Monday, April 30, 2007

My Homeland Security Giant Fantasy

The state of the nation is such that I feel.. lost. Alone. Unsure.
First, the war.
Now, Rosie leaving "The View".
It is all too much.

I want to feel safe.
I want to feel secure.

Therefore, I want a 6 foot 3 or taller person to lay on top of me.

Is that so wrong?

I want to be face down. I want to be enveloped by my giant's bigness.
This is not about sex, it is about security. If you want sex go here or here.

In fact, I would prefer my giant to remain fully clothed.
My giant could be straight or gay.
My giant could be a man or a woman, but it will probably end up being a man because I want my giant to be all natural, no steroids and I know how hard it is to find a good natural amazon woman these days.

Frankly, I haven't had the best of luck finding interested candidates for the position of "homeland giant". I noticed a new guy at work last week ...probably 30 years old or so. He looked promising. When he got up to go the water cooler I ran over to him and asked him how tall he was. He said 6 foot 5. Bingo. I welcomed this 6 foot 5 co-worker to the office. I then asked this 6 foot 5 co-worker if he would consider laying on top of me. I told him all the specifics of my request. He first laughed, and when I didn't laugh back he looked...confused. Confusion led to an awkward uncomfortableness. He declined my request and said that the best he could do was "friend" me on myspace. He slowly backed away looking directly at me. He didn't blink...I noticed that. He never turned around as if he didn't want to take his gaze off of me. What was he afraid of? Later I would learn that my 6 foot 5 co-worker was recently married. He was a newlywed just back from his honeymoon. I certainly would have had his bride "sign off on everything. I would have had her sign a permission slip like we had in grade school. It would have said something like:
"I (so and so) give permission for my husband (6 foot 5 co-worker) to lay on top of (me) for a period of time not to exceed 3 hours."
I would have certainly done this if it would have made the 6 foot 5 co-worker more comfortable.

I then thought maybe I could find my 6 foot 3 or taller giant on the internet. I have been searching the blogosphere for a candidate and I think this one is the perfect physical specimen I require. After reading his blog it appears he may have some bladder issues that may destroy the fantasy I am trying to create. Actually, he seems just too damn intelligent and witty. He would most certainly want to engage in conversation and that would be a big problem.

You see, I don't want my giant to talk at all. Not one word.
I just want a massive lug to mount me (non sexually).
"Shhhhhhhhh my lug......don't speak".


So now I am reaching out to you...my faithful .alt>mike readers....
If you are taller than 6 foot 3 would you consider helping a shaky, neurotic Jewish man feel more safe and secure?

Here is how I envision my homeland security giant fantasy:

You come into my bedroom (not a word....not one) and I am already laying face down with my head turned to the left so I can watch TV.
You carefully lower yourself down on me so that every part of me is under the weight of your bigness. Be gentle, I am but a mere 5 foot 11 and weigh only 168.
The rest is simple-
Just lay there.
Don't do a thing.
You may breathe as long as it is rhythmic and soothing.
After a period of time, when I decide that I feel safe and secure, you will carefully lift yourself off of me. Make sure you press down on the bed to lift up, do not press down on me. Otherwise, you may crush my piano playing hands and my mother would never forgive you.
Then collect yourself and leave.

Oh.
Just one other small item.
I hope this is not a deal breaker.

When you are laying on top of me... I would like to be watching the Tennis Channel.
Ultimately, I would like to be watching one of the Grand Slam finals....like the French Open.
Please don't ask me to explain this but it is a small touch and would mean the world to me. Thank you.

If you are interested, or if you know someone that maybe interested please leave a comment or get in touch ASAP.

This may not solve the nation's homeland security issues, but I am completely confident that having a 6 foot 3 or taller giant laying on top of me will certainly help me feel more....grounded.

3 comments:

Kendall said...

If you find more than one, please send the other my way!

Bobby said...

YES!

We can work out as much as you like the 2.5 weeks I am home. I am all yours!

Also, I am 6'3"!!! Not sure I want to lay on top of you, but I will always cuddle up next to you...

Paul said...

Thanks for the link. I really needed that tonight.

(I have no idea how you can solve your security issues.)

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