An Easter Story from ALTMIKE (A Jew)

I am so lazy I don't even have the strength to type out a story that happened to me on this day of Christian celebration...so click below to listen.....

My Homeland Security Giant Fantasy

The state of the nation is such that I feel.. lost. Alone. Unsure.
First, the war.
Now, Rosie leaving "The View".
It is all too much.

I want to feel safe.
I want to feel secure.

Therefore, I want a 6 foot 3 or taller person to lay on top of me.

Is that so wrong?

I want to be face down. I want to be enveloped by my giant's bigness.
This is not about sex, it is about security. If you want sex go here or here.

In fact, I would prefer my giant to remain fully clothed.
My giant could be straight or gay.
My giant could be a man or a woman, but it will probably end up being a man because I want my giant to be all natural, no steroids and I know how hard it is to find a good natural amazon woman these days.

Frankly, I haven't had the best of luck finding interested candidates for the position of "homeland giant". I noticed a new guy at work last week ...probably 30 years old or so. He looked promising. When he got up to go the water cooler I ran over to him and asked him how tall he was. He said 6 foot 5. Bingo. I welcomed this 6 foot 5 co-worker to the office. I then asked this 6 foot 5 co-worker if he would consider laying on top of me. I told him all the specifics of my request. He first laughed, and when I didn't laugh back he looked...confused. Confusion led to an awkward uncomfortableness. He declined my request and said that the best he could do was "friend" me on myspace. He slowly backed away looking directly at me. He didn't blink...I noticed that. He never turned around as if he didn't want to take his gaze off of me. What was he afraid of? Later I would learn that my 6 foot 5 co-worker was recently married. He was a newlywed just back from his honeymoon. I certainly would have had his bride "sign off on everything. I would have had her sign a permission slip like we had in grade school. It would have said something like:
"I (so and so) give permission for my husband (6 foot 5 co-worker) to lay on top of (me) for a period of time not to exceed 3 hours."
I would have certainly done this if it would have made the 6 foot 5 co-worker more comfortable.

I then thought maybe I could find my 6 foot 3 or taller giant on the internet. I have been searching the blogosphere for a candidate and I think this one is the perfect physical specimen I require. After reading his blog it appears he may have some bladder issues that may destroy the fantasy I am trying to create. Actually, he seems just too damn intelligent and witty. He would most certainly want to engage in conversation and that would be a big problem.

You see, I don't want my giant to talk at all. Not one word.
I just want a massive lug to mount me (non sexually).
"Shhhhhhhhh my lug......don't speak".


So now I am reaching out to you...my faithful .alt>mike readers....
If you are taller than 6 foot 3 would you consider helping a shaky, neurotic Jewish man feel more safe and secure?

Here is how I envision my homeland security giant fantasy:

You come into my bedroom (not a word....not one) and I am already laying face down with my head turned to the left so I can watch TV.
You carefully lower yourself down on me so that every part of me is under the weight of your bigness. Be gentle, I am but a mere 5 foot 11 and weigh only 168.
The rest is simple-
Just lay there.
Don't do a thing.
You may breathe as long as it is rhythmic and soothing.
After a period of time, when I decide that I feel safe and secure, you will carefully lift yourself off of me. Make sure you press down on the bed to lift up, do not press down on me. Otherwise, you may crush my piano playing hands and my mother would never forgive you.
Then collect yourself and leave.

Oh.
Just one other small item.
I hope this is not a deal breaker.

When you are laying on top of me... I would like to be watching the Tennis Channel.
Ultimately, I would like to be watching one of the Grand Slam finals....like the French Open.
Please don't ask me to explain this but it is a small touch and would mean the world to me. Thank you.

If you are interested, or if you know someone that maybe interested please leave a comment or get in touch ASAP.

This may not solve the nation's homeland security issues, but I am completely confident that having a 6 foot 3 or taller giant laying on top of me will certainly help me feel more....grounded.

The card wallet

I am jealous of guys who can use a simple card wallet like this one pictured. I envy guys with small ones.
I guess when it comes to wallets I would be considered a reverse size queen.

I have always chosen wallets that are big and bulky because there is just too much baggage I need to have around me at all times. I hate it. I wish I was one of those laissez faire types that didn't feel the need to have his "AMC Movie Watcher" card with him 24/7 but this simply isn't the case. I mean, you never know when you want to pull over and see a movie...right?

In Starbucks speak, my wallet would be classified as a "venti" for sure. When I put it in my back pocket it is so big my left ass cheek looks swollen. I look deformed. I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being! Sometimes people think I have a pack of cigarettes there and mistake me for a smoker. Can you imagine that? Me, the health nut mistaken for a smoker. Not that there is anything wrong with smokers.... except...the smoke.

A card wallet would fit perfectly in the "scaled down" way I would like to live my life. I am always looking for new ways to make things simpler for myself. Here is an example- A couple of months ago I became overwhelmed with the all the clutter building up in my home office. I took piles and piles of papers that were scattered all over my desk and on top of file cabinets and on the floor and simply threw everything in the trash at one fell swoop. It was liberating! What a release! The funny thing is here I am sitting in my clutter-free home office a couple of months later and I am not missing a thing!
Well this is not entirely true since it seems that along with everything else, I threw out my passport and now I can't go to Toronto next month and play tennis like I had planned.
Oh well...but at least my office is neat.

