wheel,” “Don’t Forget to Remember Me,” and “Before He Cheats.” George Huff (who?) and Josh Gracin also had singles on the charts.
This year, there are 16 singles, charting across nine different charts, a 43 percent increase.

Amazing. Not to mention all the artists who perform and mentor on the show and how the albums by the likes of Barry Manilow, Tony Bennett and Gwen Stefani see major sales spikes the week following their involvement on the show.

Which idolers are next on the horizon with new albums?
Well Kimberly Locke will be back May 1 with a new collection titled "Based on a True Story". Her single “Change”is already inching closer to the Top Ten on the Hot Adult Contemporary Tracks chart. It now sits at #11. There is a dance version of this song floating out in the clubs. My God did I dance to it and didn't realize it at the Parliament House two weeks ago? Go Kimberly! She is one of my fave alumnus.

Paris Bennett's Princess P follows on May 8.
After that it is Mandisa with her new single "Only One World" dropping on May 11, with the CD to follow on July 31.

And you know it's only a matter of time....
I can almost hear Sanjaya doing his vocal exercises...

Me, me me me MEEEEEEE!

Friday, April 27, 2007

.alt>rant and rave!

Spiderman 3.
Batman Returns 12.
Superman 7,000,000.

I am so over movie superheroes and the endless line of sequels.
I am so over everything.

The Rave!

7/11 has a new arrival. It's the white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie and you can find it along with the whole family of 7/11 cookies in the "bakery" that sits in the middle of each store. You grab a bag and pick n' choose and mix n' match the cookies you want.
It is surprising that Southland Corporation, the headquarters of 7/11, did not allow their number one cookie fan (me) a preview of the new arrival since I have been known to eat a couple of these gems from time to time.*
The white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie is not as good as their old faithful chocolate chip but light years better than the dreaded coconut pecan cookie. I only get that cookie if everything else is sold out. No chocolate chip, no oatmeal raisin, no peanut butter etc. The coconut pecan is like a tourniquet. To be used only at the last resort.

The good news is that 7/11 is making a big deal about the fact that these cookies have no trans fats- you know the stuff that we eat that we cant taste or understand but we are sure is killing us. They have rolled back the pricing so that a single cookie is now 49 cents instead of 59 cents. You get a discount based on the amount of cookies you purchase. I am usually good for 3, but since they no longer have trans fat what the hell I will start picking up four at a time.
How is that for rationalization?
Now instead of being filled with trans fat, I will just be.....fat.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Japan to the U.S.- "I'm King/Queen of the World

After reviewing information provided to me by the Research and Demographics Department here at .alt>, it appears that our "frequent users"(those who check out .alt>mike regularly) are comprised of two very distinctive "groups" of people. Without getting into too much detail or devulging propriatery information, I can sum it up this way....
There are them....and there is you.
My goal is to keep everyone happy and try to keep .alt>mike one of the fastest growing blog sites on the web.* So for this reason I have decided to post this entry regarding the rise of Japan at America's expense in two forms- I have one version of the post for them, and then another version of the post for you. Hopefully one of these versions will be effective in illustrating the point in a manner that you, our loyal reader, can relate. The versions are presented in no particular order. Here we go.

Alternative Version #1:

Japan is taking over the world! And I don't have a problem with that. Just a fact.

The magnitude, size and scope of the shift in power from the U.S to Japan is becoming evident. For the first time ever in history, Toyota sold more cars and trucks around the world than General Motors in the first quarter of 2007 according to this article from the New York Times.

Alternative version #2:

Japan is taking over the world! And I don't have a problem with that. Just a fact.

The magnitude, size and scope of the shift in power from the U.S to Japan is becoming evident. For the first time ever in history, Japan's ladies garnered both the Gold and Silver medals at the 2007 World Figure Skating Championships while the U.S. ladies could do no better than 4th and 9th place according to this article from the New York Times.

UPDATE! Apparently, some of my loyal readers may need guidance to help determine which version is right for them. If that is your case, leave a comment and I will do my best to help you figure it out.

Rosie leaving "The View"

Rosie will announce her resignation on today's "The View". This story was first brought to our attention by .alt>mike chief New York correspondent "Bobby In the City" this morning at 7am. Bobby may be old...but he still sharp as a tack.

