The Greatest Songs You've Never Heard Before- Vol 1

There are great pop songs out there that never made it anywhere close to the top of the charts because of bad timing, bad production, bad marketing, the wrong singer, etc. etc.


What if these unfortunate melodic mishaps were given a second lease on life? Every so often I will feature a "musical misfire" and suggest the artist that might resuscitate the "left for dead" track.



Take for example the none-hit wonder Milira. "Go Outside In the Rain" was featured on her self titled debut album which probably sold like 3 copies in 1989. Other notables off this cd are versions of Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me" as well as "Until You Come Back To Me" originally recorded by Aretha Franklin . These soul classic renditions are just so-so, and the production on "Rain" is entirely heavy handed. I also didn't like her interpretations of most of the songs on the CD- entirely too jazzy for the subject matter. Still the melody line and lyrics of "Go Outside In the Rain" shine through I dig the words " I wanna go outside in the rain, so no one no one no one no one can see me crying." A great vision.

Fast forward to 2007.... Jennifer Hudson can you hear me? Listen this ain't no dream girl. Take your diva self and record this song. Make it a hit!

Download:
Milira- Go Outside In the Rain

Purchase:
Milira from Amazon.com

PS I will add writing credits for the song but currently they are no where to be found.

You've Never Looked Better

The other day I overheard someone say to my friend Steve "You've never looked better."

Steve replied "Thank you that is so kind of you to say."

I pointed out to Steve that this was not necessarily a compliment. What if this person, for instance, thought Steve had consistently looked like crap for as long as he had known him? Then perhaps "You've never looked better" might just mean that this person thought Steve just looked slightly better than crap on this particular day.

Teaching my Blackberry Naughty Words

I recently purchased the Blackberry Pearl from T-Mobile which has cool features like voice recognition dialing, an mp3 player, and a camera. I really like the the SureType function. Basically, as you start typing out a word in an email or in a text message the Pearl actually finishes the word saving you time and effort.
Except----
My Blackberry does not like to spell out naughty words. Seriously, there must be some mechanism or default that discourages the Pearl to type bad things. This can prove to be a pain in the asa ass particularly when you are texting your friend to tell him he is a dumb duck fuck.

You can actually "train" your blackberry to auto type curse words but it takes a shutload shitload of time for that crsp crap. Someone emailed me to suggest that I try to be a better person by avoiding nasty words altogether.......

My quick response back to him was "DUCK THAT SHUT YOU ASA!"

Carlos and Me

I play tennis with my friend Carlos all the time. When we play doubles we play with each other as well as against each other with other partners. Carlos is a fantastic player and very smart without a bad bone in his body. However.....
One of his strategies is to whack the opponent who is playing at the net with a hard dead on ball to kind of put him off balance for the rest of the set. It usually works.
But when I am on the net playing against Carlos, he never hits me....
Is it because...I am his friend?
Or is it because I suck so much he doesn't think I am worth hitting?
I kind of wish he would hit me.
Am I a masochist?

Hunker Down and Pray For Daylight We're Going to Jason's Deli!

Do yourself a favor and pop a Xanex before you go to Jason's Deli at the Colonial and Primrose intersection in Orlando- the nightmare plaza where Starbucks, Pei Wei, Chipotle and Jason's collide. I call it the Fast Food Bermuda Triangle. Who is the brain trust that designed the parking lot for this place? My favorite is the perfectly good drive-thru lane along side of Starbucks with the words DO NOT ENTER splattered on the ground. Is this a sick joke?
It's January...which means that all of the 8 men and women in town who ARE NOT eating at one of these establishments for lunch on a Saturday afternoon are trying to make their New Years resolutions stick at LA FITNESS which is also in this shopping center. This means...this poorly designed parking lot becomes....a train wreck.
It's everyone for themselves. If you find a space...you take it even if you have to murder someone.

A spot with a "ten minute" parking sign?
Whatever.
Handicapped parking spot?
Start limping.
Fire lane?
Sleep with a fireman so you can park there.
Here is a tip. Make sure you have a clear understanding of your auto insurance and your deductible because the chances are someone is going to bump you...the narrow sliver-like car aisles are ridiculous.