My friend Anthony has a card wallet. When the two of us are in a restaurant I will conveniently slip out of sight at the sight of a bill for two reasons. First off, I am cheap I like the feeling of being taken out. Second, I admire from a distance the way he whips out his sleek card wallet to remove cool cash to pay for our meals. So simple. When he places the slim wallet back in his front pocket it is hardly noticable to the human eye and does not take away from his non bulge elsewhere. Amazing.

But the concept of "downsizing" to accommodate the card wallet is too much for me. How do you make it day to day with just the couple of items to put in a card wallet? Guys with card wallets carry their license, cash, health insurance card and....that's about it.

What about everything else? What about all the other necessities?
What about your Starbucks card? I don't think I could make it past 8am without that one.
A Bloomies card? I don't know about you but I think I would feel naked without this on me.
A Planet Smoothie "Frequent Sipper" card...?
I carry the UPROMISE card with me at all times because a percent of the purchases made with the card go towards paying for my little nieces college education. I would feel awful if the girls couldn't go to college simply because I chose to use a card wallet instead of a venti.
Don't guys with card wallets have nieces like I do?
An ABC liquor card. Ok I could probably lose that one since I don't really drink.
Oh yeah what about this one....
An organ donor card. Is someone going to do without a spleen simply because someone else didn't want an unsightly bulging left ass cheek?

I suppose guys with card wallets have some kind of transport system that makes working with them more manageable. I figure that a guy treats the card wallet like a "satellite" and probably has a "mother ship" wallet somewhere else. Maybe in the car. This way he could add and subtract from the card wallet as he sees fit.
Put in your gym membership card, take out your Barnes and Noble card...and so on and so on. But surely it isn't safe or smart leaving your belongings in the car like that. Plus the "mother ship" concept takes away from the whole idea of simplifying your life...doesn't it?

Finally, there is the matter of cash. The slit in a card wallet is really too small to hold more than a couple of bills in my opinion. This would be the deal breaker for me.
What if I was in a rush and wanted to get a 59 cent cookie at 7/11 and all I had in my card wallet was a twenty dollar bill? I couldn't imagine trying to stuff all the change I would get back in that little slit. It would be embarrassing. Do I have to run around 7/11 frantically searching to find other items to purchase to avoid getting back a lot of bills?
No...I would probably become exasperated and say to the 7/11 lady, "Look, keep the change...please. As you can see I am trying to simplify my life with this card wallet and all this change does not fit into my new lifestyle."

The more I think about it, the more I am certain I am not cut out for a card wallet.

.alt>reality- Hands off!

There is nothing sexy about a groin pull.
If you are looking for titillation go somewhere else.


I pulled a muscle close to my groin when I did an unintentional Mary Lou Retton-esque split on a tennis court down in Ft Lauderdale a while back. At the time it just felt like a little tug. Nothing too painful and certainly not something that prevented me from continuing to play in the tournament (though certainly something I used conveniently as an excuse for not winning any matches).
A week later back home it didn't feel any better. It was a dull constant annoying pain that just didn't go away.
Is there anything less appetizing than a Jewish man whining
"My groin hurts!"? I was losing friends right and left so I had to do something fast.
After some self diagnosing using modern medical techniques (google) I determined that I didn't have a hernia but it was indeed a strained muscle of the gluteous groineous (I made this up).


Who exactly do you go to when you have a groin pull?
My General Practitioner is like 85 years old. Call me nuts but I didn't want his cold hands giving me a feel up down there.
The only person I could trust with my groin would be my Chiropractor and good friend Dr. Brad who is like a brother to me. After all, it was yours truly who fixed him up ten years ago with another Doctor who became his hubby and life partner (and I figure by this time he has forgiven yours truly for possibly destroying his life).

On my first visit to his office, he pressed down into the injured area and made me squeal like a girl. His prescription? A number of ultrasonic therapy sessions where I would disrobe to my underwear. The process was simple enough. He would coat my groin with goo (it rubs the lotion on it's skin) and then move this metal ultras sonic thingy close to my thingy.
There was nothing sexy about this. In fact, my groin region was so tender that even this small motion was so painful I thought my pee pee was going to sink into itself and become a "mangina".

The only saving grace in this was the ever-so-brief acknowledgement by Dr. Brad about my colorful C-in2 underwear. This made my day. Don't laugh.
It's the little things that make life bearable for someone living with a groin pull.

I figured that I was good to go for at least 16 sessions of treatment. Partly because that was about how much my insurance would cover, and partly because I had only 16 pairs of self rated "Class AAA" boxer briefs and these would be the only ones I would let anyone see me in.
If treatment had to continue past 16 sessions I would have to start wearing "reruns". This would be totally out of the question. Even if I had to limp my groin-pulled ass into Bloomingdale's and pay full retail I would not be seen in the same pair of Aussie Bum's twice. It didn't matter that Doctor Brad could care less or that he was probably at this point thinking that I was a lunatic.
For me it's a pride thing.