Sad sad. I feel sad because I love Rosie and I feel sad because she just can't seem to settle down and enjoy the success.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

American Idol- Who will be eliminated this week?

No one.

Is American Idol going to eliminate someone tonight? Me thinks not. Big charity event, charity concert....they will probably announce that text messaging has also been "donated" by sponsor and everybody will feel good about themselves.

Particularly Lekisha who would have gone home tonight.

Monday, April 23, 2007

The card wallet

I am jealous of guys who can use a simple card wallet like this one pictured. I envy guys with small ones.
I guess when it comes to wallets I would be considered a reverse size queen.

I have always chosen wallets that are big and bulky because there is just too much baggage I need to have around me at all times. I hate it. I wish I was one of those laissez faire types that didn't feel the need to have his "AMC Movie Watcher" card with him 24/7 but this simply isn't the case. I mean, you never know when you want to pull over and see a movie...right?

In Starbucks speak, my wallet would be classified as a "venti" for sure. When I put it in my back pocket it is so big my left ass cheek looks swollen. I look deformed. I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being! Sometimes people think I have a pack of cigarettes there and mistake me for a smoker. Can you imagine that? Me, the health nut mistaken for a smoker. Not that there is anything wrong with smokers.... except...the smoke.

A card wallet would fit perfectly in the "scaled down" way I would like to live my life. I am always looking for new ways to make things simpler for myself. Here is an example- A couple of months ago I became overwhelmed with the all the clutter building up in my home office. I took piles and piles of papers that were scattered all over my desk and on top of file cabinets and on the floor and simply threw everything in the trash at one fell swoop. It was liberating! What a release! The funny thing is here I am sitting in my clutter-free home office a couple of months later and I am not missing a thing!
Well this is not entirely true since it seems that along with everything else, I threw out my passport and now I can't go to Toronto next month and play tennis like I had planned.
Oh well...but at least my office is neat.

My friend Anthony has a card wallet. When the two of us are in a restaurant I will conveniently slip out of sight at the sight of a bill for two reasons. First off, I am cheap I like the feeling of being taken out. Second, I admire from a distance the way he whips out his sleek card wallet to remove cool cash to pay for our meals. So simple. When he places the slim wallet back in his front pocket it is hardly noticable to the human eye and does not take away from his non bulge elsewhere. Amazing.

But the concept of "downsizing" to accommodate the card wallet is too much for me. How do you make it day to day with just the couple of items to put in a card wallet? Guys with card wallets carry their license, cash, health insurance card and....that's about it.

What about everything else? What about all the other necessities?
What about your Starbucks card? I don't think I could make it past 8am without that one.
A Bloomies card? I don't know about you but I think I would feel naked without this on me.
A Planet Smoothie "Frequent Sipper" card...?
I carry the UPROMISE card with me at all times because a percent of the purchases made with the card go towards paying for my little nieces college education. I would feel awful if the girls couldn't go to college simply because I chose to use a card wallet instead of a venti.
Don't guys with card wallets have nieces like I do?
An ABC liquor card. Ok I could probably lose that one since I don't really drink.
Oh yeah what about this one....
An organ donor card. Is someone going to do without a spleen simply because someone else didn't want an unsightly bulging left ass cheek?

I suppose guys with card wallets have some kind of transport system that makes working with them more manageable. I figure that a guy treats the card wallet like a "satellite" and probably has a "mother ship" wallet somewhere else. Maybe in the car. This way he could add and subtract from the card wallet as he sees fit.
Put in your gym membership card, take out your Barnes and Noble card...and so on and so on. But surely it isn't safe or smart leaving your belongings in the car like that. Plus the "mother ship" concept takes away from the whole idea of simplifying your life...doesn't it?

Finally, there is the matter of cash. The slit in a card wallet is really too small to hold more than a couple of bills in my opinion. This would be the deal breaker for me.
What if I was in a rush and wanted to get a 59 cent cookie at 7/11 and all I had in my card wallet was a twenty dollar bill? I couldn't imagine trying to stuff all the change I would get back in that little slit. It would be embarrassing. Do I have to run around 7/11 frantically searching to find other items to purchase to avoid getting back a lot of bills?
No...I would probably become exasperated and say to the 7/11 lady, "Look, keep the change...please. As you can see I am trying to simplify my life with this card wallet and all this change does not fit into my new lifestyle."