Isn't Jason's Deli a scream? I imagine that all the Jason's Delis are the same across the country. There is no shortage of staff that is for sure. When was the last time you ate somewhere and said "Man there are TOO MANY staffers here".
When you walk in you place your order with...the order taker. Along with a number and colored ticket receipts he offers instructions. The instructions are often confusing.
"Here is your number take this yellow ticket to the cashier." As I make my way to the cashier, another staffer whisks the yellow ticket out of my hand and offers more instructions. "Take the pink ticket to the cashier, and then take your number to this other line to get your food. When I get to the check out line the cashier asks...."Where is your yellow ticket?" Good lord we are just talking simple sandwiches and salad bar!
And so it goes at Jasons.....
Think of the Ford Motor Car Assembly Line theory gone completely haywire. I am not making fun of the staff....just the system. At Jasons it's a bunch of good natured workers running into each other....anything but efficient. It wouldn't surprise me if the staffers had titles like "Fork Specialist" and Broccoli Liaison"...very specific in their function and service.
"I am the guy who brings you your fork".
Oh...cool.
I wonder....what does the future hold for a Fork Specialist? What will the Fork Specialist be promoted to?
A couple of things about Jason's Deli:
-It appears that you need to be seen at Jasons in your workout duds even if you haven't been in a gym for like a century. But for the most part it is an attractive crowd so be prepared. Wear clean underwear....you just never know.
-The salad bar itself is like a trough at a slop house. It's a given that everyone takes a "little sumpthin" whether they purchased the salad bar or not. I am not endorsing this I am just saying.... You walk by...you pop a muffin in your mouth....you walk by again....you take a piece of watermelon or a carrot stick. Just the way it is. Those that purchase a side salad are allowed one trip to the salad bar. Yeah right. No one follows that rule but yet I find it hysterical watching someone fill up a side salad plate like it was going to be their last meal...
-Oh and about those muffins on the salad bar. Don't eat them. They are very good. Don't eat them which means don't be SEEN eating them. They have carbs...the bad kind. The kind you don't eat within 30 days of your New Years resolution. Have some dignity. Do as I do and horde them in a "Jasons-2-go" bag and scarf them outside as you watch the policeman come to sort out one of the many fenderbenders in the parking lot from hell.
Now that's entertainment!

see more at www.altmike.com

Jew of the Year

This year I started liking SNL again and Andy Samberg is the reason. This boychik is the brains behind some of the funniest moments in the show's recent history. Anyone who can make me laugh as hard as I do watching these two vids deserves to be my 2006 "Jew of the Year".

Oh he's real cute you say? Great Body? Funny I hardly noticed.....




Uncensored Dick


Natalie Portman Raps

Hey Gerald...Thanks for nothing

Dear President Ford,

So now it appears, according to Bob Woodward, that you disagreed with the White House's entire Iraq war policy as early as July 2004 but didn't want your feelings known till after your death.
Thanks a lot Gerald.
If this is offensive, pardon me President Ford. It just feels like another case of the Republican "good ole boy" thing where it would have been more important for you to stay silent on behalf of the "cheney-of-command" than to speak up for the country.

Perhaps you were afraid that in voicing your true opinions you were going to have to pay the price that others did just months before?

The more I think about it the more my blood boils. Your voice, a couple of years ago could have possibly changed the course of this bloody mess we are in.


Well it's not all bad Gerald. At least you married well.

Kind of bitchy...don't you think?

This little morsel of devilish delight courtesy of sports reporter Mark Starr of Newsweek, who was commenting on figure skating's 2006 Olympic Silver Medalist Sasha Cohen of the United States:


"I am delighted to see that Sasha Cohen is finding success as an actress. She was a beautiful skater and has shown the potential to be an even better actress. I was always impressed by how she managed to look so surprised when she fell on her tush, given that she fell on her tush all the time."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16314083/site/newsweek/page/5/

Routine

Eat. Work. Gym.
Eat. Work. Gym.
Eat. Work. Gym.
Eat. Work. Gym. Shtup.
Eat. Work. Gym.
Eat. Work. Gym.

Will it be any different in 2007?

Christmastime for the Jews

This Week in Pop Culture (in one sentence)

Oprah and Steadman moving in together but we were thinking she was a lesbian like Rosie who goes off on Donald and he makes an ass of himself fighting back because of Tara Conners almost losing her Miss USA tiara for partying too hard with celebrities like Justin Timberlake who tore it up on SNL doing "Dick in a box" while his song "My Love" is number 5 song on Billboard Hot 100 and Miss Beyonce still strong at #1 with "Irreplaceable" and her movie Dreamgirls opens in major cities only with 25 dollar tickets just think that is half the price of what tickets were selling for at the beginning of the week for the new hot show on broadway "Spring Awakenings" which got rave reviews across the board and since ticket demand (and prices) have skyrocketed to $111.25 for orchestra seats.

The Bestest Chanukah slash Christmas Gift Ever!

Wow my friend brad got me the best gift. It's the Beatles "Love" Deluxe Set featuring remixed Beatles classics. Also included is a separate DVD which has all the songs recorded in 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound. You have to make sure you get the deluxe edition because they are also selling the CD by itself in the stores. Best songs to me are the druggie induced ones like "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds" and "Strawberry Fields Forever" though its really fun to hear what they did with "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and "Help". The sound is incredible on the DVD and because my surround sound speakers are stationary in my living room I am forced to SIT and LISTEN to the music as opposed to moving all over my house folding laundry, cleaning the coffee pot etc etc which would be the normal way this adult A.D.D. guy HEARS music.

PS...I have a confession to make. I am writing this entry while I am playing the DVD and I feel guilty because I am once again HEARING instead of LISTENING but I love you brad and its the thought that counts.