Luckily for me therapy ended long before I was in danger of exhausting my stash of top flight trunks because Dr. Brad is that good of a Chiropractor.

Gosh get me talking about underwear and get completely off the subject.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about my groin pull.
Groin pulls suck, really they do.
I could go on and on about the major inconveniences you face with little everyday tasks like getting in and out of a car and going up and down a flight of stairs blah, blah, blah but why bore you to tears?

However.

Just in case you are wondering whether or not I was able to enjoy myself at all during this God awful groin pull experience the answer is a (not-so) BIG FAT NO!

Which just goes to show you.

Not every touching story has a happy ending.

.alt>ernate view of ambien

I take the sleeping aid Ambien more than I would like to say- Never more than a half of a pill a night, though fairly consistently.
I have been reading all these stories about people doing all kinds of crazy things under the influence of Ambien without any recollection the next day- cooking, driving places, cleaning the house. None of this happens to me.

What's wrong with me?

ta da. the new banner

I don't even want to tell you what I had to do to get this banner.
I feel like a .... Well, lets just say I feel dirty.

playing with myself

Ok so I am changing some things around here.. pictures, banner, concepts, headings etc....
Honestly I am not sure what I am doing. I was all jazzed about my new banner until multiple people brought to my attention that it looked like dueling butt plugs. Great. It will be gone soon is gone! Now replaced with something "art-sy" and fabulous meme!. But just for kicks take a look at that (former) banner and tell me if you think it is a mirror image.....or not. :)

I got a cold in my doze

Today I had a cold so I stayed at home by myself crawled up on the couch wallowing away in self pity immersed in flannel, fuzzy slippers downing Too jays chicken noodle soup by the pint while watching the vh1 marathon countdown of the "100 most shocking moments in rock and roll"(#75 was Carnie Wilson's stomach staple operation which she had broadcast live on the Internet) .

My friend called me and said my voice was so hoarse I sounded like the love child of Harvey Fierstein and the once tampon laden Brenda Vaccaro.

The thing that pisses me off about the common cold experience is how we actually sabotage ourselves with the medications we take. For example, you take pills because your nose is runny, runny, runny, runny, runny and then BAM!!!! All of a sudden you are completely stuffed up. Stuffy probably because you were taking pills to dry the runny-ness and they did too good of a job. Basically, you have helped the cold morph into something else just when you were starting to get the hang of it!

Earlier today my runny-ness turned stuffy so feeling like a total slug I decided to go out to get a different set of cold pills. Upon coming face to face with the Walgreen's "Cold Remedy Wall" I was overwhelmed. So many brands to choose from. While every year there are new concoctions on the shelves (Airborne, Mucinex), it seems the old "workhorses" (Benadryl, Comtrex, Dristan) never die. Who the hell takes Dristan? I think they should set up a "spy cam" or something in Walgreen's to see if ANYONE ever buys Dristan.
And now every pain reliever has jumped on the cold medication bandwagon. There's Aleve Cold and Sinus, Advil Allergy Relief...etc. I think of taking Advil when I sprain my ankle, NOT when my nose is runny. It's hard to imagine that one brand of pill can cure multiple illnesses. To me these brands are just greedy. What's next...Advil Diarrhea Relief?
I feel like shaking Advil and saying, "Stay in your own area! Stick to what you are good at!".


Then there is the whole drowsy or non- drowsy thing.
Sometimes I just have enough time to take....a nap. In this instance should I take just half of a drowsy pill? Or should I mix a drowsy pill with a non drowsy pill and hope for the best?
Honestly does anyone really believe that 12 hour medication has ANY effect after 8 hours?
If I take a decongestant does that mean that my phlegm-y stuff is going to loosen up and my nose is going to run even more?
If I have some Benadryl allergy relief medication left over from hay fever season can I use that for my cold? Is it the same as the cold medication?
Does a caplet work better than a gel cap?
What happens if I don't have a sore throat but I only have medication that includes sore throat relief? Will I be over medicating?
Does anyone ever use generic cold relief medication?
If a product called "Wal-dryl" has the same ingredients as "Benadryl" why would it work as well and cost 30% less? If I take the generic am I am going to feel 30% less better?

I ended up buying Benadryl D nighttime cold relief. Who knows if this stuff is going to work.
However, it's a sure bet that the half pint of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream purchased on my way home will work its magic and make me feel a whole lot better.

D.S.T.- The Nightmare Continues

Oh joy.
In addition to the hell of daylight saving time tonight, we have mini Y2K to deal with.
Apparently, some time after midnight all dvd recorders, computers and cell phones are going to explode. T mobile sent me some kind of a patch in email form to avoid the pending doom awaiting my Blackberry.
But I deleted the email a couple of weeks ago because I thought it was spam.

Perfect.

I won't sleep a wink tonight.

Here comes that daylight saving thing again

Very confusing to me. Still can't figure out if it is going to be lighter or darker when I wake up on Sunday morning. I am taking 48 hours to prepare. I need a xanax. Am I an idiot? Every year it is the same thing.