The more I think about it, the more I am certain I am not cut out for a card wallet.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

.alt>chatter- A Beautiful Day in NYC- THANK GOD

Phone conversation this morning with a too uptight New Yorker:

Friend from NYC
: It is sooooooo beautiful this weekend. It's going to be sunny and in the 70s again today!
Altmike: That's great.
Friend from NYC: You don't sound enthusiastic. Are you jealous?
Altmike: Um no I live in Florida. Remember? It is sunny and beautiful most of the time here so I guess I just take it for granted.
Altmike: you keep reminding me.

Friday, April 20, 2007

ALTernating channels- Rosie Gives Up

Say what you will about Rosie but I love her.
For me it was a very sad moment on "The View" when she basically threw her hands up the morning after the Virginia Tech massacre and said
"We will never have gun control in this country".

When Rosie gives up, it isn't a good.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The Spirit of Sanjaya

Grabbed an early dinner with a "Bunch of Bloggers" last night at this restaurant .
In attendance was Sorted, Mikell, Orlando's resident non-resident Lewis, and a new cat in our group Ctocity.

Hard to miss the irony considering what would be the fate of Sanjaya later in the evening.

Nan tara bhetuyaa  Sanjaya

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Sanjaya Strips

Last night was pretty dreadful on American Idol, though Jordin's performance was the best of the year.

1. Quote of the night. Ryan Seacrest "When were looking for a country mentor for tonight, there was only one choice....."
I was thinking to myself...."Dolly Parton! They got Dolly!...or Reba....or....George Strait....
I really didn't think Martina McBride qualifies as "there was only one choice" material. She does have beautiful eyes though.
Phil- Sounded ok but man he is so spooky.
Jordin. Hope y'all are with me now. This is the week she becomes the front runner.
Sanjaya- well, um....he looked great. Where do I get that bandanna thingy? Bottom 3 this week.
Lakisha- bottom 3 with a dreadful take on Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel".
Chris- Not sure what the song was. He definitely sounded country. I just don't think America will relate to him this week. Bottom 3. I think he realized that he was in trouble and started pandering to the audience regarding the VT massacre victims. Not appropriate. Simon was right for rolling his eyes...though his reaction will be misinterpreted for sure...and his attempt at "fixing" at the end of the show was awkward to say the least.
Melinda- Another great "Vegas" style performance. The best was Simon asking her not to act "surprised" when he says that she was fantastic. Isn't it amazing how Simon really does say what we are all thinking at home?
Blake- Affected. Staged...and oh. Off key! Stop twirling aimlessly. The judges love you regardless but I don't buy it Blakey. Safe this week.

And now.....the reason you are here....
Sanjaya strips.

Monday, April 16, 2007

.alt>reality- Hands off!

There is nothing sexy about a groin pull.
If you are looking for titillation go somewhere else.

I pulled a muscle close to my groin when I did an unintentional Mary Lou Retton-esque split on a tennis court down in Ft Lauderdale a while back. At the time it just felt like a little tug. Nothing too painful and certainly not something that prevented me from continuing to play in the tournament (though certainly something I used conveniently as an excuse for not winning any matches).
A week later back home it didn't feel any better. It was a dull constant annoying pain that just didn't go away.
Is there anything less appetizing than a Jewish man whining
"My groin hurts!"? I was losing friends right and left so I had to do something fast.
After some self diagnosing using modern medical techniques (google) I determined that I didn't have a hernia but it was indeed a strained muscle of the gluteous groineous (I made this up).

Who exactly do you go to when you have a groin pull?
My General Practitioner is like 85 years old. Call me nuts but I didn't want his cold hands giving me a feel up down there.
The only person I could trust with my groin would be my Chiropractor and good friend Dr. Brad who is like a brother to me. After all, it was yours truly who fixed him up ten years ago with another Doctor who became his hubby and life partner (and I figure by this time he has forgiven yours truly for possibly destroying his life).