O'Donnell vs "The Donald"

I love "The View".
I love Rosie.
It seems like everyday there is something going on with that show that everyone is talkingy about.
Yesterday Rosie said some bad things about "The Donald". You can read about the whole fiasco here.
And the response straight from "The Donald"?.
Let's roll the tape....



If you happen to see "The Donald", please let him know that I own a hairsalon and I can help him.

ah the spirit of the season

Kirstalicious

Kirstie and Fergie
Separated at Birth?

Cold Case

Tonight it was unnerving to come face to face with the Walgreen's "Cold Remedy Wall" while my nose was running and I needed instant relief. So many combinations to choose from. An overwhelming, endless list of brands- Nyquil, Alka Seltzer, Benedryl, Comtrex, Tylenol, Dristan, the list goes on and on. Then you have to decide drowsy or non- drowsy. What if I just have enough time to take....a nap? Do I take half of a drowsy pill? Or should I mix a drowsy pill with a non drowsy pill and hope for the best? Honest to god does a 12 hour medication have ANY value after 6 hours? If I take a "decongestant" does that mean that my phlegm-y stuff is going to loosen up and my nose is going to run even more? If I have some Benedryl allergy relief medication left over from hay fever season can I use that for my cold? Is it the same shit as the cold medication? Does a caplet work better than a gel cap?
What happens if I don't have a sore throat but I only have medication that includes sore throat relief? Will I be over medicating? And what is this $20 Mucinex stuff? When did this crap get on the shelf? Does it work? Does anyone ever use generic cold relief medication? If a product called "Wal-dryl" has the same ingredients as "Benedryl" why would it work as well and cost 3 dollars less?

I ended up buying Alka-Seltzer daytime cold tablets and Benedryl D nighttime cold relief.....
But honestly, I think the half pint of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream and 3 giant 7/11 chocolate chip cookies that I purchased on my way home is what will really make me feel better.

The "Amway" Arena

Boy we are so cosmopolitan here in Orlando. The TD Waterhouse Center (home of the Orlando Magic) has been renamed the Amway Arena and you can read about it here.


Just imagine going to a sporting event or concert on "date night" at a venue named the Amway Arena. How trashy. I guess it could be worse if it was the Mary Kay Cosmetics Arena, or the Marie Osmond QVC Doll Collection Arena ....but that's about it.

All That Glitter

Who is the sadistic monster responsible for the ritual of placing free falling glitter inside of cards and invitations? Nothing says "screw you" better than to open a letter only to be assaulted by a "fairy dust" explosion which instantaneously sets up shop on your clothes, face and floor. Call me neurotic but when the powder starts to fly my first thought is always "ANTHRAX! I AM GOING TO DIE!.." Rushing to the phone I call my mother to say my final farewell and beg forgiveness for the time (35 years ago) I almost dislocated my younger brother's shoulder by pinning him down on the ground and dropping oranges on his head while he struggled helplessly. I figure the call might save me from a fiery hellish afterlife.

The fact that so many of these special invites are for Christmas parties is astounding to me. How festive! Charming! What a way to get the party off to a bad start!


Not to ignite a holy war or anything...
I have been wondering. Is EVERYBODY getting these annoying holiday droppings...or is it JUST THE JEWS on the party list? Could it be a subtle, though not so subtle way to discourage us from partaking in the holiday cheer?

Wait. That is ridiculous to think such a thing. But then again, it's hard to imagine why a Christian would send another Christian an envelope loaded with obnoxious airborne lint. How could ANY recipient refrain from screaming "J__US FU_KI_G CHR_T"!?
Why would someone of faith tempt someone else to say such a thing?

If you are thinking I am a scrooge,,,perhaps you are right. For me, "all that glitter" would become a non-issue if only "OLD ST. NICK-stein" would grant my wish and place one of these under my chanukah bush.

Daughtry

I find it kind of obnoxious that American Idol's Chris Daughtry and the powers that be named his group "Daughtry"...and their first CD's name is...well.... "Daughtry".

Besides the lack of name creativity and obvious ego bloating... it has the feel of a strong-armed "soprano-esque" message to his band- "Don't fuck with me boys cuz at anytime I can leave you cold..."

Jeez.

How is the CD?

Mid-tempo. Formula. Boring. Bland. Hey reminds me of.... this one!

Which then made me wonder...what ever happened to this one?

A Tale of Two Grapefruits

Man it's hit or miss with grapefruits these days. I got one of those "bag-o-grapefruits" from Publix...you know the value priced 8 pack that comes in the netted bag. Yesterday's grapefruit was the juiciest and most delicious one I have ever had. Then today, from the same bag....looking the same as all the other ones in the bag was what must have been a mutated orange disguised as a grapefruit. When I tried to peel it the skin was as thick and tough as an Old Navy bomber jacket. Seriously, I hacked at that thing and broke a nail. When I finally bit into it there was hardly any juice and what was there was bitter as hell! A truly disastorous experience particularly when just 24 hours ago I was basking in the glow of the perfect fruit.

Is consistency in produce too much to ask for?