On my first visit to his office, he pressed down into the injured area and made me squeal like a girl. His prescription? A number of ultrasonic therapy sessions where I would disrobe to my underwear. The process was simple enough. He would coat my groin with goo (it rubs the lotion on it's skin) and then move this metal ultras sonic thingy close to my thingy.
There was nothing sexy about this. In fact, my groin region was so tender that even this small motion was so painful I thought my pee pee was going to sink into itself and become a "mangina".

The only saving grace in this was the ever-so-brief acknowledgement by Dr. Brad about my colorful C-in2 underwear. This made my day. Don't laugh.
It's the little things that make life bearable for someone living with a groin pull.

I figured that I was good to go for at least 16 sessions of treatment. Partly because that was about how much my insurance would cover, and partly because I had only 16 pairs of self rated "Class AAA" boxer briefs and these would be the only ones I would let anyone see me in.
If treatment had to continue past 16 sessions I would have to start wearing "reruns". This would be totally out of the question. Even if I had to limp my groin-pulled ass into Bloomingdale's and pay full retail I would not be seen in the same pair of Aussie Bum's twice. It didn't matter that Doctor Brad could care less or that he was probably at this point thinking that I was a lunatic.
For me it's a pride thing.

Luckily for me therapy ended long before I was in danger of exhausting my stash of top flight trunks because Dr. Brad is that good of a Chiropractor.

Gosh get me talking about underwear and get completely off the subject.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about my groin pull.
Groin pulls suck, really they do.
I could go on and on about the major inconveniences you face with little everyday tasks like getting in and out of a car and going up and down a flight of stairs blah, blah, blah but why bore you to tears?


Just in case you are wondering whether or not I was able to enjoy myself at all during this God awful groin pull experience the answer is a (not-so) BIG FAT NO!

Which just goes to show you.

Not every touching story has a happy ending.

Friday, April 13, 2007

.alt>rant n rave!

Customer Service Representatives make me ill and I am over being Mr. Nice Guy.

Example #1.
Thanks for nothing.
Why is it that I am the one who says "thank you" after getting back my change or credit card from the Ross Dress For Less lady? Shouldn't she be thanking me for taking my money? I realize my purchase may be a measly pair of Adidas irregular ankle socks but what the hey.
I am the customer...aren't I? Don't I deserve some respect?
Pay attention the next time you check out at the grocery or department store. Fight the urge to say thank you for nothing. See what happens. I think we say thank you quickly at the cash register because we don't want to be disappointed when the cashier doesn't say thank you to us as it should be.

Example #2.
Eat me!
I was at a restaurant the other night and my friends meal came out cold. He sent it back. My dinner sat there and started to get cold waiting for his. He told me to start eating. I did ...and finished. Then his came out. But I was done. Miserable.
When the bill came....did they comp his meal? No!
I asked our server to send over the manager. He came over. I explained the situation and his answer was "I am sorry you had a bad experience.... Tell me, what can I do to make it better?"
This burns me to no end.
"First thing you need to do is your job. Don't put me in the position of telling you what you need to do..... It's bad enough that I had to suffer through this crappy meal now you are making it so that I have to rectify this particularly disappointing experience."

Example #3
The ultimate F.U.
Have you ever been on the phone for a hour and a half with customer service who doesn't do a thing to help you and then when it is all over says "Your business is very important to us. Is there anything else I can do for you? Can I be of any further assistance?" The anger is only heightened when they try to sell you something you don't want or need before they let you go.
I have decided the next time this happens this will be my response-
"Hey I know these calls are monitored so I just want to go on the record to say that you have been absolutely no help. Have I given you any indication that you have been of service to me in anyway? If so, let me make it clear that you have not. You did not answer my questions or give me the answers I have been looking for from you and you alone. In fact, you have wasted a good deal of my valuable time for which I am going to bill your company for reimbursement. May I have the address where I should send the invoice?"

Wonder what kind of scripted response they have for that one.

The Rave!
I was going to write a post about the whole Don Imus mess but truly Kendall says it best and sums it all up here and here.
So as my Aunt Hilda used to say "Why Botha?".
Oh plus he puts a pretty picture up every time he posts something if you are into that sort of thing.
Hmmmmm....I wonder if that is why I check out The Way I see it everyday.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

.alt>idol- Sucking Up To Sanjaya

Regardless of what you think about Sanjaya...
Did you notice how everyone on American Idol was trying to kiss his ass this week?
Even the very first moment of last night's result show was Ryan kidding with him about "who is going to be leaving" (a sure sign that he was going nowhere once again).
And J-LO just couldn't stop gushing.

While he was performing Besame Mucho, Sanjaya got the flattering camera angles (they reserve the real close "up the nostril" cam for only the top crowd favorites)......
Plus he got the prime placement of singing last usually reserved for Melinda.
Seems like they certainly are putting a lot of attention on the boy.

Could it be that somewhere, someone realizes....that ...well....just chance....
he might....
just might.....
be _____________________ ??????????

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

.alt>videos The Go!Team

Now this is a clever video- "Junior Kickstart" by the Go! Team.
Best part? The unfazed New Yorkers.
All I can say is that there would certainly be a reaction if I saw Ms. Pacman running through the streets.....

Monday, April 09, 2007

.alt>politics- stoopid dint wurk um fer gur

We are dumber in the U.S. than we used to be.

Sometime during the last couple of years "The View" has become must-see-TV.
The U.S. is doing bad things all over the world. We stopped being responsible.
We can't even answer the question "paper or plastic" right.
We need help.
We need Al Gore to be our next President.

Stupid didn't work. We know that now. We also know that Al Gore is smart. He told us the world was going to get warmer and the ice was going to melt and if we didn't do anything about it all hell would break loose. Hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis oh my! This is not the time to take a chance with anyone who isn't proven. Anyone who might even possibly be dumb.

Al Gore told us what we were to expect down the road and even though many labeled him a quack he stuck to his guns. He has offered solutions. Sounds like a leader to me.
I think the Republicans are bad but now I am wondering about the Democrats. I have waited for Hillary and Barack to tell me what they truly think, what they stand for....anything. And I have learned....nothing. Too much time has passed since the day they told us they wanted to be President. All they seem to be doing is raising money. There is a chance they may be dumb also. We need Al.

He will run if we tell him too. I believe that because he is a leader and he doesn't want the world to blow up. He probably wants to make sure that if he is elected, like he was once before, that he will actually get to be President this time. That sounds reasonable.

I want to be smarter than a fifth grader. I want to question the answers on Jeopardy.
I want to live.

We need Al Gore.

My inalienable right to win- Part 2

My tournament- the revelation.

Wow it felt good to win. I really got emotional and all I did was win a couple of matches. Made it worth every difficult step it took to get to where I was in those glorious moments. Up until this weekend I never quite understood what others have told me about competing in tennis- Regardless of skill and ability, you have to allow yourself to win. You must deem yourself worthy of winning.

What exactly did that mean? Who wouldn't be open to the idea of winning? Who wouldn't allow themselves to experience that exhilarating feeling? Sounds destructive.
Looking back it makes total sense now.

Until recently, I found myself doling out a batch of excuses I have used all too well to my disadvantage in this game-
I only started playing this sport two years ago and prior to that I had never picked up a racquet.
I am 47 years old.
Most of the guys I play are much younger and have played since they were children.
Did I mention that I am prone to tendinitis?
Or that I have adult A.D.D?
Oh and I can't serve into the sun because my eyes are super sensitive to light.

Hiding behind the shadow of a "cop out" made it far too easy to avoid exercising my inalienable right to win.

Until recently I had set up most of my practice matches exclusively with players much better than me. This made losing more comfortable. After all, it was unrealistic to think that I could win against these players and sure enough I lost ever single time. Playing with those who possess a greater skill level has its advantages, but these last couple of weeks I have found it much more challenging and ultimately more fulfilling to play matches with those at my level.

Imagine that?
Me...setting up unrealistic expectations.
Me....Avoiding those that might be considered challenging and my equal.

Have I been open to the idea of winning?
Am I open to to the idea of winning?

I think I enjoy tennis so much because the lessons learned on the court help me with what I need to work on off the court.

It is far less painful to set yourself up to lose than to allow yourself to go through the agonizing process of trying to win.

And so it is in tennis...
and other more important games.

My inalienable right to win- Part 1

NO I did not win the championship. Not even close.
But, I did win matches.

The tournament- the fun stuff

This was the 4th GLTA tournament I have played in my life, and the second playing in the "C" division. I won my first two tournament matches ever- singles in two sets 6-3, 6-4. and doubles 6-3, 3-6, 10-7 tiebreaker. This was a huge improvement over my play just weeks ago at the Clay Court Classic in Fort Lauderdale which at the time inspired me to write this.
Also important-
I looked good. No let me emphasize I looked real good. I strutted into the tennis facility with the cool confidence of a pro wearing my Adidas outfit from head to toe. I could almost hear my imaginary handlers yelling,
"No pictures! PLEASE, no pictures!".

Here are the funniest moments/highlights of the weekend for me-
  • It seems everyone who plays tennis in the GLTA is named Michael.
  • My Doubles partner (Michael) is the quietest, nicest guy - and from what I learned this weekend, apparently very strong. We have been playing together for a couple of months now and we are a pretty good combination. I am a little crazy, he is a little dry, and we are both lefties which has the potential of driving our opponents nuts. Anyway, when we won our doubles match which was my first win....I was so taken with the moment that I ran to him and jumped into his arms, wrapped my legs around him right there on the court. I couldn't help myself I was so happy. I wouldn't let go and he actually walked me over to the net where I shook the hands of the guys we beat while he was holding me up. I laid my head on his shoulder and he had no choice other than to walk me off the court. His deadpan response? "Hmmmm...that was different."
  • After that I went into the locker room to get ready for my singles match I ran into another Adidas clothing whore (Michael) from Virginia. He looked at what I was wearing and said "Well, I tried on that outfit you are wearing but I kind of thought the coordinating stripes on the shirt and shorts were just too much." I couldn't help myself and fired back "Yes, I can see why you had second thoughts. You really need to be slim and athletic in order to make this outfit work." Bitchy, I know.
  • Day two was a much cooler weather wise. I decided to wear UnderArmour instead of Adidas because the fabric is thicker and warmer. Surely no one would notice. Wrong! On a changeover in between games during one of my matches, a cute player from Toronto (Michael) who was watching me yelled out "Hey you're not wearing Adidas! Aren't you going to lose your endorsement?" I guess he had been keeping up with my blog. Who knew I had loyal readers a loyal reader in Canada?
  • It is hysterical concept that you only want to rip the eyes out of your opponent as you are playing them until they happen to beat you. Then, all of a sudden you become their biggest cheerleader and want them to go all the way and win the championship so you can feel better about losing to them.
  • I was really touched that sexy actorschmactor wrote an adorable little blog entry wishing me luck. He actually came out with the hopes of seeing me play on day two....even though he was a little late to the party and I had already lost. But, it is the thought that counts and I really appreciate all the nice comments and well wishes from him and everyone else.
Next post- The revelation.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Hello Spider

Spider you'll never go away again.
Welcome back.

Friday, April 06, 2007

.alt> racquets and balls

Playing my tournament...

Hopefully, you won't hear from me until Sunday night :)

Have a great weekend y'all....

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Tony Bennett and Sanjaya

Ok let's get the whole Sanjaya bashing thing off to a rip roaring start....since this week, like last week, and the week before that...he isn't going anywhere. Certainly not home.

You want to argue with Tony Bennett who is completely in line with my thoughts on Sanjaya?

“Shows up. He comes up with something every week. He’s very interesting. He’s got a sense of humor, and he sings very well.”

Somebody is voting for him. And let me make this clear. Though Howard Stern and would love to take credit for keeping Sanjaya in the competition and undermining the show, I doubt seriously if all the votes produced by a satellite radio guy and an internet site most Americans are not even aware of would even register as a blip on the voting radar screen.

As you can see by the article in the New York Post, Sanjaya-mania is a fact. Kids are trying to get his hair style and he is the most "googled" American Idol contestant bar none...from all seasons. Hmmmmm....sounds like a....pop idol!

Face it. We are in trouble if thirty and forty-something year old' popular music tastes are aligned with teenagers. Hard as it may be to fathom, if you are reading this.... you are probably old. Probably too old to understand that Sanjaya relates on some level to kids who actually dial the phone to vote for their favorites on the show. Yes folks, he may not sing perfectly. But he has a confidence about him that translates to star quality. Since when does singing alone make a pop star?
Remember what old people said the first time they heard a rap song? A hip- hop song? The Beatles? Elvis? Something like, "this isn't music" and maybe "what's with that hair?"
Young people do their own thing....sometimes it doesn't make sense to us oldsters. So as American Idol tries to attract more "adult" viewers by raising the age limits of it's contestants, I am glad that it looks like a young contestant might have a shot of winning...the way it should be. NOT Sanjaya. My hope is that seventeen year old Jordin Sparks wins this year. She is what the show should be about in my opinion. And an American Idol win for her can possibly do something meaningful for her career.

Which leads me to this....
What exactly will an American Idol win do for Melinda Doolittle? Land her a "plumb" position on the Jerry Lewis Telethon? Secure her a leading role in the broadway revival of "Ain't Misbehavin'? I don't mean to sound cynical but thank God that Jennifer Hudson lost American Idol. Her losing probably did more for her career than a win might have.

So you sit on your couch and applaud politely for the very talented, Vegas-ready older contestants, while the kids get on the phone to dial for their favorites....

......And all logic gets thrown to the wind.
The way it should be.

.alt> Mashup Aerosmith vs. Nelly Furtado


A little rock, a little hip hop, the latest bastardization! Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous" was Billboard Magazine's "Pop Record of the Year" in 2006. "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith was one of their big singles peaking at #10 in 1977. In the 80's it was covered by Run D.M.C.


Aerosmith vs. Nelly Furtado "Promiscuous Walk"

Monday, April 02, 2007

.alt>fashion- Adidas will be endorsing me

In my dreams.
However, I will wearing Adidas products from head to toe when I play in my tournament this coming weekend. One thing I learned at the Sony Ericsson Open last week in Miami is that Adidas is the shit! They sponsor most of the hot players (including Novak Djokovic the men's champion) and they absolutely blow Nike and everyone else out of the water. I cannot believe how hideous the new Nike tennis fashions are.

Anyway just in case you were interested I wanted to show you what I will be competing in. Most who witness my tennis game might say that I should concentrate more on my serve instead of the color of my shorts. But then again they probably haven't read this.
Even if I can't get the ball over the net I will be stylin' and smilin' because I will be wearing the "Response Line" inspired by Andre Agassi. It is so "me"- a somewhat mature look (but not without flair). So what do you think? You like????
I can't stand collared shirts. Frankly I would prefer to play sleeveless or shirtless to show off these. But since this is a tournament, as a compromise I will wear a tee shirt. I thought that this shirt was just a bit classier than most everything out there. It is black with a white and lavender stripe down the front and the Adidas signature 3 stripe bar on the sleeves.

The shorts coordinate as you can see (can you see the stripes on the bottom corner of the shorts? Pretty cool, huh?), and I have to tell you the stripes on the front of the shorts and the shirt look pretty dapper when you put the two on together.
For day 2 of the tourney I will be wearing the same exact outfit....only in white- with black and lavender stripes.
The sneakers are one of styles of the Adidas Barracades. Kind of strange but I am going with navy blue/white sneaks which I picked up at the Adidas outlet here in Orlando even though black would be the obvious choice. The navy in the shoes is kind of between the black and lavender in the shirt and I really like the way it looks. Black would be just too predictable and I certainly don't want this to look like a uniform! Sidenote: could not guarentee that the black barracades would arrive prior to my tournament so all of a sudden the dark blue ones looked great.

For my cap and wristbands I am going with the .alt>ernative Adidas stripe
pattern.... looks like a pyramid. Why? Because I am .alt>mike! I have every Adidas style of socks known to mankind and I am not sure which ones I will end of wearing but they will be of the low ankle variety like these as opposed to the higher which I just don't like the feel and the marks they leave on your legs after your match and you put on your flip flops...

OK I will shut up now....the Monday Mashup will be up in a little while and you will see what happens when Aerosmith gets promiscuous.

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